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《Ellen》To Stop My Death

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Review for: To Stop My Death by Redstarshard

Reviewer: EllenFairyBlue4

So I read up to Chapter four and part of Chapter five. I drew the line when you have her mention she should have 'died back in chapter four'. With this being a novel, breaking the fourth or third wall here just made me not want to continue reading.  (Please note: this is a personal preference.) I feel like you have a great angle going with her former best friend Valentina trying to kill her. I mean the story had me interested at that point. I love a good game of cat and mouse. Anyway as you added in the subplot of her relationship with Richie, I felt like it was a little too immature for high schoolers, but I could be wrong. I wasn't a fan of that subplot as it took away from the main plot which was Valentina chasing Amira. These were my initial thoughts.

Your blurb was good, but it lacks something. I'm not sure what, but it does have that spark that makes a blurb enticing.  The cover was cute and I thought it fitted perfectly with the story. But I also feel like a cover on two friends would fit too as the story seem to center around Amira and Valentina.

The overall plot was interesting.  I haven't cane across a story where a time traveling necklace was the cause of a broken friendship.  And the added 'voices' that Valentina had heard was really interesting.  I'll reframe from using the word schizophrenia too much. To me, hearing voices isn't just a sign of schizophrenia. Anyway that was my issue with that. Now I love the revenge thing going in between Valentina and Amira, who wants to redeem her friend in a way. I believe you'll have a great story here, but it just need more thought. Like why does Amira skip with Richie other than the fact that she likes him? Is it so Valentina would find a weakness to explore and uses against Amira. Or it to show that Amira's life is changing due to Valentina 's disappearance? A disrupt in her use to be normal life.Anyway I'm wondering if Richie saw Valentina when they were at McDonald's. You didn't quite say.

As for your characters,  I feel like you have a great gasp on Valentina,  Amira is sort of lacking in character development.  I mean it doesn't shows her distress too well. She basically continued with her life after her friend's disappearance. She still gets good grades and is liked by most, and she even now have a love interest. I know Valentina was wiped from their universe, but then you hinted that everyone had a vague memory of Valentina. So I feel like Amira should well be feeling depressed or anger. Show this in her life like is she withdraw from friends after that night or short tempered with her family. Show the disruption in her life, relationship ties, and health.

Your structure is good. I would add more descriptions on setting and surroundings.  Your dialogue was good during the parts where she spoke to Valentina.  With Richie she seemed like a elementary school girl. I mean she ran away after kissing him. (By the way, Richie took way to long to process what happened during the kiss scene. You made it seem like he just stood there during Amira long thinking process. He had plenty of time to catch up to her way before the taxi arrived.) I didn't see nothing grammarly wrong.

Overall, I liked this story. I wouldn't have stopped reading if you haven't broken the forth wall there.