'J-just sit... Ya! Stop dragging your feet and just- aishh...'
Yeosang laughed as Wooyoung dragged him into his room and sat him down on his bed. 'What now~? I was just reading my book!' he complained, albeit only half heartedly.
'You are absolutely hopeless. Stop complaining and sit.' Sucking in a huff, Wooyoung ran a hand through his hair, collecting himself. 'Sang, I need to show you something, and I don't want you to get mad...'
I don't want you to get mad...
Yeosang's eyes suddenly widened, his playfulness evaporating within an instant, being replaced by intense nerves and worry. 'Oh no... Woo...' He wasn't even sure he wanted to know. 'What did you do...?'
Watching through terrified eyes, Yeosang stared at his brother who was biting his lip nervously, avoiding his gaze. Pulling at the pastel blue sleeves on his slightly cropped knitted sweater, he fidgeted uncomfortably. 'Sangie... I... umm...' But as he couldn't seem to find the words that he wanted, he became increasingly more frustrated with himself, groaning as he pouted angrily.
And as much as Yeosang wanted to be supportive, any conversations that started with don't get mad, were conversations that Yeosang dreaded...
'Wooyoung, you're scaring me. Please stop stalling and spit out whatever it is, before I have a melt down.' Heart beating a million miles an hour in his chest, Yeosang felt like he couldn't cope with much more...
But as his panic rose, Wooyoung's frustrated, sparkling doe eyes looked up, confused for a moment, before understanding glazed over them. He hurried up to his side and took his shoulders in his hands, shaking his head with conviction. 'No~,' he countered. 'I didn't do anything! .....Or at least nothing that you don't already know about... I promise!'
His eyes were filled with conviction, and through it, shone the truth. It made Yeosang's heart relax, his pulse calming down.
And so he breathed in a slow, long breath of relief. Calming his anxious mind, he reached out and put his hands on his brother's waist, trying to hold him still as he saw his anxiety start to bubble to the surface. 'Okay hun. Okay that's good. I'm not panicking anymore,' he said softly, heaving another sigh of humongous relief. 'Okay hun, so you want to tell me something els-'
'Yes,' he interrupted, clearly eager. 'But it's... it's a little... umm...' Wooyoung bit his lip, his shoulders shimmying a little in frustration as he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. And with his cheeks beginning to flare with a dusting of rosy tint, he looked like he was trying hard to get something out, but was being stopped by something...
He's embarrassed...
Yeosang's heart ached. 'Woo baby, it's okay. Hyung is sorry I panicked, alright?But we've been through the wars, but I meant it when I told you I always going to listen to you, and try to understand you. Okay? I promise you can tell me. I promise...' Rubbing at his sides, he tried to duck his head around to see into his brother's shaded eyes. 'Woo... you know you can tell me anything, right?'
But still, Wooyoung hid his shy eyes, avoiding meeting his gaze as he bit his lip and picked at his knit sleeves. 'Mhm, I know... but...'
Yeosang felt his heart ache for him. 'Naw hun, what is it? Can you tell Hyung-ah what's wrong? Please?'
Wooyoung pouted, letting himself be pulled closer into Yeosang's arms. 'Nothing's wrong, exactly...' He mumbled, looking down over his shoulder to avoid Yeosang's eyes, and hiding away his shyness.
'Okay. That's okay. Then what is it, Woo?'
Watching as his brother bit his lip nervously, still picking at his sleeves, Yeosang held his breath, waiting...
'It- it's to do with the club...'
Almost as though the second hand paused on the clock, Yeosang felt a sour taste rise within him. Suddenly extremely worried for what he was about to hear, he forced himself to shove the panic away, for his brother's sake. He couldn't let him see the hurt he felt, especially since it would only make him pull away...
'Mmm? What about the club?'
Sneaking a peek at Yeosang's face, Wooyoung seemed a little braver, having seen his lack of reaction, and words started flowing. 'I have been thinking about it a lot, a-and I... I want to show you something...'
Yeosang frowned a little, but nodded anyway, hesitantly letting go of him and watching as he nervously stepped back; walking to his wardrobe. Opening the doors, Yeosang couldn't understand what was going on. What was in his wardrobe that was creating so much anxiety within his brother...?
Swiping his clothes aside, Wooyoung took a deep breath, staring down into the bottom of the wardrobe. However after a quiet little wishing of good luck to himself, he reached in and picked up what Yeosang suddenly saw was a timber box; and not one he'd seen before.
He watched as Wooyoung walked over to the bed, sitting down beside him and holding it in his hands with a certain gentle tenderness that had Yeosang wondering what meaning it held to him. Having clearly hidden it away from sight, it was obviously something he didn't feel comfortable sharing with him, or Joong...
'Hyung-ah... D-do you maybe want to... open it...?'
Glancing at his brother, Yeosang took a quiet breath, scanning his scared face. 'If you want me to...'
Seeing him nod, Yeosang put gentle hands on the clasp to the box, careful to treat it with as much tenderness as Wooyoung was. He waited a few moments, giving him one last chance to change his mind, but when he just nodded, giving him a small, tiny smile, Yeosang clicked the clasp open, and opened the lid...
He didn't know what he'd expected to find. Maybe photos? Money? Hell, he had no idea. But out of any guess he could have made, clothes wouldn't be among them. He almost wanted to roll his eyes at himself for the lengths his mind had jumped to... Funny that, how clothes, were being kept in a wardrobe.
Feeling himself relax entirely, Yeosang let out a relieved breath. But as he did, he felt Wooyoung stiffen beside him, and for a moment, he couldn't understand why...
And that was when it dawned on him.
The club...
Glancing down into the box again, the first thing he noticed were the fish nets, stuffed into the corner of the box. It was from there that he noticed that the entire narrow strip down the side was ordered with various lace and pantyhose. Beside it looked to be a small selection of tops, followed by shorts and even skirts, and the other edge held jewellery and belly chains and inserts for high heels...
'Sang-ah... I... umm...'
Yeosang glanced up at his brother, and the moment he saw how worried he looked, Yeosang felt sick. Wooyoung was picking at his own fingernails now, a habit he'd had since he was just a boy, and he was sure if he kept at it, they would start to bleed...
Immediately closing the box and putting it aside, Yeosang crossed his legs on the bed and turned to face him, putting a hand on his back, and another on his arm.
'Woo, you didn't need to show me if you didn't want to. I kind of already assumed you wore more suggestive things...'
But Wooyoung suddenly shook his head vigorously. 'That's not it,' he said quickly. He swallowed anxiously before continuing. 'I'm not showing you, because I wore them at work...' As his nerves increased, he wiped at his cheek with his sleeve as a way to fidget uncomfortably.
And rubbing his back comfortingly, Yeosang let him gather his words. Waiting patiently, he scooted closer, a knee resting on Wooyoung's lap, and the other behind him. Resting his arms around him, he rocked them a little, letting him take his time to sort through his emotions, and his vocabulary.
'Sang-ah... I... I think I...'
A long moment of pause ensued, before Wooyoung groaned loudly, so frustrated that his voice cracked and his eyes began to sparkle.
Immediately, Yeosang reached around to rub his chest, melting a little as Wooyoung put his hands over his. 'It's okay, hun. Take your time. We can stay here all night if you want. Deep breaths...'
Swiping at his tears in frustration, Wooyoung huffed, sniffing. His anxious fidgeting was getting worse, to the point where Yeosang decided to put his hands over his to stop him from picking at his nails and rubbing his cheeks...
'Ugh, no~~! I don't want to be here all night! I just... I just want to tell you! Fuck!' Annoyance shining through his words, he glared down at himself, giving himself a disgusted look.
And Yeosang hated it. 'Woo, it's okay. Hun just take a deep breath, relax. No matter what it is, I'm going to stay right here, okay?'
Nodding a little, when Yeosang prompted him to breathe in, Wooyoung stalled nervously. Closing his eyes, he took a few moments to collect himself before he breathed in with the sound of his brother's breath, and let it out slowly and readying himself...
'Hyung-ah, I... I think I might have an... an- inclination... towards being a little more... feminine... than... this...' Biting his lip until it started to go red, he tensed, dreading hearing his response.
A long silence fell over them, and Yeosang waited to see if that was it. However when he seemed to be waiting for him to answer, Yeosang felt himself let out the greatest of relieved breaths he'd ever done. 'Aww baby. You feel that wearing these clothes makes you feel closer to the feminine part of yourself?'
He watched as Wooyoung's eyes opened wide and innocent like those of a doe, his teeth letting his lip pounce back out as his lips separated in shock. 'I... maybe...'
Yeosang gave him a smile, rubbing his back. 'Do you want us to use different pronouns?'
Wooyoung shook his head a little, his expression shy. 'I... I'm a boy. I know that... B-but... A-am I... Is it wrong...? Is there something wrong with me? Am I broken...?'
Yeosang felt his heart shatter. 'No, Woo. You are most certainly not, broken. Wooyoung masculine, and feminine, are just words. They might be attached to men and women, but at the end of the day, they are just words - sounds. Just because you're a boy, doesn't mean that you can't be feminine. And just because you're feminine, doesn't mean you can't also be masculine. It's a sliding scale spectrum anyway. You can be whatever you want, whenever you want. Woo hun, you just are, as you are.'
He cooed, his heart absolutely aching for him as he pulled his body into his arms. 'Woo, you're not broken. You're perfect.'
Feeling him hiccup in his arms, Yeosang pulled him closer, rocking them a little on the bed.
'B-but... You and Joong-ah aren't like me...'
Yeosang wished he could just erase all of the beliefs inside his head. 'Wooyoung, do you look at Hyung or I, with a number above our head ranking us on our femininity or masculinity? No. You couldn't even if you tried. Every single person in this world, is different. They are on their own continuum, and they're on different pages. Therefore babe, you can't compare anybody.
Just because a girl wears pants, does that mean she's suddenly masculine? Jeans? Is she more feminine if she wears overalls in pink, or a dress in brown? Does every girl who puts a bow in her hair have to me feminine? What about if she has a bow in her hair, but she wears training suits and no shoes? Is she feminine then, or masculine? What about if she has a shaved head, but has a dainty voice and wears skirts?'
Wooyoung sniffed against his chest, his tears slowing.
'Woo I know you feel this is a really big realisation for you, but hun, you've always been your own person - and I don't want to even use the words masculine or feminine, because they're irrelevant.' Brushing his fingers through his hair, he hummed against him. 'Woo, I still remember mum teaching you how to use makeup.' He giggled at the memory. 'You made mum look like a clown,' he laughed, and to his relief, he heard Wooyoung choke on a giggle against him.
It made Yeosang relax. 'Hun back then, not you, nor mom, or dad... or me or even Joong - no one even batted an eye. Because it was you. We didn't go, oo, Wooyoung is being feminine~.' Yeosang rolled his eyes at the thought. 'That would be stupid.' Rubbing his back, he could feel Wooyoung's tension slowly leaving him... his fingers slowly calming from picking at his nails...
'Woo, you've always preferred softer nicknames, and you've always worn more dainty clothes that are less chunky and blocky. You are very attention poor and love hugs and kisses and cuddles and company. You have a grand amount of sass - which I often feel bad for giving you,' he teased, heart melting as Wooyoung giggled against him. '-and you are soft and cute and full of aegyo.' Hugging him, he gave him a peck on the top of the head.
'But Wooyoung, those things don't belong to a male or female subset. They're just you. And we love you.'
Just then, the sound of keys in the front door grabbed both of their attention, followed by it swinging open and shut relatively quickly to keep the cold out. One pair of feet softly tapping on the floor, Yeosang glanced down to see Wooyoung tense a little.
'Hyung-ah... D-do you think Joong will think so too...?'
His soft, hopeful voice crushed Yeosang's heart. Kissing him on the nose, he ruffled his hair, smiling. 'Let's see, shall we? Hyung! Family meeting! Ass in here now!'
Feeling Wooyoung cringe and shy into his chest, digging his face into the cross of his neck, Yeosang brushed his hair back,glancing up when Hongjoong appeared at the door.
'Oh? Are we getting sentimental without me?!' Coming over, he glanced at Yeosang, his eyes filled with questions.
'Woo, do you want to tell him, or do you want Hyung to?'
'Hyung-ah...' he replied, refusing to look up.
And so nodding to the box behind them, Yeosang reached out a hand to drag Hongjoong over into their hug. Standing beside the bed, Wooyoung slipped in to rest against him, digging his face into his side.
'Woo feels like he wants to be more open, and more feminine... He thought he was broken.'
Hongjoong's gaze softened instantly, brushing his hair and hugging him. 'Naw, hun. That's not being broken. That's being healthy. Everyone has a feminine side, and everyone has a masculine side. All you have to do is look at the manliest hunk of man turn into a mama's boy.'
Wooyoung giggled, a shy sound that made Yeosang's heart melt.
Squeezing him, Hongjoong gently pulled back, moving to sit on his other side. Wooyoung immediately went crawling after his attention, and Yeosang felt his heart melt as he watched the two rest their foreheads together, the way they had done since they were just kids.
'Woo hun, do you want to use different pronouns? You can be one today and another the next if you like.'
And the smile that grew on Wooyoung's lips, was enough to lift Yeosang's heart back up off of the floor, mending it back together.
'No... But Sangie was right... You two really do think the same.'
~~~