One hand supported my head as I stared down at my textbook with a downhearted expression on my face—my usual attitude during the Defence Against the Dark Arts lessons lately.
Just like Harry struggled to come to terms with Sirius Black being his godfather, I found myself grappling with my own emotions concerning Professor Lupin
Harry and I had discussed my feelings about the situation numerous times, yet I still felt unsure about how to handle it.
So, I opted for the passive approach, pretending not to know anything and accepting the circumstances as they were, but that was proving to be an emotional struggle.
"That will be all for today. Next lesson we'll continue on this subject." Professor Lupin announced.
After his words, chatter arose.
As I gathered my textbook, quill and ink, I saw Professor Lupin walking towards the back of the class, where I was seated.
When he finally stopped at our desk, Lyra, fell silent.
"See me for a moment, Amelia." He said in a friendly tone, but there was a hint of seriousness in his expression.
I nodded, trying to suppress the nervousness that threatened to spill over.
With a knowing glance, Lyra rose from her seat. "I'll wait for you outside."
I watched Lyra leave the classroom along with the other students before I walked to the front of the class and stopped next to a wooden desk from the first row.
As I stood before Professor Lupin, he patiently waited for me to meet his eyes.
I knew that avoiding eye contact had become a coping mechanism for me, a way to shield myself from the intensity of our unresolved issues.
But this time was different. As I gathered my courage and looked into his eyes, it marked the first time since the last Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson before Christmas that I managed to maintain eye contact with him for longer than a fleeting moment.
There was warmth and understanding in his eyes, but also a hint of concern and curiosity.
"I can't help but notice the change in your attitude ever since Christmas... You used to sit here at the front of the class and participate in my class, but now, you no longer stick around after class, asking about your parents... I've been asking your brother for him to ask you along to the Anti-Dementor lessons, and every week I'm given a rather weak excuse for your absence."
The weight of Professor Lupin's words felt like a blow to my heart, even though I was fully aware of the truth behind them.
Tears pricked my eyes.
The weight of my experiences, growing up with adults who didn't love me, seemed to crush me at that moment.
''... Initially, he declined to become Amelia's godfather due to specific circumstances...''
The wounds of feeling neglected and unseen by those who should have cared left a lasting impact on my heart. The unfairness of witnessing love being showered upon others, like Dudley, while I felt overlooked, added to the pain.
A deep breath made my tears go away.
"What about it, Professor?" I asked quietly.
"I'm not a fool, Amelia. Something is bothering you." He said, cocking his head as his eyes dropped to my necklace.
"I'm fine." I lied, my eyes darting around the classroom.
He sighed. "Would you say the same if I were not your teacher?"
Professor Lupin's question caught me off guard, and I hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to respond.
"No," I said truthfully.
There was a part of me that wanted to speak my mind to him—
"Yet, that's the only thing you are to me, right? So what does it matter?" I added.
—but I couldn't.
"Lily's daughter is dear to me—thought you would've figured that out by now."
As his words sank in, I found myself fidgeting with my necklace, lost in thought.
My mind couldn't help but draw a bittersweet conclusion.
I realised that while I may hold significance in his life, it wasn't enough for him to fulfil his role as my godfather, or so it seemed.
Once more, his gaze wandered towards my necklace, his amber-coloured eyes lingering on the golden pendant.
"I get the feeling you recognise it. Do you?" I wondered aloud, extending the golden heart pendant towards him.
"Lily would never take it off, ever since she got it."
"Who did she get it from? My Dad?"
"Me."
Oh.
"Why is there a paw on the heart?"
"Your mother was the greatest animal lover I have ever known and know. She attracted animals and was always surrounded by them."
I took a shuddering breath. "Can you tell me something else about her? Something you haven't said before."
I felt a strong need to understand him, to grasp where things had gone wrong. Despite hearing his affectionate words about her, the question persisted: Why did he not want to be Lily's daughter's godfather?
"Your mother was there for me at the time when no one else was. Not only was she a singularly gifted witch, but also an uncommonly kind one. She had a way of seeing the beauty in others, even and perhaps most especially when that person could not see it in themselves." He said, his eyes flickering with low spirits.
Abruptly, the classroom door swung open, causing me to instinctively glance over my shoulder, my eye catching his next class entering.
Professor Lupin emerged from behind his desk and quietly walked alongside me towards the back of the classroom.
He spoke with a gentle tone, reminding me. "You can always come to me, you know that. The same goes for Harry. I also hope to see you in the anti-dementor lessons. Even if you just prefer to observe and support your brother, your presence alone will bring positive results, Amelia."
Acknowledging his words with a nod, I then left the classroom, making way for the incoming sixth-year students.
As I stepped outside the classroom, I saw Lyra patiently waiting for me. Her familiar face brought a sense of comfort amidst the uncertainty I had been feeling. I approached her with a smile, grateful for her presence.
"Thanks for waiting," I said, offering a small smile.
"Anytime," Lyra replied, her gaze attentive as she observed me. "Are you okay?"
I let out a soft hum in response, trying to downplay my emotions.
"Are you sure? You haven't seemed okay for a while now." She said with concern, her voice apologetic.
Tears welled up in my eyes once again as I shrugged my shoulders.
"No," I admitted, feeling the weight of my emotions becoming too much to bear alone.
In Lyra's warm embrace, I finally allowed myself to let go, and my tears flowed freely.
I hated crying, but there was no way I could hold back the flood of emotions any longer.
"I wish I could tell you," I mumbled, feeling the weight of keeping secrets from her. There was so much I was hiding, and it weighed heavily on my conscience.
"It's okay," Lyra reassured, her soothing touch on my back offering comfort.
As much as I appreciated her support, I felt conflicted.
Her words were kind, but the truth remained.
First, it was Sirius Black occupying my thoughts every single minute of the day, and now it was Professor Lupin.
Those specific circumstances...
After Defence Against the Dark Arts class, we had a free afternoon, and my usual routine involved spending time with Lyra in the Common Room. However, today was different.
Hermione had requested my presence in the Library. As I entered, I spotted her diligently working on an essay, completely absorbed amidst a few stacks of books.
"Hey," I said in a hushed tone as I settled down next to Hermione.
"Oh, Amelia, I'm glad you're here." Hermione expressed warmly, setting her quill aside.
"You didn't ask me to come here to tutor you, did you?" I asked, my mouth forming a thin line.
"No." She admitted. "Although, you'd be surprised how much you could teach me about Potions."
Her words stirred a vivid memory of the day I replaced Hermione in Potions, claiming her coveted spot alongside Malfoy.
Hermione's academic prowess remained unscathed in all other areas of our class, though.
"Either way, do you remember the lesson we had about werewolves?" She asked, gazing into my eyes.
I sensed a shift in the conversation coming, but I must admit, I wasn't prepared for it to veer in that particular direction.
"Yeah." I nodded. "Snape gave it, right?"
"Yes, indeed, and did you find it interesting?" She asked.
I considered her words for a moment, trying to remember the lesson, as it had been a while.
"It was okay," I answered.
"Well, I found this book about werewolves... I do hope you enjoy reading." She said, her eyes flickering with anticipation as she waited for me to give her a positive answer.
"I love to read books about Potions and Healing, and also Muggle fantasy books, but I can make an exception, I guess."
"Perfect," Hermione replied cheerfully, thrusting a thick book right under my nose.
With excitement evident in her voice, Hermione pointed at the cover featuring a striking werewolf, saying. "It covers every facet of werewolves, from their characteristics to lycanthropy, the werewolf community, and even personal stories and experiences shared by some wizards and witches."
A moment of silence hung in the air as I absorbed her words, my mind contemplating the vast array of information contained within the book she presented.
"You're making me read this for a certain reason, right?" I questioned with a pinch between my brows.
"I am." She nodded.
"And then what?" I asked.
"Once you've finished reading, take some time to ponder the content, reflect on life, or think about certain people. You don't have to rush through it; read one chapter a day. There are twenty-seven chapters, and they are quite lengthy. As for borrowing the book, I've already taken care of the permission slip with your name on it, so don't worry about that. And, oh, on the day after you complete the book, I'll be waiting for you at nine o'clock in the Library. There's something you'll want to see here by then."
Her words piqued my interest, and I couldn't help but feel curious and intrigued about what awaited me
Fully convinced of Hermione's good intentions, I wholeheartedly embraced her plan.
With winter providing a cosy atmosphere, second only to autumn, I relished the opportunity to read daily.
As Hermione said, the chapters were truly lengthy, so I started making notes.
Lycanthrope—mental disease.
Deeply feared and despised condition.
Victims begged to be allowed to die rather than become a werewolf.
Lonely feeling. Restless. Exhausted. Transformation. Painful. Werewolfry.
Full moon. Once a month.
Potion. Wolfsbane, relieved, but did not cure, the symptoms of, or werewolfry.
Aggressive. Kill friends and loved ones. Misunderstood. No family, especially no children.
Infection. Any bite or scratch obtained from a werewolf, whether in human or animal form, would leave permanent scars, even if the wound was sealed.
Fears.
A werewolf could attack itself out of frustration.
Self-inflicted scars.
Premature ageing from the problematic transformations.
Oppression.
Discrimination.
Anti-werewolf legislation, impossible for werewolves to find a job.
Werewolf Code of Conduct, promise to refrain from attacking and biting non-werewolves and lock themselves up during transformation.
Prejudice.
In the dim light of the late-night fire, I finished the last chapter of the book and made my final notes.
Hermione's advice to think about life and specific people after reading the book stuck with me, and my thoughts wandered to my parents.
As my hand subconsciously reached for the necklace I wore, my fingers delicately traced the engraved paw on the golden heart-shaped pendant.
...specific circumstances.
Full moon, restless, self-inflicted scars, no family—especially children.
That night, I cried my heart out.
Hermione was right about me wanting to go to the library. It was there where I could find books on how to brew Wolfsbane Potion.
It wasn't going to be easy, but I wanted to put in a lot of energy and time, solely because of the person in question.
If it weren't for Lupin, I wouldn't be making such an effort.
I wanted him to know that I understood him and that I wasn't scared of him. I wanted to help make his life as easy as possible by creating a flawless Wolfsbane Potion, even if it was expensive, extremely difficult, and dangerous if something went wrong.
But if it takes just that for Lupin, Harry, and me to have a better life, a somewhat happier life, together, I'm willing to take every risk.
It all adds up: Harry and I have plenty of money to buy those expensive ingredients, I'm terrific at Potions, and my ambition to make this has never been stronger. Moreover, there was the necklace.
It was meant for my mum and now, thirteen years later, I'm wearing it. This was not a coincidence, but fate.
I know that I'm far too optimistic, but I have good hope. It's what keeps me going every day.
Promptly at nine o'clock, I found myself entering the library and searching for Hermione.
The brunette stood up when I came into her view.
Her eyes went to the book she had given me before, locking with mine. "And?" She asked, unsure.
I took a deep breath and looked down at the book.
Then I pulled Hermione into a hug.
"Thank you so much, Hermione," I said gratefully, the book still in my hand, pressing against her back.
"You're welcome," Hermione said. "I hope I did the right thing."
"You did. Believe me, you did." I assured her.
She smiled and took out another book. "I assume you're going to try to make a Wolfsbane Potion, aren't you?" She said, waving the book.
After I nodded, she gave me the book and put away the one about werewolves.
"I've checked several books with the instructions, and this one explains it the best. It also includes various tests to see if you got the potion right." She explained.
"I don't have all the ingredients, though." I sighed, studying the list.
"There's another trip to Hogsmeade next week. Tell me what you need, and I'll get it for you. But remember, Wolfsbane is expensive."
I practically melted at her words. "You're the best. I'll give you everything you need."