My Reason To Be (Zayn Malik)

Chapter 44: If you're broken I will mend you...

DON'T HATE ME! I KNOW IT TOOK ME FOREVER! BUT HONESTLY I HAVE A LEGITIMATE EXCUSE. I GOT INTO A CAR ACCIDENT THE WEEK I PUT THE PREVIEW UP AND SPRAINED MY SHOULDER. I'VE BEEN SUPER BUSY WITH ALL THE INSURANCE CRAP AND THE WHOLE TRYING TO FIND A NEW CAR THING. LITERALLY THE MOST MISERABLE TIME EVER. TO BE HONEST, I'M STILL REALLY MISERABLE...

ANYWAYYY.. I FINALLY MANAGED TO FINISH THE CHAPTER SO I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE! CHEER ME UP AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. SUGGESTIONS ARE AWESOME. ALMOST AS AWESOME AS YOU GUYS. 

CHARLOTTE POV

I haven’t slept in nearly two weeks. Every muscle within me ached with each movement. I’m not sure how much longer I’d be able to do this. Or keep the cheerful façade for Ella’s mum who continues to check on me every other day. I already know it’s Harry’s doing and that thought makes me ache in a whole other way because I know that even without being there with him, I’m still a weight he carries around; something he always has to worry about. I had told Marla yesterday that I was suffering from a cold, and repeated the same thing to Connor when I finally picked up his phone calls. The lack of physical therapy has already started do damage on my body. That and the mix of night terrors that plagued me both in my rare sleep and wake have caused my spine to put pressure onto my legs again, making it painful to walk. I’ve had half a mind to go looking for the keys to my vicodin pills that Harry kept, but I realized he probably still has them with him. The only way to get them is through Connor and I didn’t want him to see me like this. So pathetic and useless.

So basically I’ve burrowed myself here. A recluse, afraid of her own shadow. I haven’t been able to turn the lights off for days, scared of the lurking figures and shapes. Did this misery even have a name? It’s been hell. And the absolute worst part of it is that I can’t even talk to anyone about it. Connor would call my psychologist again and I hated sitting in that chair and feeling weak, waiting for her to tell me what I needed in my life. Harry would hate himself for leaving me and devote every minute of his life to me again like he did when the incident first occurred. Mum would return, cutting short her happiness in Greece with Robin. Ella would quit the tour in an instant. And Zayn? Oh God, Zayn.  I don’t even know the extent of what he would do. But judging by the fact that he nearly drowned earlier this summer to save me, he wouldn’t be thinking about himself.

Blessed. I know it’s a blessing to have such people surrounding me. But you see.. I wish I can be that for them too. A blessing. Instead I’m a dead weight. Something they can’t escape and I’m not willing to let them sink with me. No matter how much pain it caused me. No matter how much pain I’m in right now. I wouldn’t do it.

So that’s why I’ve been ignoring Zayn’s calls, thinking up of poor excuses and only resorting to text messages. Same goes for the rest, but Zayn in particular. I know just one word in his perfect voice, and I’ll crack. I’ll want him back here. I may even ask him to in a moment of weakness. And I know he would do it in a heartbeat even if I don’t. That’s why I’ve been keeping my distance from him. I’m not sure how long it will last, but for now he’s none the wiser and I intend to keep it that way.

Wincing, I reach for the sugar in the top cabinet ignoring that just yesterday I was able to grab it. I’m getting worse and I know what I’m doing is wrong. I just don’t know what else to do without dragging others with me. As I stir my coffee, my ears pick up a distant sound, immediately freezing my actions. It’s like a slow creaking, sending all my senses on high alert. I know it’s only the wind from outside, or a floor board, but I’ve been like this for a while. Any sound sends me on edge, even if I’m the one who created it. The silence is something I’m still trying to get used to. Living with others has made me oblivious to the little ticks of the house, but now that I’m alone and always paranoid I hear everything.