life updates for anyone who cares

thinking of the past and the future

so unfortunately, the rishta's sister posted a picture of him and i just frkn realised how frkn attractive he is. i literally cannot keep a str8 face in front of him; its a really sad state of affairs. like what, just looking at that picture sent me back to how annoyed i was at him in the second date. hes got such an annoying im-about-to-burst-out-laughing playful look on his face, like he could get away with crime... and that he could.

but damn man, i spent an hour having an imaginary conversation with him, back at the second date and trying to do it differently and instead of telling him, "it would be sad if it ended on these terms (the granny flat)", i told him "i dont think this is going to work out, i dont think you are even trying to listen to what im saying (let alone understand) and i think im done with this conversation so im going to call my dad and we can tell them after a day or two that this isnt going to work out instead of wasting our time."

i just feel like telling him and projecting onto him what my family was telling me: "oh hes such a good one, dont let him go et etc" really made me look desperate on the second date and i want to redeem myself somehow. so i was fantasising about a bbq that i keep fantasising about but this time im having a convo with his dad about being a lawyer/solicitor  and hes telling me all these inside-man stuff so im naturally quite curious and interested and asking questions and i dont realise  its just me and his dad talking. so obviously, we both get up together to get food and bc hes retired, i kind of help him up but then his brother comes and gets him up instead and i smile at him. and then uncle and i walk towards the bbq... towards the end of it, when we're about to leave, uncle says "this is a daughter in law i wanna bring home" and then he turned to the "rishta" but he shy-ed away and i saved myself the embarrassment and said "i think we'll be alright, uncle. ty for your knowledge and i want to take down your phone number so i can ask you questions about how the law is applied etc and you know if theres any job openings, pls refer me" and he touched my head and said a dua and i smiled at him and politely excused myself from him and the rishta.

bc i have a feeling that we are going to be hanging around ALOT and its gonna be uncomfortable so i might as well imagine all the scenarios i can before i face that maggot. and i just wanna stop smiling bc his dumb face makes me smile so much its bad. its so contagious omg, hes got such a beautiful smile that even when his mouth is in a str8 line.. it looks like hes smiling.

today was such a weird day.. like my exams start on the 2nd and end on the 18th and im just not feeling like studying. i want to do EVERYTHING but study and its so irritating. ughhh, anyway did i tell you i got a job interview? im due to start after the 18th and its smth related to my psychology field  so thats smth im looking forward to fosure. i hope i get the job, i think i pretty much will but she said she needs to give me an orientation, i have all the skills she needs and 5 years of experience so i doubt she'll find someone better than me in the urgency that shes in. and i dont think she has ample time to interview anyone else.

anyway i really wish i could get him out of my head but for some reason i keep thinking about scenarios with his stupid face in it (mostly bc of psychocybernetics telling me to imagine a situation going perfectly so that when the time comes, its not a conscious thing that im doing but quite "automatic")

anyways, is it weird that one of my goals in life is to be so perfectly polarising that i attract both genders? i want to make girls question their sexuality sm, that they admit they have a crush on me. i just need to step into that mindset uno? but im not sure exactly how to do it and thats ok. as psychocybernetics has put it. i only need to know WHAT i want, the HOW and WHEN will come with time and trust

so ye. i want to be the perfect androgynous personality that is equal parts hot and cold enough to entice, attract and keep my "victims" in love with me and always want to serve me. that is what i desire. i like it when people tell me: "ava, i never knew i was gay and had feeligns for girls until i met you" i want "accidental" kisses to happen with girls. i want to be polarising so i can attract BOTH genders as i see fit. men are attracted to my woman charms and kept by my deep understanding of their psychology (i.e independence) and women are attracted to my woman charms and kept their by my aloof and cold stance which imitates the "bad-boy" they so desperately crave. this is what i want from life.