life updates for anyone who cares

husband

idk how i feel around my husband sometimes, i dont want to have resentment against him but sometimes i cant help it and i feel it arising inside me where im just upset with him.

hes made me cry several times too so that doesnt help and i get scared to give my heart to him bc idk if he will take care of it or not. i do trust him mostly and alhamdulilah that trust grows continually but when he hurts me or makes me cry... it becomes difficult to like him and so when he asks me "do you love me?" during these moments... i cant get myself to say yes.

at the same time, when i go to lifeline for my shifts, i feel strange to be away from him for so long and he mentioned that he didnt like how i made him feel in terms of him missing me so intensely during the day and i smiled bc i feel the same. may Allah preserve this always.

but idk,, whenever he mentions "im gonna get a second wife" either as a low-blow, a joke or even sometimes seriously when he says  he wants 7 kids (honestly, get real) it used to hurt. but now that i realise its emotional blackmail... i dont respect  him for it and tell him to "go get one then" bc honestly thats so cheap. but anyways... im not popping out 7 kids. im not putting my kids into neglect.  5 MAX... take it or leave it.

hes also said that he feels like im like Khadijah (RA) was for the Prophet (SAW) and thats so sweet. sometimes hes so sweet.. im afraid its his love bombing and honestly he is a love bomber.. but i'd be lying if  i said he hadn't proved it at times.

sometimes he says some outlandish stuff that makes me resent him. only Allah can make me forgive him... bc boy i aint built  for this

like he keeps mentioning the second wife stuff and i started to feel very upset by it. not only that... but the fact that he wanted to talk to this other girl for rishta in melbourne whilst he was talking to me??? so i just felt like damn, this guy doesnt deserve good things in life,

how the fudge are you doing that to someone???? yes, a talking stage is not really a relationship... but this is not the western world where you can shop/date around for "marriage potentials" like are you frkn kidding me? so childish.

that made me mad honestly and i cant get over it bc its so outlandish and silly and immature.

anyways when he mentioned the second wife stuff bc i said im not having 7 kids.... i started to want to cry but i didnt

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UPDATE: i did end up telling him that im so tired of people and how insatiable they are and how they always want something else and nothing is ever enough and how im so tired of that reality. and he asked me if i was talking about the second wife thing and obviously my stupid tears just couldnt wait to come out and so he figured it out. and then i told him how hard it is going to be even raising even one child and how he could he even ask me a stupid question like "can you imagine me kissing and hugging someone else?" like wth bro. imagine i asked him "can you imagine me kissing some other guy?" how the hell would he feel???

just bc smth is halal doesnt mean you talk about it immaturely and mention it like its nothing. and then i told him that "why do you care only about this sunnah when you dont even pray your sunnah prayers?" and then he admitted that he was trying to get a reaction out of me and gets frustrated when i dont react with jealousy (win, win ava) and that he was trying to gaslight me into agreeing to having 7 kids.

which is very unrealistic and unfathomable.

anyways.... the days are blending into one another. anyways we were playing mafia one day, just all of us together except my MIL and FIL and then i guess i talked to my husband in a way which was demeaning (honestly, it probably seeped thru bc of my training as an elder sister) and then he gave me a long and frustrated lecture at pasta la vista and basically explained that i cant speak to him like hes my siblings which is true and a  rookie mistake. but then when i asked what he was talking about, he said it wasnt something that i said specifically but the vibe was put-dowinsh and  basically treating him like i was better than him. and i believed him bc ik i can get like that sometimes.

i asked him still, again, "what was it that i said... was it to you or someone else?"

he said "it was me, if it was someone else, i wouldve whacked you"

and thats when i felt highly unsafe and out of place and started crying. especially after i had that dream of him being involved in something DV-related. and i still cant stop thinking about it. even though hes apologised it comes back to me sometimes.

its just so toxic like idek how to explain it. idc how youre feeling, you dont say stuff like that. i was already so exhausted bc i knew i had to go to my parents' house for a dawaat so i honestly didnt wanna go bc my in-laws were coming too and i knew i had to be on my best behaviour. so when he  said that, my heart dropped.

wearing the hijab 24/7 has been pissing me off also and i didnt realise how annoying it would be... but the more i have to wear it... the more i want this granny flat to be done asap.

and then hes always around me and i feel suffocated and he love-bombs me too so idk how to feel. he tells me to say ily to him even if  im crying or upset or whatever but why would i when i dont want to?

its not that i dont think i love him but i dont want to be pushed to say things. its not  cute its just weird.

he wants a codependent relationship and gets upset when i dont feel the same thing he does. for eg. whenever this aashiq or 'aayn makes him have doubts either about himself or the relationship and he feels a certain way... he gets mad when i dont. but its like??? we're not connected to the joints or anything so why should i force myself to feel smth when i dont? if someone else is feeling bad... why would i stump myself too?

first of all, its not logical and secondly its not good to encourage that codependency. when i realised that he tries to control how i feel. i decided to feel better on purpose. think about happy things, think about good things.

theres so many  things going on all at once and i havet gotten a chance to sit down and write any of it bc my grad dip has started but i havent. and bc he doesnt have any hobbies or anything to do, he  doesnt let me do what i want, when i want. everything has to be on his schedule like wth????? thats not how it works. he has  this bad habit or saying things that he knows he wont or just would be lazy to do  for eg. all week he'll tell me " we have to go to this place etc" and then when the day arrives, he'll eat like a fatty and then say "nah we're not going" and unless i protest, we probably wont.

its just such an annoying  thing he does but i think honestly the most annoying thing is that he doesnt have anything else  to do (honestly  he does, hes just lazy and wants me to be lazy with him) but ive got things to do bro.  uni is starting very VERY soon and i dont need him to throwing my plan out the window bc he doesnt have anything else to do.

honestly tho, married life is just different. its so strange. i really do like my MIL, as she doesnt put unnecessary pressure on me to do anything or be anything but my SIL.. idk why she expects me to be superwoman even tho at my age  she was always out with her friends or at her job. so for her to expect things from me already like cooking big meals and doing all these things that now SHES doing bc shes been married for 3 years and  has  a kid and i dont... its not a fair expectation at all. she  suffers from high-functioning anxiety which is not healthy.. and i dont want to put things on my plate rn that will be too difficult to handle. she wants me to want to do ALLLLLL these things that i simply cant rn.. bc i JUST got married. its only been a month a 5 days and these bloody babies in the house are annoying me too. its just everything is so frustrating.

i put pressure on myself to always try to be in a mahfil (gathering) but im finding its too hard.

if i laugh a bit too much at my BIL's jokes, oops my husband's angry or jealous.

if im a little but sarcastic with my husband, oops i got attitude that needs fixing

its like i dont even want to talk anymore when im with everyone. its so exhausting.  and im tired of it