life updates for anyone who cares

closure

so my husband re-downloaded snapchat and i took this opportunity to look thru his sc memories... which i knew was holding info that i needed to know in order to trust him.

so i took his phone to his sister's bathroom in her house and stayed there for as long as i could looking thru his sc memories and wasn't shocked to find weed smoking, but i was shocked by the lean (cough syrup in sprite) and snorting cocaine and smoking out of a bong and i think he did smth else too but i dont want to ask him.

he was holding a little resealable bag that had two little square colourful mosaic-patterned paper pieces or smth and in the video he goes "what is this? is this drugs?" just laughing with his dumb friend. i think it was lsd bc they were coloured small squares and i just searched it up and im right: Known as "acid" and by many other names, LSD is sold on the street in small tablets ("microdots"), capsules or gelatin squares ("window panes"). It is sometimes added to absorbent paper, which is then divided into small squares decorated with designs or cartoon characters ("loony toons"). Occasionally it is sold in liquid form. But no matter what form it comes in, LSD leads the user to the same place—a serious disconnection from reality.

he had a lot of before and after photos, possibly checking to see the half-life of the drugs he took and whether or not he looked high. but honestly there was one photo that really hit home for me... it was the one i had a vision about at least two-three times and when i saw the photo, it just clicked. it was him holding a hennessy bottle close to his face high as hell. now idk if he drank it and honestly in my heart i really dont think he did, but idk man... i do think he probably sipped on it and then put it back realising that if he continued he would never go back.

i think my husband is still suffering from the effects of these drugs no matter how long its been, his last recorded blunt was on the 17/02/2019 so it hasnt been that long that hes been off it.

there was another video where there was just very ~sus~ neon blue lighting and he was recording a video and said "cuz we're about to have such a mad session, popped a cap -inaudible- wtf do you mean brrap braap". popped a cap means: In Australia, MDMA/Ecstasy are also known as E, pills, caps, pingers, M&M, doopa, love drug, disco biscuits, XTC, X and eccy.

so  hes pretty much had everything on the block: from weed, cocaine, ecstasy/mdma to LSD.

idk how to feel about the lsd tbh, bc i also know, from sussing thru his diary that he tried to open his third eye etc. which btw takes ages to do but idk why he believes he did but anyway.

when i saw my husband at his lowest, and i looked at him after, i was a little disoriented and quiet during the rest of the night. i knew he had done weed but to know hes done EVERYTHING is frightening. idk how i knew it was lsd, possibly bc i remember during our honeymoon i mentioned to him how ive wanted to try it and he discouraged me and just tried to get me to change the subject; i guess ik why now.

the biggest question still stands: how do 17/18 year olds even know this stuff let alone get access to it? another thing that really shocked me is how hes had lean?

idk why i was shocked about the lean and lsd but its bc he had no limits to what he did but i guess there are no limits with the shaytaan and i shouldnt expect nothing less.

but honestly when he was looking for his phone and asked me while i was looking thru it... i just lied and said i didnt have it and continued to look thru it. i knew i could deal with the consequences after.

i came out and "pretended" to look for the phone and "found" it in the baby's room and gave it to him but i knew that he had a feeling that i had it the entire time.

anyways, we went home and i told him i had a vision of him holding a hennessy bottle next to his face like two to three times, which i did. and then he was shocked and asked what exactly my vision was and i described the picture that i saw. bc when i saw the picture, it felt so familiar, like i saw it earlier in a dream or in a vision. anyway and then he said "have husn-al dhan and remember what the prophet said that if he saw a man with alcohol dripping from his beard, he would assume it fell on him."

i distracted him by kissing him with so much passion and then stopped to take a breath and then started kissing him again but i started crying intensely while i kissed him and told him that i cant get the vision out of my head.

at this point, i think he knew i had the phone so he got up and said "did you have my phone at sara and aadils house?" and i just started crying so bad bc i didnt want to say it... bc he told me from the last time that i shouldnt seek it out otherwise i will find smth. 

and then he said "i dont want to go to sleep upset with you bc you know what Allah says about the husband who is upset with his wife, im not happy that you did that"

and then i profusely apologised again and again as i cried and told him im sorry that i did it but i just couldnt not do it. especially bc he knows all of my socials and what i post on them, especially my sc, but i didnt say this to him.

but honestly, i felt horrible and i thought he was going to be very angry but he wasnt. and he just started crying very hard like when your stomach and chest are both heaving and said that "i wish i never did it" and i got on top of him and hugged him as tight as i could and said "ik you do" and we both just cried on each other and he cried so much, with big fat tears rolling down his face. he said "ive never cried on anyone's shoulder like this before" (bc he was literally on my shoulder) and i hugged him tighter

he told me he was glad i knew now... and i think he was honestly shocked by how i didnt think differently of him now and he said "you really are ride or die and thats what i was looking for" but homeboy if you ever think about disrespecting me, you can ride or die to hell :)))

anyways i didnt say anything, i felt like a pick-me for no reason. but honestly that night was surreal bc it brought us closer together alhamdulilah its for the best and that following week, i felt shaytan try to make me judge him for his past but honestly thats not fair. bc i wouldnt want him to jusge me for mine so why be a hypocrite. and the thing is that weed/coke/lsd still affects him so why would i put salt on his wound? sins have a lasting impact, and i dont want to be arrogant bc i never committed them otherwise that is a greater sin.

but after the crying, idk why i felt so horny and turned-on and then we had amazing s*x. omg i still remember it, t was the best. 

ive realised that my fair skin is acc so nice... and when i see it under the moonlight and i see my husband's tan and darker skin violating me... it turns me on so much. and when we have s*x in his old room where the only light is from the moon and my white body is lying there waiting for him and his darker body is entering me... i feel so dirty and turned-on its so sexyyyy