life updates for anyone who cares

consumer >>>>> producer

so i came across this ideation that spoke to me talmbout becoming a producer instead of a consumer - and i hate being a leech and ik God gave me a brain.

people on tiktok are doing more than i am - and thats saying smth.

crackheads make enough to get by - dont get outworked by a crackhead.

i wanna have crackhead energy for the rest of 2020 - where i strive so hard, so much for my personal and professional goals that i don't get caught up in basic-ass vices.

you judge a man by his vices.

if im gonna have vices, i'd rather it be pride  or vanity or crazy about purpose instead of drugs, or ugh boys,  or attention.

i want to be powerful -- that means putting in the work. not just wishing. lately ive  been trying to surround myself with more positive  vibes -- and honestly idc that i sound like a typical youtuber. i don't. i realised in the last couple of days why people have aesthetics - why people have tumblr, and to keep my sanity, im gonna assume most of them dont know why they do it. but if im gonna do it, its going to be part of my law of attraction practice.

another new years' resolution is to make lists. thats right. im not sure what i would make lists of - but i want to put a value system that is ordinally numbered so that i can refer to it, and also create smth for myself and others -- to refer back to whenever we're 'lost in the sauce' of life or relationships - bc thats my niche.

and hating on others for doing whatever they think is best, even if i dont agree with it is a waste my time. as shallon, my sister/mother says, 'treat your emotional currency as actual currency and watch yourself be more careful about spending it'

we think emotions and vibes and feelings are a bottomless pit but truth is, they're not, and when we think that, we give ourselves away. we waste energy (money) on petty things that acc don't even feel good in the moment for them to feel good afterwards -- but we do it anyway.

and that is another bad habit of mine -- i start unnecessary fights and arguments even tho i know they're not going to be useful or fruitful. i also resort to name-calling or ad hominems.

i want to create rules and theories for the world also.

like one theory i have, based off  of my observations of homosexual couples and my studies  on gender roles/expectations/identity (which ive subtly been struggling with), i propose that gay people never really dig deep enough, or accept the nuance of their gender identity which is both masculine and feminine - so they turn to their exact opposites which i would say is kind of what shallon inspired me to think.

the same reason that brad pitt left chaotic and entitled gwyneth paltrow for 1970s-chilled out-weed-smoking jennifer aniston is the same reason gay people turn to their exact opposites, bc he found the 20% that he wasn't getting in jennifer. and then he cheated on jennifer with angelina where he wanted kids (what ang also REALLY wanted: see 7 kids) and now hes broken off with her.

and this theory is kind of rusty - i guess you could tell bc it doesn't make a lot of sense but the point is: that people are more likely to be gay if and when they do not accept the nuance of their gender identity which comes with both masculine/feminine traits.

this is theorised bc of many lesbian women claiming to be gay bc men are disappointing -- and yet somehow they always end up with a butch or masculine woman - so removing the genitalia doesn't remove the energy. that means you're more likely to run into the same problems you would run into with a man, with your woman.

bc just bc someone does not have a penis (ie. Young MA) doesn't mean they're not gonna cheat or not gonna lie,  or do the same things that guys usually do that would ever push a woman to reconsider her sexuality.

bc recently im struggling with it too -- but bc i already had this theory in mind and we were learning about androgynous personality -- which i feel like i fit into? and then i thought about how hot lesbians are and also how im personally struggling to accept my maciavellian nature and how to make it look feminine. i want to come up with theories about love and relationships never heard of before -- or to refine the ones we already have and put it into perspective.

i thought about this and realised that my dad is a good mix of masculine and feminine. he is masculine bc he still provides for us, he doesn't look helpless even if we're in a helpless state like atm, he doesn't let us feel the brunt of poverty and he is feminine enough to be empathetic enough to know why i overreact, he knows i just care too much which is also why i pick fights with my siblings bs they just dont and other things.

we sanction tomboys and sensitive and call them masculine and feminine, respectively. what is this supposed to mean, however?

does it mean they have little to no feminine/masculine qualities that represent their genitalia?

i remember in year 9, i was my purest form. not my cleanest. not my most moral. my purest, flaws and all.

and that was also when i was masculine or actively noticing that i was, i had always been a loud attention-seeking child, but now my aggression was the way i sought attention, and it was and is quite unintentional.

but everyone made it seem like a bad thing; which i guess to some extent it was, but i have never felt so raw and so powerful in my life and i have been wishing to go back to that state ever since, but this time, it is a conscious struggle and not smth i just 'stumble across'. i want to mould myself, i dont want to 'just be'.

i am not God to 'just be'. i am human and thus i must design myself