life updates for anyone who cares

feeling abit overwhelmed

well a bit overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time.. if that makes sense?

im kind of numb to it tbh. s*x is the only time i really feel smth or when my husband says smth stupid/rude and i start crying but otherwise pretty flat affect.

my excuse is the two month holiday and covid but honestly, we choose our moods. the problem is im in no pressure to change it lol

im abit all over the place bc me and my husband are thinking of starting a food truck close by and so far im not feeling very motivated to participate bc hes got everything in his name and i dont really feel a part of the process. when i brought up the fact that i wanted him to change our joint bank account to our ship name, he immediately got defensive talking about "is this a trap" he laughed it off, talking about me bringing it up possibly in divorce court etc and that he didnt want me to have "one over [him]" ???? and this was all from his imagination. so ye, i dont really feel like participating bc the moment i mention a concern about ownership he goes "dont you trust me?/whats mine is yours" etc etc.

altho i have no hopes of anything that he has mentioned (eg. divorce etc.) i just thought it silly that hes not willing to put my name on things and it makes me suspicious and doubt the relationship, like if the relo means a lot to you why is smth like putting it under my name, or putting the money in a joint account a big deal?

idk i automatically lost trust i feel. more than that, telling his mum about this business plan has gone unsuccessfully bc she immediately said "well you guys arent professional cooks/you have no experience/you guys struggle in the kitchen"etc etc. altho all are valid points, i feel like shes especially hard on my husband and i compared to my oldest brother in law who is also in a couple of fields he has no particular expertise in but doesnt get discouraged by mum. 

i also dont believe you need to be perfect to start smth. perfect location, perfect food, perfect people, it just doesnt happen. and i didnt really feel good after talking to her about it, dad's criticism was quite productive tho. for eg. he talked to us about exposure and how we should try it out in front of a store-front before we go full out.

but my brother also said that he didnt do any of that, and he just got started and utilised the power of facebook groups and we're kind of going off of that for now. im glad that we consulted them tho. so ye, im not particularly excited about really anything except my psych units rn. alhamdulilah but i hope that i can learn a lot. the thing about me is im a very quick learner, i dont make the same mistake thrice, maybe twice, but never thrice. im a very quick learner, despite what my mother in law thinks. and especially in this day and age with google being at your fingertips and cooking/baking tips being so accessible, you dont need so much experience etc in baking to be a good baker. everyone ik has learned off of youtube and google and i already know a lot of things about the kitchen alhamdulilah. idk this whole pressure to "learn from your mistakes" when you can also learn so much from other people's mistakes, but what do i know, ive only been in the kitchen for 1 and a half or so years compared to my MIL's 30 years, sigh. but thing is, ik how to make my rotis ROUND and nice and ive only done it a couple of times and everyone who makes rotis can tell you, that if you've mastered rotis, youve mastered everything

the other thing is, ive realised and made peace with the fact that my mother in law will always try to nit-pick things in me, bc its easier to point at someone else's work than at your own work (your own sons/daughter) and so i will not be more than a daughter in law in her eyes, so i dont need to go out of my way to impress her. bc it doesnt help. everything i do for is for the sake of Allah, and ofc that doesnt mean im rude/mean to her or i dont respect her, but she is after all, my mother in law, and there is always that barrier - and honestly - i prefer the barrier, i dont have anything against it. and im not pointing fingers at her either, bc that barrier keeps me from enmeshing myself in her emotions/mood swings/headaches/ wishes etc etc.

ive gotta stop holding other people's crap in me bc it makes me stale and ava is not stale. i hold in emotions instead of letting go of them. i was acc listening to this lecture about limiting beliefs and it said youve gotta start treating your thoughts like youre at the airport baggage pick-up and youre waiting for your bag.

you dont just pick up any bag that comes your way, even if it looks the same, you carefully search and look for your bag - if we give so much delicacy to our luggage, what about our hearts and minds? what about our thoughts that are always racing?

this reminds me of the concept of collective consciousness, just bc a thought exists in your mind, does NOT mean it should be a thought thought about. for eg. theres a lot of things in the marketplace but you dont grab at everything just bc its THERE and you have money to pay for it. NO, you consider if you really need it, if youre going to use it, and if it is a useful product for you. thats it.