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《Maria》Frozen

Reviewer: marshaa1306

Public Review
“Frozen”

Story by TVD_is_bae_1980

Title/Cover - 9/10
The title of this story is kind of generic but it does pertain to the story since Elsa has ice powers.
The cover of your story has a nice theme and I like the blue and black combination. The pictures of Harry and Elsa also look nice.

Blurb - 7/10
The blurb is super short and doesn’t really make me want to continue reading your story. I’d add some more background information on both of the main characters and then ask some questions to make the reader wonder. Otherwise, your blurb is flat and doesn’t hold any weight.

First few chapters/Exposition - 7/10
If you’ve read the Harry Potter books and watched “Frozen” you’ll know what is going on. If you haven’t, then there are tons and tons of holes in your story. So, if you want to make your exposition better, you’ve got to include all of the details about Hogwarts so the reader knows what is going on. Even though I’ve read Harry Potter, it still would have been nice to have the whole beginning explanation.

Plot - 18/20
I like how the story is the Harry Potter story but Elsa and her family are woven into the storyline. It’s interesting how you’ve made the two of them an item because Elsa needs the ice in her heart to melt. The only critique I have here is that I would love it if you had more original content because the Harry Potter stories are great, but this should be more of your own unique story.

Pace - 8/10
The pacing in this story is okay but it does need a bit more variation. Try to create more faster and slower paced moments by using a wider vocabulary. Don’t worry about straying from the main Harry Potter storyline, after all, this is your own story.

Grammar, Punctuation, Syntax & Diction - 5/10
There are so many grammatical and punctuation errors here, I don’t even know if I’ll have time to list them all. Sentences often didn’t start with a capital letter, they didn’t end with any punctuation, and they either didn’t have enough commas or used too many commas. Please, please, please go back and fix all of these mistakes! If you don’t know how, there are multiple editing shops on Wattpad where you can hire an editor to revise your story.
Another thing that you need to fix is how you write your dialogue. You often put a space between the quotation marks and the words of the sentence and then you don’t have any punctuation at the end of the quotation marks. So, here are a few examples of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable:

Incorrect: “ Clearly, fame isn’t everything, Mr. Potter ” said Snape.

Correct: “Clearly, fame isn’t everything, Mr. Potter,” said Snape.
Correct: “Fame isn’t everything, is it, Mr. Potter?” said Snape.
Correct: “Fame isn’t everything, Mr. Potter!” said Snape.

One more thing that I noticed about your writing is that you are very repetitive with your word choice. For example, you use the word ‘smirked’ very, very often. I’d advise switching up the words that you use to make reading your story more interesting.

Characters - 13/15
Just to make it clear, I’ll be giving a few of my thoughts on your two main original characters because I think you’ve written the characters from Harry Potter well enough.

Elsa: She seems like your typical school girl and I like her kind, caring nature. I’m also intrigued with the fact that she has this whole soulmates thing with Harry. It’ll be interesting to see how that plays out.

Anna: I’m not sure what to make of her character yet, since, in my opinion, she is almost a clone of her sister. They have the same mannerisms and way of speaking. I’m not sure if you deliberately did this, but I’d recommend giving Anna more of her own personality so the reader can differentiate between the two sisters.

Overall Enjoyment - 13/15
I enjoyed the fresh take on Harry Potter that this story brought to the table. His and Elsa’s story has been intriguing to read so far and I may continue reading to find out what happens. Keep on writing!

Total Score: 80/100