life updates for anyone who cares

indecisiveness

ugh, my husband is too indecisive for me to like him. every week it switches and he wants to do smth else, smth different

last week it was SEO, this week its eCommerce.

ofc i wouldnt stop him from gaining new skills but i will stop him from not having an income. like its pathetic at this point to even try, and frankly i dont really give a crap anyway. 

ik i have to rely on myself, bc the way hes acting, i cant depend on him. and plus i got heaps of stuff to worry about anyway, for eg. my own website and brand as well as the research i have to do to do my writings and articles.

that reminds me, i need to finish it today iA and publish it. i have enough information and experience to write it, but ive just been feeling down these days, even tho i love what i do. i feel like anything you do consistently, forms a habit and eventually becomes a little tedious.

im a lover of routine so i can handle it, but still i would love to enjoy the process.

in other news, i am in an undergrad research program with my uni and might even be helping a phd student with her paediatric project... so thats interesting. idk why she took 6-7 months to get back to me with the actual opportunity but its amazing how Allah prepares you for things that you think youre ready for... but He knows better

like literally, 6-7 months ago i was applying to all sorts of positions etc, and now, in my undergrad year, i have two research opportunities!! thats crazy tbh  Alhamdulilah, truly you have to leave it up to Allah and keep doing what youre doing.

for eg. i worked on my linkedin presence, and i networked with a couple of people from uni and otherwise, i got in touch with a naturopath in regards to my pcos and ik so much more than i did a year ago about diet and everything.

i just kept working at it and thats why im here now, my method of 'manifestation' is quite different, i feel like its easier for me to trust and believe once i let go of the outcome and am happy with whatever im doing, that way, if it happens or it doesnt, im good.

if im honest with myself, im not even really that pissed at my husband, even tho i have every right to be. two things: ik Allah will take care of me, and also ik i have to rely on myself. alot of my 'money' worries are bc i relied on baba, and now my husband, but now, when i realise i have to make it for myself and no one else, theres no pressure or sadness or worry on my part. Alhamdulilah im good, and ik if i keep at it, ill make it in life iA

idk if my method is weird bc everywhere i go i hear "make lots of dua and it'll happen" but for me, the more i make dua for smth, the more anxiety i have over it and the more distressed i become and then instead of understanding LOA, i blame the dua even tho dua is not the problem. 

but idk if this is correct or not, bc i always hear from everyone to make more dua, but i feel the trust is felt differently, and dua can kind of get in the way of that. esp, the way we make dua, is expectant of smth, anything to 'arrive' and the anxiety of that just makes me not want to make dua. idk i hope im making sense.

like for eg. i got married when i 'gave up' looking and literally just focused on myself. same with this job crap, i dont think all sorts of 'giving up' are bad. i think in the process you realise what it is about a job that you want... is it freedom to do what you want? is it that you wanna get paid with no limits (yes)? is it that you wanna do smth youre interested in? (yes) so once i realised i didnt acc want a 'job', especially one i would have to travel for, i realised i was lying to myself about wanting a job. 

rn im sitting outside and it so nice in the morning, its 8:36 am and the wind is so nice and breezy, not too cold. and its quite cloudy but im here for the uv rays and sunlight to hit my retina. sunlight is free therapy, i swear to god. its so beautiful this alone-ness. its just me thats awake and out of bed and im just sitting admiring my view, my cats and the green trees. this is so underrated and its in my backyard.

so when i realised that ive always had 'unpopular' opinions, and ive always stuck to them, and ive tried to be a "nice" person,  but i was disgusted with myself. its better to have good character than just being "nice". like my SIL S.A is "nice" but really shes mean. she has a real mean bone in her body, and i dont like her at all.. bc i dont trust her. she lies and she betrays like no other - and i cbb for someone who has no mercy in their hearts for people. people who think theyre better than everyone. and deserve things just by existing idk why A.A likes her but damn hes mystified. 

this is the best morning ive had in a while. spring is coming and its beautiful weather -- we're gonna be eating mangoes mid-way thru the season, im gonna be 8-12 articles deep in my linkedin newsletter and website. im so excited for my journey this semester.

im trying to get all the stuff done before my walima on september 9th.. that means most of my assignments, most of my participation etc. etc.. the stuff that doesnt seem important until its due. so ye thats my plan, bc after week 4.. idk where the time goes.

also, my tafseer class is going really well; mostly due to me taking it hella seriously and kickking people out who dont wanna be there -- bc i made it clear that everyone in the tafseer class is there bc of themselves, not bc of their mums or any other thing - and naturally there is no pressure from anyone to be there. i kicked out my friend M.G bc she was not taking it seriously, and honestly it really annoyed me... so i kicked her out. i was more strict with J.A (my SIL) and told her that she needs to fix her schedule as well, otherwise, shes risking to get kicked out too. my SIL S.A acc really likes it too, Alhamdulilah. only Allah has made this class a success. we have 18 girls and counting! 

Alhamdulilah, Alhamdulilah.

the thing that irks me a little bit is how my SIL S.A doesnt consider me a "friend" and you know what? fair enough, bc we would just be backbiting about others. and im not an idiot to not know when someone doesnt wanna be close to me. someone respecting me doesnt mean they like me or wanna be my friend, and bro honestly whatever. bc ik how she is, and i wouldnt want to be her friend either, so its for the best.

i think im too much of a ball-buster for her big-ass ego. and she gets it from my BIL M.A.. who honestly, is not a good brother or son... he is only a good husband ad even that is questionable. hes so damn stubborn and he gave S.A such a hard time growing up. bullying her for being a girl etc. and ik S.A hates being a girl, ok ye she puts make up on etc etc, but she hates the vulnerabilities that come with being a woman, honestly girls like her make me believe DV should be allowed sometimes. she jsut doesnt shut her mouth, its so poisonous. but until this week, i didnt realise it was bc of M.A

i mean can you imagine being bullied for being a girl???? like it doesnt even make sense, but all the brothers used to jump on S.A and now shes traumatised from that experience, shes not motherly or understanding at all, she hates most girls and is in competition for the dumbest things like who can cook the best, or whos the cleanest, who has the richest husband? etc. etc...

i realised M.A is very sensitive about his masculinity, which is why he always makes everything a competition, who can blow the most bubbles from the bubble maker (yes, he does this), who is the smartest, who has the smartest kids, etc etc. his ego is too big for him to realise hes so stupid and thick-headed that it gets to everyone.. but no one says anything bc "hes the oldest" bleugh,

he sucks as an older brother. the thing i hate about my husband's family is that they all operate biologically. for eg. they dont acc love/like each other at all, but blood is thicker than water so thats what they stand by.. and they wouldnt let a family member starve or die-- but its all for their ego. so no one can look at them and say "why dont you care about your broter/sister?" its a  very tribalistic "care", its not a genuine care. and even the "care" they do give, is to flaunt it to others and mostly themselves, that they're a caring person. but in the end, there is no depth in their love for each other, and thats what scares me the most.