Thorny Reviews | REVIEW SHOP [CLOSED]

《Maria》Ichino Tundra

Ichino Tundra - A Lands of Ralosia Story by Sanch250

Reviewer: marshaa1306

First off, I enjoyed reading this story. The best thing about your story is the world it’s set in. It’s so difficult to create a new world from scratch and you’ve managed to seamlessly do so.

Title/Cover - 7/10
The title is good because most of the action happens in the Ichino Tundra. Also, just the name “Ichino Tundra” sounds so fantastic and real. In books, places have to have good names to really be memorable and you nailed it.
For the cover, it still needs to have the title and author written on it. The image itself is pretty nice and crisp-looking. It also exactly represents what I imagine the Ichino Tundra looks like.

Blurb - 7/10
The paragraph that actually explains a little bit of what will happen in this particular story is very short. Now, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but really short blurbs need to be able to pack a quick punch. Yours doesn’t have that punch yet to make the reader continue reading. Like I advised before, make your blurbs more exciting so the reader wants to keep reading.
That being said, I do enjoy how you add a little bit on the bottom of your blurb to kind of explain a little of the world. It makes things a lot less confusing, that’s for sure. It was also helpful how you listed a few of your stories that could lead into this one.

First few chapters/Exposition - 10/10
Your writing really shines in the beginning parts of the story where you need to introduce characters and the conflict. You do such a great job of explaining things while still making it engaging for the reader. So, keep that up!

Plot - 15/20
The plot is interesting. Two boys fight each other and then end up having to work together to survive. Storybook ending. The thing is, they work together waaaaay too easily. I mean, they’re fighting one second and in the next Aero is asking the masked one for relationship advice. It makes no sense to me. In my eyes, things need to be a lot more strained in the cave because, if we’re being realistic, there’s no way the masked one would help Aero if he didn’t wanFirst few chapters/Exposition - 10/10
Your writing really shines in the beginning parts of the story where you need to introduce characters and the conflict. You do such a great job of explaining things while still making it engaging for the reader. So, keep that up!
Another thing about the plot that I wish would have been better is the relationship between Aero and Oopa. It could have been so perfect, but it just was kind of a letdown for me. The moments between them were dull and didn’t hold a lot of emotion or weight. Now, not all kisses or things like that need to be super detailed or anything but it would be nice if you added some emotions. It seems like the two of them just talk, kiss, and go their separate ways. There’s no way of telling what they’re thinking during this and the moment seems flat and lacking. So, I’d advise giving a look into someone’s head, whether it be Aero’s or Oopa’s. It would make the whole relationship about ten times better and would give the element of humanity to their interactions.
Okay, now to talk about the whole ice cave situation. First of all, this whole situation seems unnecessary and I can’t see the masked one being so desperate that he needs to go into this cave at all, especially since the masked one didn’t necessarily even need to get into the cave. I mean, seriously, if I were the masked one, I would have concentrated all of my focus and power on taking the red gem from Aero instead of hoping to get lucky and happen to find one in an icy cave. Not to mention that the cave requires the masked one to go into a prison, break out one of it’s infamous inmates, detain Cook after getting into the cave, and then possibly have to go after Aero anyway if the gem in the cave isn’t the right one. I know this is a massive part of the story, but I’d like it if you worked the ice cave into the story in a different way. For instance, instead of having the prison break (which I think is a whole lot to go through just to get into a cave, by the way) maybe start off the story with Aero going into the tundra to check on the prison and Cook while the masked one follows him. Then, the two start fighting and back into a cave. A rogue focus blast collapses the cave’s entrance and the story continues as it does originally. Again, this is just a suggestion, but I feel like it would be a lot more natural and realistic than the prison break.

Pace - 6/10
The pace throughout the story rarely changed at all. Almost every scene was delivered in the same way and it all came across as the same. I’d recommend emphasizing the ups and downs of the story when they occur (because you do include them in your story). For example, when the two of them fight, hype it up! Give it a build-up and then capitalize on the moment!

Grammar, Punctuation, Syntax & Diction - 9/10
There were a few unprecedented changes in tense that can be easily fixed. Otherwise, good job on this one!

Character Development - 11/15
There is some character development in this story but it needs some work. In the instance with Aero and Oopa, like I mentioned before, their relationship could be so much better. Including some emotions and thoughts should do the trick.
The other characters I want to talk about are Aero and the masked one. Their relationship confuses me. The masked one is trying to steal from Aero, they’ve fought a few times, and they don’t like each other. Then, one cave collapse later, they’re solving the problem, working together, and Aero is asking for relationship advice. It’s like a complete turn-around that happens in a matter of minutes. In the cave, I think it would make sense if they are on the verge of fighting basically the whole time. Their whole exchange should be as begrudging as possible because they’re enemies. Maybe they can start to soften towards each other right before they escape the cave, but the change has to be so much slower if you want it to be more realistic. By the end of the story, the masked one and Aero should have taken steps in the right direction but not become as close as I felt they became.

Overall Enjoyment - 13/15 points
In general, I enjoyed this story. The writing is good and I love your writing style. After some editing, this story will be better than ever.

Total Score: 78/100