life updates for anyone who cares

idk about this rishta...

so this rishta might be attractive etc but the fact that he cant stay still in one job is very annoying to me bc hes admitted that he might change his career paths in the future and that screams instability to me.

bc my dad is the same and we have continued to struggle financially bc my dad couldnt stick to one thing, bc he is so impulsive and i feel that he doesnt spend enough time weighing the pros and cons. and i dont want my kids to struggle, i dont want to glorify that struggle life,

i hate financial struggles.

most of the reason i even do tiktok is so i can get deals and make some MONEY so that i can move my family out of debt and out of thi miserable life of living paycheck to paycheck

the rishta said that he didnt really want a ~luxury~ life ... bc he 'wasnt raised like that'... but its like? whats wrong with that?

whats wrong with being comfortable? whats wrong with liking money? whats wrong with having extra money to travel or buy new clothes or look good or live in a house?

this is why i want to earn on my own but then i dont want my husband to depend on me like idk im just very confused.

plus my group for univative is NOT cooperating in the slightest except for this guy named matthew who is a very interesting guy to talk to haha.

but ye i feel like its univative's pressure and i also realised today that i have 280 VIDEOS but only 3794 followers on tiktok and other people have much lesser videos and WAY more followers i just want the earth to swallow me whole bc i feel so desparate??

like im literally out here looking for ways to work with the fkn algorithm and watching youtube videos telling me to duet and post 3-15 times (literally why) and people are out here doing it effortlessly

im so fkn tired of being so fkn conscious of everything. im tired of loa. im tired of trusting and nothing happening. im tired of believing. i was so hurt when i rallised how many fkn videos i made vs my clout... it made me so mad and sad like wtf am i doing wrong

like literally every fkn platform i enter is not for me? nah ik thats not it .

its me. im doing smth wrong and its making me so madd that im literally crying from anger and stabbing the keyboard bc im so fkn tired. why cant things just happen

im literally SO FKN MAD RN I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT ELSE TO FKN SAY OMGGGGG

ON top of that, i dont feel like my exotic and seductive self and it pissed me off again today.

I KNOW im a FKN MASCULINE DANDY AND THE COQUETTE

AND I DID THAT SHIT UNCONSCIOUSLY WHICH IS EVEN BETTER

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE IS PERFECT FOR SEDUCTION BUT NOT FOR LOVE

I MISSED WHEN I PUT MYSELF FIRST AND WHENEVER I DO I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

SO THIS IS ME TAKING CARE OF MYSELF AND COMING BACK TO MY SHADOW SELF BC IM FKN SICK AND TIRED OF NOT GETTING MY FLOWERSS BUT MAYBE I NEED TO CHANGE MY INTENTION. WHATEVER IDC ABOUT THAT RN.