life updates for anyone who cares

pcos diagnosis + career path

so ive been diagnosed with pcos where the ultrasound found 'cysts' in my ovaries. and i naturally became worried but basically i have pcos... and i am so relieved to finally know whats been making me feel like absolute crap. bc i was genuinely trying everything. 

im now only supplements like DIM (mostly for mood, not sure exactly how it works but also apparently for weight loss), myo + di-chiro inositol (insulin sensitivity) and evening primrose oil (for my skin) as well as rhodiola for  stressful times (definitely helps). ive also been sleeping at 10 and waking up at 6:30 for fajr and staying up. its acc the best bc i can so much done during the day, alhamdulilah. and the day feels like theres so many things to do.

DIM really made me feel normal again, which means not crappy and down bad. which i very grateful for. i couldnt explain how i felt for the longest time but getting this diagnosis was a relief.

im pretty sure i suffer from high estrogen bc the way my body holds onto fat is not good. and apparently progesterone is the real 'feminine' hormone... so i need to work on increasing it bc apparently even the copper iud can cause hormonal issues - not surely exactly how.. but i do believe that everytime you work against nature (my ability to get pregnant) there will be consequences. but alhamdulilah they are not hormonal,, but maybe they are? idk cant say anything yet.

im trying to fix my diet as much as i can and manage my pcos the natural way - i definitely cannot do dairy like milk anymore. or even cheese. i can feel thats the issue.. idk about gluten just yet but basically i have the inflammatory pcos which means i must avoid inflammatory foods, no matter what it is. i seem to be ok with gluten but im not ruling it out just yet.

inflammatory pcos is veyr much related to food which means dairy or gluten or BOTH which i really hope is not the case. but im quite sure dairy is inflammatory. 

i have to get my hands on NAC, l-carnitine, berberine and spearmint tea as these are what were recommended by some naturopath on yt ... and im trusting them over a medical doctor anyday.

anywho.. back to the topic i really am writing this entry for: my career path.

now ik im not a 'boss babe' or a 'stay-at-home' neither of these adequately describe me. 

but i do wanna work. i cannot for the life of me, imagine myself simply sitting at home doing nothing but cooking and cleaning. bc both of those things take 2 hours maxx. and what about the rest of the 6 hours?

what am i going to do? exactly

i just did a career test and paid $15 for the results. and im more conflicted than ever.. but its nice to hear my conflict confirmed. 

it says that i should consider being a lawyer at #5 (1-4 are inaccurate and mostly managerial positions which honestly i wouldnt mind)

and clinical psychologist at #8 (6 and 7 are also managerial positions)

and i got FBI agent in one of them too.

but im also thinking investigative journalism. honestly these are the things that go thru my head. 

and honestly? i hate that im not doing anything about it except for crying to my husband about my confusion. i need to put on my big girl pants and just apply for all of these positions and do what i do best as i wait: continue my relo counselling diploma and continue my podcasting - bc that is genuinely where i feel happy most. and so why wouldnt i do that?

why wouldnt i do smth that im happy about and happy to be a part of and its MINE?

and its what I care about? i decide the topics, i decide how to address it. and nobody can tell me how to do it.

i honestly kind of feel oppressed under my husband. i dont like to say it to anybody else. but nobody has read this book in the past 4 years so im comfortable admitting that.

idk if hes jealous of my potential (its not the first thing that came to my head, but it did come) or afraid ill make more money.. but like so what?

im not working full-time so i probably wont.but its the comments that he makes that hurt me

that i cant be a lawyer even tho i'd very good at it.. bc ill turn snakey or weird and just become a weirdo who uses people 

and that i cant podcast unless its about smth connected to islam but sometimes i just wanna ramble.. is there smth so wrong with that?

i havent sat like this and just typed my heart out but it feels good to get it out of my system. i dont wanna care what he thinks .. too much or otherwise it will stop my growth. the thing im most afraid of is regret. and i genuinely feel so crappy these days bc everybody around is doing what they like and my husband makes me feel like a prisoner, sometimes

ik its out of love, but its so so suffocating and im just tired of it. i need to do what i need to do. im a free spirit and i cant be bogged down like this in sludge. 

i need to do smth... anything... even if i record an episode that 40 mins and i publish it... or i dont it doesnt matter. just to get the juices in my brain flowing. but i need to do smth. i cant sit here and mope all day and watch other people achieving amazing things while i sit at home and do nothing. i gotta take action. i gotta stand up for myself. and i gotta do it right.