life updates for anyone who cares

revisiting the past

sooooooo i "stumbled" across my husband's old facebook chats of where he talked about getting pizza = getting high, and other things like locations to get high (often times, the places he still loves and has taken me to like brighton and la perouse) and i had a feeling he was attached to such places for this reason, but it all makes sense now.

idk why but reading the chats, and how on his first high he started calling one of his weird friends "dreamleader' and i remember hearing smth like that on one of his snapchats... where they were making fun of him i guess.

but literally all this does to me is make me mad, and yet i continue to do it. so i thought to myself, my husband has already admitted all of this to me, why do i insist on going back to his old chats and revisiting them? 

clearly, it shaytaan playing tricks on me, and it makes me feel far from him. bc it was the lowest point of his life, and i try my best not to judge, but hes still fb friends with these people and its just not right.

hes admit that hes had LSD twice or thrice, cocaine a couple of times maybe 5/6 times and weed is what he became addicted to.

one of his chats, he asked his friend if he was "at the trap" and then i had to search what that meant, and in another, he was talking about "purple haze" while he was on umrah and wishing that he could have it.

idk im just so baffled and annoyed by reading it, and ik i did it to myself so what exactly did i expect? 

and again i read more chats, of him talking to someone random on the train asking about "tabs" - searched it up, it was LSD.

ahhh, urban dictionary is a girl's best friend

anyways, i had to write this somewhere, so im writing it here. bc i dont want to vent all this out at him, its not fair bc i was aware of all this.

but i guess its still different to see it so glorified on his chats, but it is what it is.