life updates for anyone who cares

clarity

ughhhh, firstly im so tired of me  and my antics.

I wish i could stop caring about my half-sister but its so hard not to.

idk if this is an eldest sibling thing or what, but i deadass dont want to talk to her about her obsession with the dork a*** but i cant.. it literally irks me SOOOO much that it irks me so much

like seriously? why do i even care? is it bc i find it hard to understand how she could love someone more than me? someone she doesnt even acc know? someone who is an ar@b supremacist??

idk i honestly wish i could stop caring but idk WHY I CANT

stupid eldest sibling feels.

i honestly have improved ALOT. like i dont tell her my personal stuff, i dont 'beg' her to tell me anything anymore. i ask once and if she doesnt tell me, oh well. but thats it. i should probably stop asking too, i hate middle children.. why are they so selfish???

i think its still a control thing for me. i think (maybe?) there might be a very (slight, teeny  tiny) bit of j- j - jealousy?

jealousy of affection. maybe i cant stop caring bc i feel that the love that shes given to that fantasy of hers doesn't come to me? i think that might be it. bc there is no LOGICAL reason i should still be talking to her. no logical reason why i should be asking her if shes okay .. bc honestly she can get stuffed.

maybe i need to FOCUS FOCUS on myself. bc i dont really think my half-sister's ever loved me. i honestly cant trust her after that incident with w**** in february/march. i just dont know who she is anymore. this is why shes so obsessed with twitter, bc she gets validation and twitter proposals from there.

even tho our whole family loves her, her need for affection is insatiable bc shes so insecure. i wish she was more confident in herself. but shes become a narcissist.

i really wish i didnt care and honestly this book is my shadow self coming out.. and this is part of my shadow self. i will not be competing for anybody's love and affection... especially not some guy that shes still pining after.  she can make all the tweets she wants about me.. but im gonna act like i never read them bc i.d.c

i dont. i cant. i dont have the mental capacity. she'll get over it... she always does. she has her internet fantasy friends she'll talk shit about me to using euphemisms like "someone im really close to," or " a family member" or if shes feeling extra nice.. she'll say "my sister"

no matter what happens between us two I DONT tell anyone. i have a feeling shes gonna do the same when her husband comes along, completely burning that amicable relationship before it even forms. she has a manipulative way of turning people on her side bc of her stupid dumb puppy face dog eyes and "innocent" persona.

when shes acc the devil incarnate.

maybe im being an insatiable ball of affection too? im getting love from my parents, God loves me... what more do i need? maybe i need to completely emancipate myself and honestly? from the past 9 months, ive come a LONG way from emotional dependence. now? i dont take her sh*t seriously, now i do what she does, i laugh in her face. i laugh when shes derailed. i just laugh bc i.d.c

also, ive decided that ill tell my husband her dirty laundry too.. just so we're on the same page. or maybe? i just wont care. idk the jury's still out on that one.

but i dont wanna care about her or her dumb life and who she likes/talks to. its literally the most DISGUSTING feeling.. caring about someone.. like eewwww. i literally just want her out of the house like... now. today. at this very moment. im gonna be so happy when she leaves. and maybe my emotional dependence will stop too.

but i should work on that atm,... and not "wait" for her to leave. bc that doesnt count. im still proud of myself. ive stopped doing a lot of crazy sh*t that i used to do to "keep on top of things" bc she hides things for no reason. shes hurt me and ive hurt her. i want to forgive her and i think i have but idk man everything is so confusing rn and its my bedtime too so i might just sleep it off for now.

we'll see how things are tomorrow