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《Samantha》Bright and Strong

Bright and Strong by illiteratehooman

Reviewer: samantha-writes

Cover: 4/5
- I like the fonts and the picture used for the cover, but the overall appearance of it seems basic and a bit lackluster.
- Since it looks aesthetic and the characters in the photo seem to match fairly well, I think it's good, but I'd consider upgrading it.

Title: 2/5
- The title is vague and doesn't particularly fit with the story as far as I can tell. I think that it would be better if it was about puzzle pieces or something thematic like that, not just two words that feel off together.
- (I get that it might be referencing Claire, who is strong and, I guess to Ethan, bright, but it doesn't really click, if that makes sense.)

Blurb: 1/10
- The quote at the beginning feels unnecessary and out of place, so I'd either pick an interesting snippet from the story that will hook readers or take it out altogether.
- The first sentence feels really blank and basic, but it's supposed to be a hook that draws readers in.
- There isn't a main conflict introduced either, but to be honest, it doesn't seem like there's a main conflict in the story to use in the blurb, which is another problem that I'll bring up later.
- I especially don't like the final sentence because it doesn't convince readers to commit their time to read your story. It feels pointless because nobody knows Claire, so it feels irrelevant to the first-time readers.

World & Settings: 7/10
- The setting descriptions are inconsistent, but they are pretty good individually.
- Since it's realistic fiction, the world isn't hard to set up, so you do a good job of establishing it. It isn't outstanding, just good, although it could be improved upon with more details throughout the story.

Plot & Conflict: 4/20
- Like mentioned before, the main conflict is really lacking. Like, I get that the story is about Ethan meeting his true love, Claire, but that's not a conflict at all. There isn't a problem or any reason why they can't be together, so you need to add one.
- The story isn't all that interesting either because there aren't enough minor conflicts to make up for the missing main conflict and properly interest readers.
- The exposition could use some work too, maybe by slowing down the introduction of characters, but it's not bad. - (Just make a main conflict or at least make it appear earlier on if you have one already.)

Characters: 8/10
- The characters were introduced well, although their situations were brought up abruptly. Even their relationships with one another seemed to progress too fast.
- Other than that, they seem to have clear traits and well-established backstories. Similarly, the backstories were introduced too early, in my opinion, and the start, but at least the readers knew them.

- Their appearances and personalities were described well too, so I think overall it's good, just maybe slow it down a bit at the start.

Chapters & Content: 2/10
- The chapters don't feel like they progress the story, just like a new day with a new scenario and a few more character details and some relationship developments. It adds a little bit to the story, but it doesn't make me want to read.
- In addition to that, the dialogue is separated incorrectly. Instead of single-spacing, you need to double-space with each new speaker, just like any other paragraph.
- (There's more about dialogue that need to be corrected, but those are more grammatical than organizational, so they'll be in the following category.)

Grammar/Spelling: 2/10
- The main problem is that you shift from past to present tense very often. Many times, it isn't very noticeable, but when it is, it's bothersome as a reader. It seems like you want the story to be in past tense, so go through and fix those mistakes. Don't forget to change words like "now" to "then" or "at the time" and "this" to "that" because they sound like present tense most of the time (not always) and can be hard to catch onto.
- There are tons of comma errors in almost every sentence, especially with compound sentences, introductory phrases, and additional information.
- Compound sentences are two complete sentences (hence the name "compound") with a coordinating conjunction (for/and/nor/but/or/yet/so a.k.a. the FANBOYS) and a comma before the coordinating conjunction. When there isn't a comma, it becomes grammatically incorrect. For example, "It was not too far away so I decided to walk there," should become, "It was not too far away, so I decided to walk there." It's important to mention that there doesn't always need to be a comma before FANBOYS, only whenever it's connecting two complete sentences, so to check this you can read the sentences separately and take out the conjunction. If they can be complete sentences by themselves, it can be a compound sentence and needs a comma before the coordinating conjunction.
- For introductory phrases (such as what I just wrote to start this sentence), commas are often optional, but if the phrase is very long (like what I wrote just now after "but"), you need a comma, else it will sound like a run-on sentence.
- When you write additional information in a sentence, you need commas too. An example is when you use the word "which." In more cases, "which" is used to add on additional information that could be taken out of the sentence and wouldn't change the meaning. If that's the case, you need a comma around this additional information, and in the case of the word "which," you'll need to put the comma BEFORE the word.
- You also need to make sure you have punctuation after dialogue and proper speaker tags.

Writing Style & Vocabulary: 2/10
- You write too much as if you're having a conversation with the audience, which is normally fine and can make the readers feel closer to the protagonist, but it's very extreme in your story. And when you do talk to the audience in this way, you normally change tenses, so I advise you to reduce this.
- Since your story is then fiction, you should definitely write with more contractions ("it's" rather than "it is," for example). It relates more to your audience and how they speak because it's less formal and more relaxed.
- Even though teens are your target audience, DO NOT write like you would text. "*dramatic hair flip* *realizes doesn't have much hair* *sad boy life*" It really pained me to read that even though I'm in your target audience because I know you shouldn't write as if you're texting. Besides, that just throws of the entire flow of the story. Just take all of those out or replace them with something else.
- Your vocabulary needs lots more variety too, like a whole lot more. There are alternative words besides "said" that you can and should use, so please use them. Use a thesaurus if you can't think of any off the top of your head. There are other words too that could have more variety, but with the target audience in mind, I think "said" is the only one that really needs changes.

Enjoyment & Engagement: 3/10
- This story wasn't particularly annoying to read. It has some great characters and the few sub-conflicts thrown in made it a little interesting.
- I certainly wasn't engaged into it, and it didn't make me reluctant to put it down, but it wasn't a hassle to read, so I didn't hate it.

Overall: 35/100
Again, not particularly bad, just needs lots of work. The characters and settings are, for the most part, fine, but other factors like the plot, grammar, style, vocabulary, and chapter organization need a lot of attention. I'd focus on the first impression factors, like the blurb, title, and cover last because they're the least important. There's a lot of editing to be done, so good luck and keep writing!

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