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《Ellen》Rectifying Oblivion

Username: H_Speaks1
Book: Rectifying Oblivion 
Genre: Romance
Chapters Read: 10

Reviewer: EllenFairyBlue4

Thoughts: 

Ok so first off, I have an idea of the direction I think this story is going to go concerning the car crash for Rowan and Ejiah's difficulty with his brother's death. But I won't spoil it for the readers. I will say this however, that you are working with a tricky mental illness. I say tricky because it's a challenge to show her illness when around others. Not only that, but working with mental illness is tricky in general.  

Now that that's out the way, your characters are good. They are fleshed out enough. Where you're lacking is in the writing itself. Your sentences told almost everything that happened in your character's life. When writing,  there's a flow one wants to capture. It's tricky to capture flow, and it's tricky as well, because flow often gets mixed up with descriptive writing.  

For example: 

Yours: There was a familiar scuffle of shoes that came from outside my room, as I reached for my gray journal I had been aiming for, lifting off a stack of textbooks. I ran my hand over the aged leather cover, tracing the jagged and worn edges as I mentally prepared myself to open it. (chapter 1)

Mine: The familiar scuffle from outside my door moved away. Reaching for my gray journal, I lifted it from a stack of textbooks sitting on the floor next to my bed. Running my hand over the aged, leather cover, I couldn't help pondering how this book has suddenly become a big part of my life. I ran my fingers along the jagged, worn edges, mentally preparing myself to open this book that held so many secrets.

See there's a flow to my version without being too wordy. Or coming off as monotonous and tedious.  

Your plot is solid though, and while I didn't have time to completely read to the end, I found myself wanting to know how the story would end. As I've said, I have an inking on what's going to happen. I just want to see if I'm right and how your characters would handle the events. 

You have your story done. My only suggestion is to rewrite. Look for better ways to convey your thoughts well the thoughts of your characters. It's a good story that I would have read on, but at the same time, the writing is what was slowing me down. Use different sentence structures and choose stronger words to replace weaker ones. Also work on moving your sentences to active voice instead of passive. 

Example: 

Yours: I was brought from my dazed stupor as my phone buzzed against my leg. (Chapter 10) (passive voice)

Mine: The buzzing of my phone again my leg jogged me from the daze I seemed to have drifted into. (Active) (This might not be a good example but I hope it helps.)