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《Maria》Heir to the Empire

Reviewer: marshaa1306

“Heir to the Empire”

Story by RobClark5

Title/Cover - 9/10
The title of this story has a really cool fantasy vibe to it which I really enjoy. It tells me that I’m about to read about some magical kingdom and puts me in a good mood before I even start reading your book.
The cover also conveys a perfect fantastical, dark feeling that goes with the story well. The one thing that could be improved about your cover is where you’ve put your name. I’d advise perhaps moving it so it is below the title or below the words at the top of the cover. Other than that, your cover is amazing! My favorite element of it is probably the tagline of “Queens are born. Rulers are made.”

Blurb - 9/10
I was absolutely in love with your blurb up until its last two words. It’s way more intriguing to a reader if you just say “the most dangerous enemy the world has ever known” and then leave it. This will make your readers wonder and it won’t throw off the rhythm of your blurb either. Besides these two words, though, the blurb was fantastic! It genuinely made me want to read your story.

First few chapters/Exposition - 10/10
The story starts off with a bang. After two paragraphs of reading, I was already immersed in your story and did not want to put it down. You’ve also done a great job of introducing the Necromancer, Loldirr, and Willis and building the world they live in.

Plot - 20/20
The plot of this story is just fabulous; I am almost at a loss for words. It’s coherent, exciting, and engaging. Also, there’s many layers to the storyline that make it so much more intriguing for the reader.

Pace - 10/10
The pacing of this story is immaculate. There are multiple fast-paced moments that are very masterfully written. My eyes flew through your paragraphs when I read; I just had to know what happened next!

Grammar, Punctuation, Syntax & Diction - 9/10
This story’s grammar is almost perfect; there are very minimal mistakes. The one mistake that you make consistently lies within your dialogue. There is a very small problem here and it is that you can never have a period to end a length of dialogue. You should use a comma instead. Example:

Incorrect: “Hello.” I said.
Correct: “Hello,” I said.

As you can see, this is a very minor fix and it shouldn’t be awfully hard to correct.

Characters - 15/15
Loldirr: She is such a strong character and she is described very well. I had no trouble visualizing what she was like; there was a very vivid image of her in my head. Also, there is so much mystery surrounding her parentage, her situation, and her powers. It’s super interesting and intriguing.

Willis: I imagine him to be the polar opposite of Loldirr. Where Loldirr is strong and smart, Willis is softer and the happier type. It actually broke my heart when something happened to him (I won’t say what it is exactly. I don’t want to spoil anything for potential readers).

Other characters in general: All of your other lesser characters are well defined and they each have their own story that makes them who they are. If someone were to ask me who a particular character is, I could easily tell them some things about that character. I find that I can’t do that in multiple other stories because only the main characters have written backstories.

Overall Enjoyment - 15/15
This story has so many things going for it. It had me on the edge of my seat and I was fully immersed. Plus, the world was just so well written and I was able to easily picture everything in my head, which I like to do. Rest assured, I am going to read this story to the end!

Total Score: 97/100