life updates for anyone who cares

JUST passed my units...

but honestly? im still proud of myself. only i know how much ive been thru these past few months. from low self esteem, to low confidence, to just being hysterical and all over the place. and also ramadan. ramadan and my exams and assignments. also the fact that i FAILED a 40% assignment and STILL managed to get a 63 on that unit is AMAZING to me. honestly allahuma barek. 

so yeah, im not gonna beat myself up over this. could i have done better? ofc. but i also could have done worse. and in my circumstance, honestly im okay with a pass, obvs i dont prefer it. but things have changed for me, majorly. internal changes, body changes, hormonal changes, learning who i am, what my body likes, when my body likes it. i have changed heaps in these past few months. and i would say even regressed in some aspects but i am picking myself up. firstly, by writing this entry but also bc ik im not a loser and Allah has blessed me with capability.

and to quote what i read today from the laws of human nature, pg 205, "why do you refer to yourself as worthless and insignificant? do you know where you should be aware of your worthlessness? in front of God, but not infront of people. among people, you should be aware of your worth"

and instead of feeling threatened or intimidated by my sisters or brothers' focus ons tudies, school and general career, i should feel inspired.

i have dumbed myself down to be just some service-person for my husband and his family but truth is, i have value above and beyond what i do for people.

and that i smth i need to recognise in myself.

the thing is, i really dont like what im doing to myself. in my husband's words i am "oppressing myself" 100% and Allah will ask me about the gifts and capabilities He has given me and what i did with them. i better have an answer and a portfolio ready