life updates for anyone who cares

aunty passed away + trip to perth

so my choti phuppo passed away on the 2nd of september 2022. it hasnt hit me yet, bc me and my sister left for perth the same night, its now the 8th... my mamoo hasnt accepted it, hes emotionally tired and burnt out 

but theres heaps of things im realising on this trip or eg. how all of my mamoos have never bothered to create a relationship with me or my siblings.. except for oen of my mamoos (ejaz) but the rest are as good as gone to me. esp this mamoo, but im empathetic to him, as he did lose his wife of 37 years and my cousins are so changed.

my cousins esp, the younger one, a**ba baji is going thru it a lot as she was the main caretaker of her mum with cancer and so was mamoo,  so they're feeling it more than a**a baji who is going thru her own personal struggles with her in-laws. her MIL is here and creating trouble but her husband has no boundaries with his mum which is why its causing problems. 

she has said that shes ready to leave him but only stayed bc of phoppo's advice, and now that shes not here to give her that support, she feels alone and like there is no reason to even try, however, i told her that rn shes experiencing post-partum depression + her mum died and that she should think about this rationally, and give herself time to think about it + make tahajjud that he fixes up.

on top of that, a**ba baji feels like shes too young to lose her mum (shes 25) and tbh i dont think there is ever a time you feel 'ready' for your mum to be taken away, thats what i told her, even if you lost your mum at 40 etc, you would still feel like its too young etc. obviously, its not that comforting, but i also told her how inherently selfish we all are that even somebody's death, we're thinking about how they benefitted us.. for eg. "she was so nice to me" etc.

and a**ba baji's biggest struggle was that her whole routine revolved around phuppo, meaning that phuppo became part of a routine.. which as we know, is not real attachment, it is simply routine.. the same thing that fboys rely on when they msg you gm beautiful every morning.

thats not to say she doesnt feel the loss or anything, simply bc of that, but its interesting how hollow she feels... and shes not able to give a reason except for "routine" but tbh even if your mum is not part of your routine, you would feel like you lost a part of yourself, bc well, you did.

grief is a very interesting thing but the problem with grief and death of a loved one is that you have to go thru it to understand. all these realisations ive made here are intellectual, not really emotional just yet. i fear going back to sydney bc it will hit me like a truck. it feels empty and lively at the same time here. probably bc theres a new baby, and theres another baby about to be born. and theres been a death at the same time, and all of this is so confusing.

plus me and my sister are here, so us being close-ass cousins, we're enjoying ourselves and forgetting the reason we're here, but ik my cousins need us here bc we extended our flight by 4 more days so that they would feel comfortable. but i think they are also uncomfortable with us leaving, bc that means truly feeling the grief alone, rn we are a bedrock for them, and they for us. but once we go back to our lives and they have to face this on their own? its going to be a tough thing to face 

we're weirdly enjoying ourselves, we're going to make nachos tonight iA and watch a movie, since its the weeknight and not a weekday bc we were so amped with people coming in and out everyday for the first two days that it was weird and annoying to see so many people.

but grief is a strange thing. and i want to understand it emotionally now, bc i dont want it to be taught to me by Allah so that i "get it" etc. but no one can avoid death, unfortunately. 

i feel a weird anxiety going back home and im quite dreading it... plus i got stupid assignments to do which makes this whole process feel even weirder. ive applied for special con and everything but its just a weird thing and im quite disappointed in the 'system'.. bc even if you have a legit reason for struggling to meet deadlines (aka death in the family), you have to still do your assignments? like wth is this sh*t?

life is more than assignments, and marriage and kids. i think what i realised during this trip is that i need to not take things too seriously, bc at the end of the day it is stress that kills more than anything. bc stress = inflammation

and rn im feeding everybody fenugreek + black seed +white willow bark and fennel seeds for their hormones esp a**a baji's bc she just gave birth and shes having post-partum and she feels much better. but im worried for her after we leave, bc she doesnt take care of herself.

but i think this will bring us all closer together iA, mamoo is acting strange, not really saying much about phuppo probably bc of fear of crying and letting it out.

a**a baji discussed remarriage with him and he was str8 up and said its too soon, and he worried that if  he gets married, hes not gonna meet her in jannah :(((( 

that struck a chord in me, truly, hes up all night and morning reading quran and in the daytime he sleeps, hes hardly eating anything, his attitude is the same with the screaming and the weirdly confrontational tone + sarcasm he always has