life updates for anyone who cares

what is my inner child?

I was thinking about this since yesterday and today the whole day i pretty much spent thinking about this, and i miss this part of myself when i used to frequently self-reflect and be in this journey of self-development. well, it looks like im back and im really loving it. but this time i think i will have a lot more balance bc ik that i still have to do mundane tasks of the day as a wifey etc. currently im listening to thewizaardliz on youtube and i feel like she is me in year 9/10.

but i want to start slowly, things that i noticed the past few days:

friends: i believe that anybody i like (esp girls) doesnt like me back even tho i have no proof of this and i just think they dont like me bc theyre quiet or whatever. im not sure why i believe this but i think it might have a lot to do with whatever happened with J.F. and in High school. and ik i shouldnt be barking up the same tree, but if i dont solve this, i will never be able to create my own tribe. for eg. i hate A.I and M.G and i want to eliminate them, bc i do not consider them as friends .. obvs we are family-friends, but we aint friends and thats that.

i tend to overshare as well, and im not sure why either. maybe i believe that nobody will like me if im quiet or dont say anything, and the only way to make them like me is to be entertaining aka a clown -- and im not trying to be a clown. idk why i believe people wont like me back bc i like them, its not like i think like this in my love life .. i believe im a very lovable person bc i have many qualities and beauty and heart and soul Alhamdulilah. but idk i get so insecure when it comes to friends - possibly bc i want to apepar interesting and be less interested in others, which is incorrect. im starting to realise i like it better when nobody knows anything about me, bc if we somehow stop talking, im not fretting. and after watching thewizardliz's video about "why everyone is obsessed with me" i realised we are the same. except i talk too much and im too open. there is nothing wrong with being open, except i feel uncomfortable when i am, bc i feel like im trying to cover up a mental scar or smth and it doesnt feel wholly natural to me anymore. it used to, but now its just blabber. so im trying to focus on focusing on others and not me, that way, we can talk more about what they like etc and i can relate to them as much as is possible without blabbering.

one thing im recognising is that i can have it all in this world and the next, if I follow Allah's commandments. i can have a blissful love life, a beautiful home that i get to design, an organised bathroom/kitchen and home, a beautiful guest room where i buy my guests all these products so they feel pampered. i can be beautiful and righteous, i can be rich and abundant and have many kids who are righteous also. everything can be perfect and at the same time - there will be trials as we know, bc this dunya is a test and that is promised. but i can have everything in this world, as much as i would like ALHAMDULILAH because this dunya can be a detached paradise if we want it to be, if we will it to be and if we stay happy regardless of circumstances. this is not to say that there wont be hardship or difficulties in the way... but i can have whatever i want and however much i want it if i just make dua for it and hope in Allah to give it to me.

success: i was driving to my naturopath today and i was thinking about how im going to be the next hot and wanted psychologist but for celebrities and i can charge $1000 and still wotn go out of business. i feel like, the type of person that i am, the weirdo that i truly am on the inside can only be expressed once i have my own business. for eg. what im doing currently with my food&health blog and what i wanna do later after i do my honours with my psychology degree. my biggest want in life is to be a celebrity psychologist, going on talkshows and the like, having my own podcast and/or youtube depending on which one i feel safest. probably just podcast for now. but ye, i just feel it was important to write that down here.