life updates for anyone who cares

idk where to begin

so my friend's phoppo passed away on eid day and it just hit me like a ton of bricks but also not bc i just know she had a peaceful death but when we went to grieve, all i noticed was everyone saying such nice things about her but it's like where were all her flowers when she was alive? like she didn't know all this impact she had on people, but she did and now its all useless bc she never got to hear it. idke, i feel like ive lost so much of myself this past year being smth else or trying to be smth else

i always have a fight with my husband about his job etc bc i feel he just doesnt get it from my perspective. hes sick of people asking him about his job bc he doesnt have one and at what point can you stop blaming people for asking and start blaming yourself for not having one? not even for a proper reason but just bc you have all these made-up excuses like 'i dOnT wAnNa wORk fOR sOmEoNe" or "Im nOt gOnNa Be GeTtINg pAiD" like are you getting paid rn? no? okay so isnt it better to perfect the skill than earn money for it? like im so confused. half the time its "dont chase the money' the other half is like "get the skill dw about the money' anyways i dont wanna talk about him anymore, it just feels like a broken record now.

about my friend's phoppo, i was just thinking that you have to be very special to people if even randoms like me, i only met her once, are making dua for you in TAHAJJUD. RANDOMS IN TAHAJJUD. do you know how beloved you have to be to Allah for randoms to be making dua? i just felt like making dua for her y'knnow? ive never made dua for someone like that

moreover, i feel FAT. i dont just look fat, i feel fat, i feel like eating sweets all the time, ive really been falling off the wagon and i hate that i see it but im not making a change. ik it starts with the little things, i stopped having greek yoghurt for the last 10 days and its affected my appetite majorly, so i need to get back on it again. 

i forgot to write here that i listened to my sister's video diaries on her phone and i saw an entry about me and my husband. the jist of it is: she felt like my husband 'stole' me away from her or that we became farther bc of that, and she resented the fact that she was 'slow, and immature' for most of my life which is why i couldnt/cant tell her stuff. she said 'we used to be close' but i remember it differently. maybe she is missing me bc she took me for granted, im sure its that but we weren't 'close' by any means. she would always choose her twitter friends over me, she would obsessed with clout etc and she wouldnt defend my name so how could we be close? we didnt see eye to eye, we always fought, she told me she didnt trust me bc i "dont understand her" so how were we close? she told me she cant wait to get married bc then she'll finally 'have someone' so how were we close?

i just dont like how it was misrepresented, and honestly ik she lacks self-awareness and defs forgot how it was before, bc before i was the one "begging" her to love me, and she thought that was us being 'close' but really, not only is it embarrassing on my part but also it just wasnt true. if we were close, you would tell me stuff like i would tell you and i wouldnt always be feeling like its unreciprocated which i always felt it was. you cant suddenly say 'we were close' now that ive found someone who listens to me like i listen to them and gives me so much love i couldnt even imagine but it is what i tried to create with you, but you shunned it away. 

you dont get to say ' we were close' when we werent. im glad that she showed snippets of self-realisation: that she was immature, didnt understand me, and we probably wont relate until she gets married (not really true but ok).

idk that part annoyed me, even tho im very flattered that she feels for me this way, and ive felt like she does and i try my best from my best from my side, to distil that feeling of strangeness between us, but some of it is just natural bc now im married.

and its not just her i feel far away from, its also my parents. idk what it is but i dont like staying over too long at my parents' place bc i feel trapped and like how it was pre-marriage when i had to be the 'eldest' sibling. idk what it is maybe ill have it figured out soon enough, im quite tired rn