life updates for anyone who cares

attachment is suffering

well, you heard it here first: the monks knew what they were talking about. maybe it seems extreme to everybody to me, but to me i feel like they could have taken it further with the way they detached themselves from society and attachments of the world.

im ready for my bed to be on the ground and eating and drinking only as much as i need. all this extravagance will never please me, even if it makes me a little more comfortable which i do want.

im thinking of seriously going monk-mode on all my social media accounts: reddit, tiktok and insta. its seriously a waste of my time and i felt myself dreading opening these apps today and yesterday. and thats how i want to keep feeling bc i dont want t be attached.

anyways, the book psychocybernetics has told me to fig deep into my unconscious belief instead of thinking im just ruled by them. and it says that you have to make your rational belief so strong that it starts to dictate to your unconscious (curse freud for making us feel so helpless by telling us that the  unconscious was everything - possibly why he went crazy)

the author said that i need to "get mad" at myself and my false beliefs and i agree. everything in the past year ive improved thru my own anger at myself and i think this is a good energy to use to improve and change my self-belief almost instantly. the unconscious is not going to get away easy anymore.

"Remember that both behavior and feeling spring from belief. To root out the belief which is responsible for your feeling and behavior—ask yourself, "why?" Is there some task which you would like to do, some channel in which you would like to express yourself, but you hang back feeling that "I can't"?

Ask yourself "WHY?" "Why do I believe that I can't?" Then ask yourself—"Is this belief based upon an actual fact-—or upon an assumption—or a false conclusion?" Then ask yourself the questions:

1. Is there any rational reason for such a belief?

2. Could it be that I am mistaken in this belief?

3. Would I come to the same conclusion about some other person in a similar situation?

4. Why should I continue to act and feel as if this were true if there is no good reason to believe it?"

okay so first stop, job.

WHY DO I BELIEVE I CAN'T GET A JOB? (bc this is the only plausible reason i still havent gotten one after three years of searching)

1. perhaps i believe that i "dont want to work for anyone" and i dont "want to get stuck in the rat race"  so i avoid even believing i can get a job but still actively look for one and try to get experience for it too, so i can prove to my ego that im "trying" but just not achieving.

2. I'm definitely mistaken in this belief... lets break it down. there is nothing wrong with working for anyone, as long as you are not being exploited and you are assertive in your ability to stand for yourself, and those who work under others can be the only ones who know how to behave as a superior bc they know what works for employees and what doesnt. getting stuck in the rat race is  only for lazy people, and i for one, am not lazy, im an ambitious person who will be doing a job as a means to an end (i.e pay bills) and NOT a lifelong choke-hold on my freedom, and im not interested in working long hours etc either, and i will invest my money so that im not depending on "9-5".

3. yes, i would probably give people the same reasons for why they think they cant get a job bc everybody else is getting jobs and im not... psht. theres smth that im not doing right.

4. bc, admittedly, i am quite lazy and hate driving to work or anywhere really. which is why freelance and online marketing looked so appealing bc i dont have to move from my house and at the same time ill be earning money. i think my hate for driving really is driving this adverse reaction to a "job".