Thorny Reviews | REVIEW SHOP [CLOSED]

《Maria》Shivani

Reviewer: marshaa1306

Public Review
“Shivani: A Legend Begins Here”

Story by bimaia

First of all, I’d like to apologize for the late review. Second of all, I want to commend you for writing such an interesting story! I enjoyed reading it very much.

Title/Cover - 10/10
The title of this story sounds really fantastical and gives me ancient kingdom vibes.
The cover also looks really nice and I love how it pictures the burning city in the background of a mysterious girl. It looks so intense which mirrors the actual content of your book.

Blurb - 10/10
Your blurb sounds so perfect! It introduces the main character and a bit of her past while explaining some of her predicament. I also like the questions you asked at the end of your blurb. You’ve done a great job of creating a hook for the reader.

First few chapters/Exposition - 10/10
I love how you’ve introduced the world and the main characters without being so blatant about it. In your first chapter when the emperor’s workers are talking to him, I get the immediate sense that the emperor is uber-powerful and feared by everyone. I also am very intrigued by the woman who talks to the emperor’s workers and I absolutely love how you’ve described her beauty! It just sounds so perfect; wonderful job.

Plot - 14/20
Alright there are some things we need to talk about here. First of all, I am so confused with many of the things that happen with Alaric and his daughter. In the second chapter, there’s some sort of bubble that takes him and his daughter somewhere and he gets a chance to look at the land. I have no idea where the bubble came from or how he conjured it so a brief explanation is in order here.
Secondly, when the force begins crushing Alaric, I have so many questions. Where is the force coming from? If his bones are all breaking, how is he still alive? How is his daughter not crushed? The source of the mysterious, invisible force is unclear although I suspect it’s from the Guardian/monk person. If you’d like your readers to know this, make sure to clarify. As to how Alaric and his daughter survive the whole ordeal, it might have to do with the fact that they’re part of some different, superior race to humans. If this is true, make sure to explain that to readers because I assumed Alaric had normal human capabilities. Any special abilities he might have are unknown because they are not stated at this point.
Thirdly, how in the dystopian world was Alaric magically healed when he saw the paradise/graveyard/whatever it was? How did the paradise/graveyard come into existence? Why are the monks down there in the first place? I can ask more questions, but I’m not going to say them here. There are a lot of things in this story that seem to just happen out of the blue. When you are writing, you have to think about the causes and reasons behind the things that are in your story. Otherwise, the reader has to wonder about everything and it can turn them off to your story.

Pace - 10/10
I think that your pacing is quite nice with the properly spaced ups and downs. Good work!

Grammar, Punctuation, Syntax & Diction - 8/10
Just a couple things:
You change the tense you’re writing in constantly. One sentence you’ll be writing in present tense and the next you’ll be writing in past tense. You need to write all your verbs in the same tense because it makes the story so much smoother to read.
There are a few typos and such here and there and sometimes your sentences are worded strangely. The typos can be fixed with a quick lookover. Your sentence wording can be helped by reading your sentences out loud to yourself when you’re writing. When you read things out loud, you’re more easily alerted to weird sentence order and the like.

Character Development - 14/15
Your characters are very solidly established. Alaric is a kind, protective father who hates his brother and will do anything to ensure his daughter’s safety. The emperor is a cold-hearted toad who thinks of himself first and works to his gain even if it means hurting the people he loves. Alaric’s daughter will most likely be introduced more later on in the story because she is just an infant in the beginning.
The one thing I have to say here is that some more introduction to the monks might be nice for your readers. They seemed to just show up and Alaric was suddenly fighting one of them. A little backstory would help a lot here.

Overall Enjoyment - 14/15
In general, I really liked your story’s vibe and writing style. Honestly, with the way you write, it sounds like you are already a published author. This story has loads of potential; keep improving it and it’ll go far!

Total Score: 90/100