life updates for anyone who cares

sex appeal

so i told you how two days ago i felt so great, i felt even better yesterday  !! ugh love it

i felt so in my element as a sexual being. even tho i wasnt doing anything sexual but i just felt so free and liberated. and thats the point of sex appeal anyway. ive tried "physical sex appeal" and firstly i feel uncomfortable and not even sexy,  i feel useless. however luckily sex appeal has nothing to do with what you wear and everything to do with your vibe.

and no one can call your vibe a 'crime' like they can about what youre wearing so ye less to lose. anyways im done with three of my exams! that was quick tbh. i just got one more left on the 18th. and i dealt with the pressure of it all so well. i didnt freak out, i didnt have an anxiety attack (not even anxiety poop!) and its defs bc of how i embraced my sex appeal and sexuality. i felt o free just being so open and non-judgmental of myself. i felt ambitious once again. i want to do things again i want to reach goals again. and i better savour this feeling and not burn it out bc thats what i did before

so im in shaa Allah gonna start my new job after the 18th so im quite excited to do that but i dont wanna expect anything bc she wasnt very clear about whether or not i got it. i guess she'll know after the orientation, so i better be on my A game. i cant be caught lacking, im just hoping that she really is as desparate as i feel.

anyway, i just want to be easy about it, whatever happens. i mean tbh you cant really "lose" smth you never had lol so even if i dont get it... its not really a big deal. i havent a job for the past four years and ive been fine so ill be okay whatever happens.

ill just have to start applying to jobs like supporter workers which is heavily subsidised by the govt so im not depending on this "job" offer that hasnt acc been offered. i still want to stay open and apply to other places and i only need to do a little course for orientation which wont even be hard otherwise i already meet every other requirement so ye it shouldnt be too hard in shaa Allah

anyway, i love the way im reacting to this and the rishta too. i told myself and my family that why do we keep talking about a person who doesnt talk about,  let alone THINK about me or us? like are we beggars or some shit? im absolutely disgusted. i told my mum to forget that it even happened bc frankly, it didnt. it was an experience and its over and so are the emotions. do you ever keep thinking about how you felt on a roller coaster? no. you get over it and are grateful you didnt die.

i just want to write it down here so if anyone  comes across this when i die, etc you can know that if it didnt work out.. then thats it dont try to force relationships. its work. and relationships shouldnt feel like work.

i realised why ive started to feel more sexy and sensual is bc i started sleeping without my bra on. and let me tell you. it is THE MOST LIBERATING thing in the world. omg ive literally been getting such good sleep and waking up so refreshed, i dont feel like checking my phone, im careful about listening to loud noises and it hurts my ears and SOUL to hear loud things. maybe im old or maybe theres so much going on on the inside that any outside stimulus will break me so i avoid it. in this case, this avoidance is good. i try my best to avoid arguments but bc im on my period, i kind of "let it rip" but ye obviously need to control that.

also, ive been feeling like i need to get married lately lol and not bc of cOmPaNIoNShiP but bc of hormones. ive been feeling like so sexual lately, its bad omg. but ye hopefully Allah sends my man SOON so that i dont do anything stupid, bc shaytan is with us all and there is a first time for everything