life updates for anyone who cares

cap'n 'save a hoe' to the rescue

sooooooo, this is what i realised in the past week

and this 'insight' was given to me when one of these fangirls that i met thru fangirling over harris j (when he was still muslim) told me that she felt nice talking to me bc 'you're like a diary, but one that replies back and it feels good', basically... "im getting therapist advice for free'

and i realised i have a 'save a hoe' complex as shallon lester (my internet mom) puts it and .. thats why i want to become a psychologist.

but do i want this complex to make it into my personal life?

where everyone leeches off of me?

where im no one's friend and everyone's therapist?

and how do i switch this dynamic?

and this brought me back to one of my earliest memories back in year 9... towards the end of my friendship with my (admittedly best friend but i never made it official so it didnt hurt like a b****... but it still hurt) who told me "youre there for everyone but im sorry im not there for you"

and my mum, when she was leaving for perth, said "youre there for everyone, but whos gonna be there for you."

at first... its nice to receive recognition for being the sacrificial lamb you didnt even realise you were being but then ... anger and resentment kicks in. bc its like wow. im there for all these people... and they LITERALLY admit they are never there for me and that somehow thats okay. (not my mum or my dad ofc ... bc they acc do care about me)

i was listening to one of shallon's videos about khloe kardashian and her going back to tristain where she said her friend kind of just gave up trying to advice her... and kind of just went along with whatever khloe wanted.. and sometimes thats the best thing to do. and in it she mentioned her own complex which was captain 'save a hoe' and that she had to start monetising or atleast budget her 'emotional currency'.. and when i tell you ive never met a smarter woman - may Allah guide her to Islam.

but its so important. and honestly i needed to hear it.

i needed to hear that my often unsolicited advice falls on deaf ears bc it not valued. and no matter how much i wanna scream and slap the person -  it doesnt make a difference bc if its not on their own freewill then bam now im a mother and theyre my child. and thats not the power dynamic im tryna create more of.

i already have problems being the third parent  of my siblings - catching them asking for girls' nudes (hARAM), watching porn (also haram), cum on my cat (Very VERY HARAM), hearing your sister masturbate and moan so loudly in the next room and pray fajr the next morning without ghusl (also haram)

and you know going thru that shit, being the eldest and not even being able to tell someone what you experiences gives you PTSD.

and who do i even tell these things? voicing them out loud is weird ah. typing them is still weird.

but anyhow...so mine and shallon's new years resolution is looking like the same: DONT TAKE THE BAIT. just dont. most times people are venting - theyre not asking for advice, so im not giving it to them. simple as.

like one of my friends literally comes for advice so i help her out. but most people are NOT. they just arent.

and how shallon put it is exactly what my new years resolution is, verbatim: 'say your piece, say it once and then forget it' - meaning DONT mention it again, bc they are likely to bring it up again since they trust you so much but dont take the bait.

and the video ive attached helped me understand how i mightve worsened my sister's obsession with her situationship that happened literally a year ago. she just wont let go. she thinks shes in love with that guy. like actually. when really shes suffering from scarcity mindset bc everytime i mention how hes not the last guy in the  world she goes "how many guys can you name me that are as good and educated and kind and within a 20 mile radius?"