Adopted By Hamilton One Shots

I'm sorry

Hey. I'm sorry. I... I've really been trying. I write from when I wake up until 7, then at lunch best I can, and I don't have reception in my dressing room, I swear I've been trying. I'm so sorry, it's really hard. Everything's hard.

Anything Goes opened on Thursday, I'm really stressed, one of the mom's is yelling at me a lot, I'm trying to pass all my classes, I'm not getting sleep, I've cried four times today. I flaked on my brother and moms birthdays today and yesterday because I've had so much to do. I've been trying to pull together really thoughtful gifts for my secret buddy, and have been making handmade nice cards for him every night. My secret buddy hasn't done anything for me yet. I'm upset and angry all the time, I'm always on the verge of yelling at someone, and I just really want to cry right now I really want to cry. I want flowers. I want someone to bring me flowers after a show but no ones ever done that. I'm stressed, I'm dying. I'm so sorry. I really am trying here I swear.

I just feel so unloved and alone right now but I know I'm not. Like the girls in my dressing room are being more supportive of me than anyone has ever been, I just... I find myself rubbing my knee and telling myself I love you.

I'm becoming protective of my own self. I get angry when people don't like me, because it makes my heart sad, and I just want to give myself a hug, and tell myself I love me and everything's going to be alright, but sometimes nothing is.

I feel like I'm a nice person and people should like me, and I feel bad for my little heart because it's really trying it's best and it's smiling at everyone, and occasionally someone pats it on its cute little heart head and it smiles and blushes, and closes its eyes because it's happy, then opens its eyes and sees that other heart go and talk to a group of hearts and ignore it. Then my little heart is sad and it sulks away, and hides because it's embarrassed and it needs to be told it's loved and it's not doing anything wrong and I'm the only one that can do that.

I literally kissed my knee and told myself I love you, it's okay, everything's going to be okay. But sometimes I don't believe that, and I'm just saying it to my sad little heart to keep it beating.

I can't be yelled at. Confrontation makes me cry. People arguing with me makes me cry. I... I'm crying right now for Gods sake. People jokingly arguing with me makes me cry. I just... im SO FREAKING sensitive everything hurts right now. I just... I feel awful. I'm sorry