life updates for anyone who cares

thinking about separation + MIL is being an a-hole

basically what the title says. idk if its the placebo effect and the fact that we are looking for apartments but i find her very insufferable lately, and its better if we dont even interact if it just makes me wanna punch her in the face.

basically sometime last week we were discussing how my husband and i arent doing well financially like at all, and after coming back from perth, i didnt enjoy being thrust back into my problems. i can only be grateful that im worried about a thing and not a person dying but im not at that stage of my life yet where i can deal with somebody dying, so ill leave the comparison to the haters.

anyways when she noticed i was upset, she knew it was bc of our financial situation and honestly i dont discuss it much here but its quite bad... idk exactly how to keep an abundance mindset which is why i may have to order some more books to think about it.. but i constantly have to hide this part of myself from my husband's extremist views - so i have to do it on my student account bc google syncs everything onto every computer since its connected to the account - so i decided to watch all the ~esoteric~ stuff on my student account which is not always logged in

anywho i told my husband that i was seriously considering separation for the past two weeks bc of the situation we're in and how we are not moving forward with it at all - and i just feel like he cuts himself too much slack, and it doesnt help that his parents are too easy on him defs bc hes the youngest.

his mum even said that they stopped asking him after he got married bc 'the wife will fix it' like WTF you didnt raise someone and you want to hand me YOUR project?

stfu and get out of my face

anyway, it seems so far ago even tho it was only two days ago but i wanna jot it down bc they were important data points.

i mentioned it to my husband how i imagined my life would be without him, and that the only thing i would miss is s*x and that was honestly the truth.. i guess thats quite harsh so i saw tears rimming at his eyelids and he hesitantly asked "do you even really love me?"

i was so livid still and also honestly, i dont know if i love him. ive never felt truly taken are of and that i have a husband - the only thing im 'scared' of is the fact that i cant wear makeup outside bc of his overprotective nature (which i love) but apart from that, im the one funding us basically, and ive lost all attraction also hes not working, and is home all day - basically a bum. whereas im taking care of the house, him and his desires as well as his parents so ofc he "loves" me.

and thats exactly what i said. i said that "you dont acc love me, you love what i do for you. and if i stopped doing what i do, youll see how much you 'love' me" to which he went quiet.. bc he knew i was right and suddenly i didnt feel so guilty for my answer. even God doesnt love us unconditionally, and He didnt make us selfless - theres always a reason for smth.

even babies are born out of boredom, to prove a point (im so traditional blah blah), to give company to lonely parents or to fill a void, make your parents 'grandparents' -- none of this is acc about the child themselves who are literally being forced to live 

so there is literally no such thing as being 'self-less' its all selfish.. and thats not such a bad thing but it does hit like a truck sometimes cant lie. and it hit me a truck when right after i said it, and he realised i was right.

there was another random point in the convo where he said jokingly 'if you leave me and you marry another man, ill beat the hell out of him and youll realise you made a mistake, when im there with a wife thats hotter than you' and that didnt acc cut me as much as i thought it would, so i jokingly replied and said "so youre lying everytime you say im the hottest" and he says "while im with you, youre the hottest and if im with her, ofc shes hot" anyways pretty dumb piece to add there but i feel like its important bc it tells me about his mental state in the conversation

anyways, i remembered earlier on in our marriage when i was broken and insecure as hell and used to talk about having a second wife etc and he entertained the idea etc and once i imagined it in my head, reacted to it in my head and thats why whenever he mentioned it - i got mad like who the hell does he think he is but i didnt beceome insecure. 

this is also how i imagined the separation, i was genuinely fine and happy - kind of like how i am now, which is good considering what would have happened for me to react like that. but Allah says in the Quraan that He has created abundance so why the scarcity mindset?

i said all that to him so he realises im not 'stuck' and i can and will leave him if need be. which is what i said "we dont have kids yet, im still young and its still not too late for me to leave. 2 years is better than 15 or 30" and thats when reality hit him like a truck which it should. hes not taking his responsibilities like a MAN. he lets himself be coddled by his parents and thats disgusting and off-putting and i said all this to him. idek how i said it. one thing i love about our relo is how open i can be, no matter how much the truth hurts- i can say it without judgment (not consequences). there are consequences ofc, for eg. that the next day was hella awkward and distant, but honestly i didnt expect him to be so chummy chummy immediately - that would mean he still thinks he cant lose me, and he can carry on doing whatever he is doing

he mentioned three things when i mentioned that ive been thinking about separation, 

1. forgot the first one

2. "if you want a stable income, 9-5 then i ant give you that and you should leave me"

3. "i really really love you, i adore you"

which are all very true. ik hes gonna blow up iA and i want to be there when that happens. i already see sparks of it randomly i mean hes up there with skills for eg. he can get a $200k if he wanted to.. the problem is he doesnt want to.

but we talked more on the topic today and he says that his digital marketing agency business will be marketed thru facebook ads for now, so he doesnt need to "be there" for it and we need money so iA im believing in Allah's ability to change humans and in my husband as well - to change and i hope to Allah he changes bc ive made so much dua