How would you feel? (Harry Styles) || COMPLETED

51. Torn

June 12th 2015, London

Life had had no mercy, no remorse. It had just done what it had to do, regardless of my feelings. How sad, funny and weird was it? How love could end so swiftly, in a flash. One day Harry and I were together, losing ourselves in the hours, talking till late night, sharing everything and then, the next moment, we were just two ordinary left behind.

As the plane was getting ready to land in London, I realized that I had to get myself together. My make up was probably all smudged and I looked like a crazy person. I felt like I was going crazy, but on the surface, I had to look decent and okay. Thinking about it, I regretted being so reckless. Walking the streets of New York in that condition, without thinking about the consequences, had been a horrible idea, especially since I knew paparazzi were around. 

Truth to be told, I couldn't help it. No matter what I was doing: walking, waiting for my cab, buying the most 'last minute ticket' ever to go back to London, waiting for my plane to take off, trying to sleep, failing at it, waiting to be in London, I couldn't stop thinking about it and crying about it. I had been doing so for so long that tears had become a part of me. Staring at the little mirror of the plane's toilet, I didn't quite recognize myself. I saw a broken girl, with swollen, puffy and red eyes and makeup all over her face. I wiped it away and washed my face, hoping that cold water would do me good, before returning to my seat. 

Soon, the plane hit the English ground and, for some reason, I felt nervous. I didn't want to switch on my phone. I didn't want to go the flat I had been sharing with Stella for a year. I didn't want to meet anybody. I didn't want to talk to anybody. I didn't want paparazzi following me around. I simply didn't want to face reality. 

The airport doors opened and I was immediately blinded by cameras' flashes. I looked down, trying to not pay attention to them, but things got hectic in a few seconds. They were following me, even if I had no destination, shoving their cameras in my face and yelling things I couldn't quite comprehend. All of the sudden, my heart began to race and I felt dizzy. I couldn't breathe. All I felt was an intense amount of pain all over. My body felt tingly and I felt like ice was running through my veins. I wanted to run away from the situation but I couldn't even move. I felt trapped. Suffocated. Frightened. Alone. My vision suddenly became blurry and spotty. I felt two hands grabbing me, I tried to turn around but I couldn't recognize the person. I panicked even more before I finally heard silence. The person sat me down and instructed me to inhale and exhale deeply. I weirdly trusted what I heard and, after a few minutes, I felt calm again. I opened my eyes and saw a security guard sat next to me. 

"Are you okay, love?" he said with his deep northern accent, "you've just had a panic attack"

"Yes, thank you so much..." I lied, "the situation out there got pretty crazy" I faked a giggle

"Next time you travel alone, make sure you notify the airport security" he said, "this wouldn't have happened if you had... now come with me, I'll walk you to the car we've called for you" 

I apologized and thanked him once again, before standing up and walking behind him. We exited from the back and, as I was entering the car, the man told "I'm no one but I suggest you go home and try to sleep on whatever's going on in your life", reminding me of what Harry had told me the night we met. Involuntarily a tear or two streamed down my face but I kept myself together as the driver turned around and asked where I was headed. 

I told him my address and, as I was speaking, I realized I had to go and look for another house soon. For sure, I couldn't stand to face Stella. I knew she had been the one planning it and for long. It hurt me more than anything. How could she be so mean after everything we had been through?

I stepped inside the flat and the pain inside my chest amplified at the sight of it. All the laughs, all the cries, all the memories together. Everything was fake. In a way, I wanted to destroy everything but I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. She had hurt me but I just couldn't do that to her, she had been my best friend for years after all. 

I walked to my room and made the worst mistake: I laid on my bed. Harry's cologne filled my lungs so I immediately stood up. I didn't know where to go. I didn't know what to do. I felt tormented. Everything reminded me of them. I felt so sad and mad at the same time. I hated them because I loved them so much and it hurt ten times worse. 

I wasn't much of a drinker but in that moment, all I wanted to do was having a drink... or two, to get my mind off things. I looked for wine in the cupboard but there was none. The only bottle in there was an old whiskey one. I poured some in a glass, I downed it and felt a weird burn in coming down my body. I didn't like it but I kept on drinking it anyway, until my head felt dizzy. 

As I was standing in the middle of kitchen,  roaming around and drunkingly trying to make sense of everything that had happened, the door bell rung. I hesitated but slowly stumbled towards the door to see who it was. In the back of my heart, I knew who I wanted it to be. In the back of my mind, I knew it was wrong to hope for Harry to be there. 

I opened the door and was surprised when I saw deep blue eyes staring into mine. Louis was standing in front of me. I stayed still and, as he pulled me into a tight hug, I broke down and started crying again. 

"Everything's gonna be alright, love" he whispered as he stroked my back. He held me for a while, before he took my hand and led me towards the couch. 

"How can I go back on tour and know that I'll have to face him everyday?" I suddenly cried, "I just can't"

"What's happened exactly, love?" he asked while caressing the back of my hand

"S-stella and H-harry kissed and I-I saw them" I stuttered in between tears, "then Harry came back to the hotel, I was in our room...and he didn't say anything..." I cried, "nothing at all... he didn't even try to explain" I said as he pulled me into a tight hug again. I laid my head on his shoulder and kept on crying, "it just hurts so much... I thought that... I thought that he loved me... but everything was a lie" 

"Don't say that" he tried to calm me down, "there must be an explanation..."

"He didn't want to explain it himself..." I sighed, "let's be honest, he deserves more... he's just so... handsome and I'm just dull, plain... it was bound to happen" 

"Don't you dare saying this again" he shook his head, "you deserve more than him. He's an asshole if he lets go of you... and I'm telling you this as his best mate" he said and I didn't say anything in response. I didn't believe his words. I knew he was just saying things to cheer me up, but he was failing. Nothing could make me happier. 

"I think you should rest, love" he said after a while

"I can't sleep here" I sighed

"Why don't you settle at mine until you find a new flat?" he suggested 

"I can't be a burden for you too" I shook my head, "I'll book a hotel room for a few weeks" 

"Don't be silly" he shook his head, "I'm be happy to host you in my humble abode... I've got room" 

"Just for tonight" I agreed, "but, for now, I have to pack all my stuff" I said and, as I did, we stood up and spent the rest of the afternoon putting my belongigns in boxes. I put in a separate box all my pictures and memories with Stella and, painfully, everything that belonged to Harry in another.

Being with Louis helped me get through the hours without crying my heart out but, as I sat down on his couch, switched my phone on, and relized that none of them had even tried to contact me, the world fell on my shoulder once again.

----

Writer's note:

And I'm back! Let me know what you thought of this chapter and if you liked it, make sure to comment and vote!

I hope you have an amazing day,

Jade x