life updates for anyone who cares

i finally saw my inner child

so my husband and i are trying to start this business and everyone keeps telling us not to let it come between us and i 100% agree... bc it has.

it has come between us. its all we talk about, its like theres nothing esle to talk about.

that is a good and a bad thing bc it shows that we are moving out of a stage in our lives that was basically adolescence. but my husband has been extra distant and just rigid and harsh with me compared to being sweet and talking to me in a baby voice, to the point where i started losing interest in sex (even now, i dont really wanna have sex) and i cant tell if its bc of the pressure of the business or bc of his changing attitude but i would attribute it to both.

i couldnt sleep last night bc i had all this hate against him that i couldnt really explain, except when i talked to him. i did feel better, but he kept saying things to the effect of "this is just how im going to be from now on" which made me very sad. he was being unsually cold and distant with me, which my body naturally sensed and reacted to; i didnt even consciously acknowledge my different attitude. but the fact that i wanna have lesser sex, is very indicative of where things are rn.

maybe nobody else thinks its deep, but i do.

anyways, i realised while i was crying from the depths of my soul that his distant attitude really hurt me. i SAW my inner child inside me, crying. and just being distant in return, but really she wanted to be hugged so tightly and told that everything is going to be alright. thats what i saw. and i remembered the times that my dad was distant with me or he snapped at me and then i saw another part of my inner child; the people-pleaser who just wanted to be in everyone's good books. and then i saw another part of me showing; the bold part of me that i shut down consciously bc i naturally gain so much attention without trying. which is why i completely just flipped and stay in my room all day bc i feel safer in that. and i also realised that this whole business really brought out this bold side of me; and its so scared to come out bc this bold side has lost so many friends and people around her bc she was being herself. this bold side has lost so many allies bc she is very assertive and knows what she wants and is not afraid to be herself. this bold ava is so confident in herself and has such high self-esteem that she had to dull it down so others wouldnt be "jealous" of her or give her bad omen.

but seeing my inner child PHYSICALLY crying in my head, with knees to her chest, the times that my siblings said they wanted to have an older brother and i felt like an absolute failure that i wanted to k*ll myself, like acc, no exaggeration. working overtime to see OTHER people happy: my mum, my dad, my MIL, my DIL, my husband, my sister, my brothers. anyone BUT me. and then i thought to myself... why am i expecting smth OUTSIDE of myself to "fix" anything? why would i depend on a limited supply of love when i can quite literally give it to myself, and that in abundance? and why would i ruin my whole week just bc my husband wants to be rigid with me?

now, im not gonna pretend like other people's behaviour doesnt/shouldnt affect me, bc i'd be str8 up lying but that doesnt mean i should be at the mercy of their approval and ignore my own needs. 

and try my best to "fix" it. i felt a lot better after seeing my inner child, bc honestly this is the first time in my life that ive ever seen her. even though the things i saw, is stuff that i need to work on, im so glad i got to see myself in such vulnerability that i felt like i was a child again bc honestly, im not a big fan of children, but i would never ever tell them to think negatively about themselves, and go around being a people-pleaser even if it is against themselves or not be bold and take risks. i would NEVER say that to a child. so why did i say it to little ava?

what made me think it was okay to shut her up for others' comfort? maybe it sounds typical "oh people-pleaser, dulling your own light for other people blah blah" but honestly? idc if it does, bc that is EXACTLY what has happened. and yes that bold side is a 100% my shadow side... and i started to hide it once i read about red pill an was absolutely abhorred, but i was trying to be the cute, shy girl. instead of the sexy, sultry, seductress that i was all throughout school.