life updates for anyone who cares

been a while...

so its been a week and a half or so since i last wrote an entry... and i honestly am getting on top of my nutrition baby-wise. im following the Weston A Price diet: drinking raw milk, trying to eat beef liver again, cod liver oil, butter, eggs and BROTH has been lifechanging.

broth just helps with the never-ending constipation so i kind of didnt keep drinking the HIGH fructose corn syrup-filled aloe vera drink and honestly it didnt really help either. im taking elevit and added iodine too bc apparently cystic ovaries can be related to idoine deficiency etc. and also i need iodine to grow my baby in a healthy way.

im currently in the backyard rn... sitting where the table is at and relaxing my feet on another chair while siad is licking himself clean. its a very nice day out and the sun is nice and warm after a whole three seasons of just rain. alhamdulilah, life is good.

yesterday, i went to my parents place and me and my husband and going to go again today iA but i just felt so uneasy when i was driving back home last night. i talked to my brother about why he loves to act so mysterious and its such a pet peeve about him and like he shouldnt expect me or anyone else to tell him anything if he wants to be like this. and he didnt agree but i knew he knew i was right in whatever i was saying. moreover, he found somebody on instagram (which always knew he would) and then i just didnt really react when he told me; instead i got irritated.

bc he likes to act like hes "better than that" like better than finding someone on insta, basically hes judging himself. but its like ?? if you believe there nothing wrong with instagram and finding someone on there why would you get offended in the first place? unless you knew what it meant (basically the girl is cute but idk about her character or personality, and she wears her hijab incorrectly so that kind of getting to me) but i didnt really tell him what i thought about her bc honestly we dont know. but what pissed me off is that, in the past everytime i said "youre gonna find someone on insta" he would get offended and act like he would someone in the trad way which everyone knows it wasnt gonna happen, like get real. and now.. guess who it is? an insta girl.

and theres nothing wrong with finding someone on insta but to me its like why is that the app you chose? like its just weird to me that you can simply just DM someone, and then get married to them and then its like ok who else have you DM'd? it cant just be me. so that would always play in my head, personally. but its cool if it doesnt happen to anyone else. i guess, good for you.

but tbh, my brother is immature whether he likes it or not, like you cant grow beyond your capacity, esp mental capacity. and anyways the convo i had last night was just being frustrating that he thinks hes sooo much better than he really is. and then i told him about how his company is really bad and he just goes "i can be a bad friend too, regards to trust" so i guess he found his tribe. but then i said im not talking about trust, im talking about company, and then i said imagine the girl you wanna marry (Z) is like how you are but in the girl version, would you wanna marry her?

Silence. 

anyways, useless conversation but im glad i got it out my system atleast alhamdulilah.

and then my sister just told me that shes 'afraid' that mama and baba wont agree to her moving overseas, but honestly? i dont think they would care. and i told her that and then shes like "rEaLLy I tHoUgHt yOu WoUld tHInK dIfFeReEnTly" and i was just like bro... you havent even tried me.

like stop making scenarios in your head, responding to them in me voice and then ASSUMING i'd have a problem with it. but ofc she hit me with the "yOuVe ChAnGeD AfTEr mArrIAge" and honestly maybe i have but i still dont appreciate random scenarios and reactions i havent had made up about me, so she can feel safe NOT communicating. like just stop and get over yourself. and then i told her that why are you tryna live life on easy mode? like you cant even fight for what you believe in, in a respectful way? bc she was worried about baba not 'letting her' but honestly like when have you acc cared about what other people think? youre just scared youre gonna make a bad decision, and youre not gonna have anyone to blame... so you say to yourself 'its acc bc of baba i cant marry someone outside of australia" so that you dont take responsibility for your bad decisions. 

 so it told my sister that she needs to stop making up scenarios to run away from communication, and that my brother needs to stop acting like hes sooo interesting and ~mysterious~ bc honestly its getting cringey. if youre not acc mysterious, stop pretending to be. 

anyway and then after i talked to my brother, i went upstairs to my sister and found her crying... and then i asked her why she was crying she said its bc shes so scared of communication. and i asked her what about communication is scary and she just says 'everything' our convo ended very short bc we had to go downstairs for dinner.. but iA today i wannna complete it or atleast resolve smth.

and then the convo that was honestly the most frustrating was the one with my dad. like idk why but mama asked a random question about like not knowing how to talk to anyone, bc everyone takes it to heart. but i feel like if we didnt, then she would think we didnt take her seriously, which is worse honestly. but i got her point, and then someone brought up sensitivity, and then i said that i think baba is very sensitive. and then baba minded it i guess, but then i posed it as a question like "baba, do you think youre sensitive?" and he says that yes he is bc he worries about petty things and lets them bother him unlike mama, which is true. 

and then he says that growing up, it was a crime to be the youngest, bc you didnt have a say in anything, so you just kept waiting to get older, and then when we got older, our kids started to talk to us in a confronting way and being straightforward. and he admitted that it was a cultural difference and then i politely said that we can be very formal if you'd like that, you guys can be the elders and we wont tell you things, and we can be the youngers figuring things out as they happen, and then he said that thats not what he wants - but honestly i think it is. 

but then he said that 'im sure you guys dont talk to your superiors or bosses the way you talk to your peers' and i told him, well, the culture is pretty frank with everyone. i genuinely feel like i just tone down the frankness a little bit around my 'Superiors', but its not at all formal. 

and then baba said that like in the culture back in pakistan not EVERYTHING was bad for eg. revealing pregnancies isnt a thing. and basically he was referring to how me and my husband revealed our pregnancy last week and baba didnt even react and was awkward about it the whole time.

like i dont understand, do you want to part of the loop or not? i just dont understand why he wants us to be so formal... imagine i didnt tell them, then he wouldve been mad we didnt tell him. like idk its just very annoying and honestly i really regret telling them after he said that, im just gonna tell them normally next time bc its not worth the dinner table embarrassment, like im haya-less or pregnancy in a marriage is smth to be ashamed of.

okay then dont be mad if i dont tell you and you "find out" with my growing belly. like i dont understand what he wants from me. if he wants a formal relo, thats not hard at all. its like everything and anything can potentially offend him, and i dont want those stakes.

idk im gonna ask mama what baba wants bc seriously i dont understand it.