life updates for anyone who cares

tayaa jaan and narcissistic siblings

so ive had a rough start to 2020 since i kind of broke my rules.. when i caved in to my emotional outbursts and kind of passive aggressively let me half-sister (bc thats what she is) know how much she hurt me. i dint really talk about what it was that hurt me, for eg, the fact that she doesnt care about anything but herself but i did point out how she lies for clout.. bc she does.

and we were going somewhere today and i started crying in the car, with all my sunscreen running down my face, thats how much she hurt me. and i remembered how my dad cried when my tayaa jaan left for pakistan three days ago. and honestly, my tayaa is the toxic type of seductive.

where you can't get enough of him... bc he doesn't really have a personality.

he kind of is just a doctor and he loves control. but thats about all i know about him. he is very narcissistic, hes on a surface-level relationship with everyone. hes not interested in anyone else and thinks everyone should be interested in him bc he just exists.

he said he misses us and that for the first time in his life, he didnt WILLINGLY go to his clinic that is his second wife. and i believe him, bc he cried when he left us.

but when my dad told him that he missed him, and my dad started crying (my dad literally never cries, the last time he cried was four years ago) and my tayaa just ended the call.he left my dad high and dry.

just like my stupid half-sister leaves me. high and dry.

and i realised... narcissists don't have personalities and i was watching dalexis and jordan peterson where they said that men project their ideal woman onto the woman they are with and so she becomes the source of pain and pleasure. and thats what ive allowed my sister to become. its time to distance myself bc when i  acc put pen to paper i realise an A4 paper has more dimensions than she does. she is a flat character - who is just influenced by her peers so much that she will disagree with me bc she acc feels superior when she does.

im proud of myself for being brave enough to realise this; for being able to put a label on this b*tch like she does.

i dont think i should associate with someone who doesnt even have the guts to cancel someone who disrespects me; i mean she doesnt do the same for herself - so i guess theres some integrity.

but ye. i wont respect a coward who values relationships based on low self esteem over self-respect.

she doesn't even have a value system.

"For the same reason, it doesn't help to argue with them. They're not going to have insights from your feedback. And you don't need to defend yourself, because it isn't about you. It's really about them and their personality and lack of interpersonal skills. They tend to see things in all-or-nothing terms so that the fault is all yours and all the victimhood as theirs. You can't change that." PsychologyToday

"While you can't control a narcissist's behavior, you can control your own. Instead of trying to get them to change, look at how you can change. One of the first places to look is at ways you may tolerate or support their narcissism. In many families, a narcissistic sibling or child slowly takes over by demanding the most and loyalty, insulting everyone (even parents), violating the family's rules, and manipulating its decision-making. You don't have to cooperate."

she fits the criteria entirely, i don't need anymore convincing.

she lies to everyone about how our mom is 'HeR RoCk' LOOOOOOOOOL she literally talks out her ass i acc cant.... she lied to my mum about her 'adam' crush is NOT the same as her old one (liar) my mum doesnt know crap about her life wallah she lies so much may Allah help her

-she is literally a personality catfish; she LIES CONSTANTLY. she doesnt get tired of lying. shes lied about loving to clean, shes such a tidy person (check your facts), she cooks once in a year, being begged constantly by my mum and shes crying the entire time, shes basically an e-girl, but apparently no one in the world wants to be a housewife more than she does

-she literally expects us all to go thru with her crazy manic attacks that she gets where she says dumb crap like 'iM GoNnA DrOP OuT' or 'i DiDnT kNoW mY $22000 cOuRsE WaS GoINg tO Be LiKe tHiS" bc shes a craphead and doesnt research anything beforehand and cries later - pussy.

-i hate how my dad accommodates her eCcEnTrIC tastes and i realise my dad is no stranger in falling into same hole more than once - first with his own brother and then his daughter and son.

- i told my mum this and about we should just get her married off bc she doesnt wanna live with us - thats clear with how she only forcefully participates, with a grimace and frown for extra flavour so im like 'hey if youre gonna be this salty and detached as if youre living in shared accommodation, might as well play the part and pay the rent?" my mum thought i wasnt serious  and said 'relax' but i want to shake her to see the reality.

- i just dont want my parents to be fked over like my grandma was fked over by my mamoo so i will do anything to protect my parents - even if that means cancelling their most fragile orchid children. bc MAYBE MAYBE they will realise how much they need us once we cut them off -- but first it needs to be emotional. and that is the hardest part.

- but wallah idc about my own marriage, I want her out of the house like rn. but i hate her. i really do. if i could kill her, i probably would. like i said, idc what she does to me, but if she frkn tries it with my parents - its frkn game over and im dead serious and she will be dead

- i hope she gets married right after me or even before me bc she needs to be out of this house and stop leeching off our family, shes a frkn opportunist, omg i just realised - she really just uses people. just like my tayaa jaan uses people - its like my tayaa times the phone conversations we have bc he literally called to ask how i was and then said one funny thing and then said 'khuda hafiz bachay' and has the audacity to call me immature. LOL. this is how elders teach us conversations - by expecting you to somehow be interested in them when they couldnt care less in what we have to say.

- ik my parents obviously wont agree to paying rent but i want the sentiment to reach her, or atleast my parents so they think about what im saying.

-its not even rudeness, she literally DOES NOT CARE about anyone else but HERSELF. we are literally frkn DROWNING in rent and this b*tch has the audacity to go out buying food from outside and she sneers anytime she has to buy any of us anything (i just paid her back for a $4.50 ice cream that her SHITTY majesty bestowed on me)

idk how im gonna convey this to my parents but im gonna try. i want this spell of tayaa jaan gone first. i remembered what we studied in psychology about pavlov's dogs, operant conditioning and the reinforcement schedule.

tayaa jaan, my half-sister and half-brother all operate the variable ratioin which reinforcement is delivered after an unpredictable number of responses and the rest of us are their frkn lab rats listening to their command and only adjusting ourselves to their frequency. well no more. i wil behave on my values not on how flattery makes me feel. keep a str8 face, stay surface level and fgs dont share feelings with people who dont know what they are.

I hope she reads this one day - if its not in this world, i will say this to her in the next.