Thorny Reviews | REVIEW SHOP [CLOSED]

《Samantha》The Apparent Suicide...

The Apparent Suicide of Miranda Shaws by TrishaIyer1

Reviewer: samantha-writes

Cover: 3/5
— I like the picture used in the background and the blurry effect added to it.
— The font is fitting to the cover, but it needs to be centered.
— The sticker at the bottom looks weird. That's not a big deal, I just thought I'd mention it.
— Where's the author's name? That's definitely something that should be there. You don't have to put your real name, so if you don't want to, put your username.

Title: 5/5
— I really love the title! It's clear to readers that everyone thinks Miranda committed suicide, but the word "apparent" suggests that she may not have. It's the perfect way to hook readers.
— Personally, I don't prefer when writers put the character's full name in the title, but it works for this one. I don't know why. And I don't think anyone else will ever come up with a title like yours, so I like it a lot.

Blurb: 1/5
— The blurb is way too short to be as effective as it could be. It should be 100-200 words long, but I doubt this one is even 50.
— You don't introduce any characters besides an unnamed girl that was depressed, lonely, and committed suicide.
— You do, however, introduce the concept: there is new evidence suggesting that she didn't kill herself. You should also talk about the detective, the threats he's been receiving, and the new deaths. Don't necessarily go in-depth about the new deaths, but maybe mention that some more lives will be lost.
— You just need more overall. Introduce all the important characters including the detective, Delilah, and Miranda. Tell readers a bit about Delilah. Talk about the threats and even more deaths. Provide some hooks at the end.
— Right now, the blurb seems more like something that would be on the front cover or in a trailer, not the summary of the story concept. It's interesting, yes, but it isn't effective as a blurb.

World: 1/10
— What kind of town or city do the characters live in? What school does Delilah go to? These are the kinds of questions you aren't answering for your readers. It seems easy to world-build in realistic fiction stories, and in a way it is much easier than in unrealistic fiction ones, but there still needs to be some world-building involved.

Plot: 15/20
— I love the main conflict! There might be other stories with a similar one, but I still love this one.
— The exposition felt a bit short, but I didn't mind it too much. It might have been because the world wasn't introduced much, so maybe if you fix that the exposition will feel longer.
— Besides the exposition, the rising action feels rushed too. You don't have to keep moving constantly. If an important event occurred, show how it's affecting characters. How does Delilah feel about Joshua's death? We get a vague sense, but you don't go deep enough. Same goes for Jean. Delilah's reaction to Jean's death will say a lot about her personality, so let the readers know. Just have scenes where you take a pause and aren't passing one event after another.

Characters: 7/10
— You give some nice backstory to most of the characters. I like how much you describe Delilah and her relationships with others.
— Delilah's appearance is provided, but nobody else's is. Maybe theirs are mentioned, but it clearly wasn't enough to stick for me. And you could remind readers about Delilah's looks a bit throughout the story too.
— What are the characters' ages? I'm guessing they're in high school (besides the detectives), but you haven't said it.
— We know a good bit about their families and relationships with them. I appreciate the emotion you show regarding the the main characters and their family members.

Chapters & Content: 7/10
— The flashbacks feel so random. Maybe if they were in a consistent pattern, it wouldn't feel that way, but right now the just feel odd. You can probably just bring up her memories every so often throughout the story instead of having the flashbacks take up half or all of the story.
— There are lots of points of view that you switch between, so maybe just limit that to 2 points of view? At most, 3.
— I like the length of the chapters. They fit with the teen fiction audience because they aren't too long and can hold the attention span.
— I like the suspense in the anonymous person's POV. Have more of that. Rushing limits suspense, remember that.

Grammar/Spelling: 17/20
— There were some minor mistakes here and there but nothing major. Only really some comma issues and mainly speaker tag issues.
— When you're specifying a noun's identity, you need commas around it. I know that can sound confusing, so here's an example: "My best friend, Miranda looked at me with a shy and quiet glance." First off, take out "quiet" because it doesn't make sense. A glance is obviously going to be quiet. It can't be loud. More importantly, you need a comma after "Miranda" because you were specifying the identity of the "best friend." There doesn't just need to be a comma before the specified identity but one after as well.
— You don't need a comma before the words for/and/nor/but/or/yet/so if the phrases around them are not both complete sentences. If both are incomplete or even just one is incomplete, there shouldn't be a comma before the conjunction. Keeping that in mind, remove the comma from the sentence "A lean, but well-built boy hung from a rope on a high branch." Or, if you prefer, you can add a comma after "well-built" because the phrase "but well-built" is unnecessary information that can be taken out without the sentence losing it's intended meaning.
— You need commas NOT periods at the end of dialogue when it's followed by a speaker tag (sentences that identify the speaker, for example, "she said"). "'They are re-opening the case.' answered mother" should become "'They are re-opening the case,' answered my mother." For question and exclamation marks, however, don't use a comma. Simply leave the intended punctuation and make sure the beginning of the speaker tag is lowercased, which you seem to do a good job of anyway.

Writing Style: 8/10
— Have some more variety in your speaker tag placement. Don't always put the speaker tag at the end. Add some spice and move it to the beginning or in between dialogue. You're not too bad about this, but you should change it up a bit.
— I like that you have some sentence variety. Very nice!
— Pretty good vocabulary for the audience. Not too formal because it's teen fiction but not too repetitive either. Great!
— The dialogue is a little weird sometimes. You can use contractions some more. That's how teens talk, luv. No need for the characters to be like, "I am doing good." As a youngin myself—ew that made me sound so old!—I can verify that nobody talks like that lol. So for sure make the dialogue less formal than the narration. Even the narration can have contractions, actually.
— I could use more imagery. Really get into the senses and describe scenes in depth. You do a decent job of this, I just want MORE.

Enjoyment: 4/5
— HOLY CRAP I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT WHAT IS GOING ON WITH WHATSHISFACE WHOSE HAIR THEY FOUND. I KNOW HE'S NPT RESPONSIBLE, SO WHY IS HE ACTING SO GUILTY. WHAT THE HECK. I NEED TO KNOW.
— As much as I've nitpicked this story, it's really engaging. I really want to keep reading, and I'm sure I will.
— The rushing does bother me, and I do wish you would just pause and show the characters' emotions in response to the events, but that's my biggest complaint. Everything else is just picky.

Overall: 68/100
Really great main conflict and potential for this story. Focus your attention on the pacing and the characters' feelings. Definitely work on establishing the world or rather the community. Fix up the blurb and maybe the cover, and you should be set. This story is really engaging, I mean it. I'd love to keep reading once some changes are done, and I'd even like to continue it now! Good luck writing and editing!

Links to resources will be provided via PM shortly! 💖