Lose Myself

Chapter Twenty-Six: My Fault

Amara

"What th-" I stopped talking when I spotted Dominic sitting on the sofa with is head tilted back and smoke blowing from his mouth and nose.

"Dominic what are you doing?"

"I'm smoking," he replied, "What does it look like?"

"I didn't know you smoked." I said much quieter.

"Amara its just marijuana."

"Right," I laughed sarcastically, "Its only cannabis."

I sat down on a different seat watching him with his eyes closed.

"Something on your mind?" he spoke.

"Something is on yours."

"That so?"

I watched quietly.

"Amara why did you say we're the same?" he sat upright and looked at me, "You and I both know for a fact we are not." he was being stern with me.

"How." It wasn't a question, I wondered to myself how it was he thought we were any different. Just like him I went to an institution, just like him I was injected with chemicals and I was worth almost as much as he was. Because they didn't succeed in removing my emotions we were different? I didn't think so.

"I am nothing like you." he looked like a statue, nothing but his mouth moved not even his gaze wavered as he stared me down, daring me to say otherwise. His voice was harsh, hardly attempting at being gentle.

"How do you know that."

"It is fact Amara, you have not been through half of what I have."

"That is not true!" I stood. How could he?

"See?" he looked up at me, "You let your emotions get the better of you."

"I may allow my emotions control over my logical mind sometimes Dominic," I breathed, "But at least I-I-"

"You what?" he sat back, daring me to say more.

I looked at him. He looked very different when he was being himself, logical and calculative. With no attempt at saving face.

Oh no. I wasn't. No. I was. I was crying. Why was I crying?

Sometimes I didn't understand the extent of my own emotion, I cried but I didn't know why I cried. Was I upset because he was being mean to me? Was I crying because he'd been the only person to challenge my experiences? Maybe I was crying because I hadn't believed he wouldn't care enough to treat me without at least pretending like he cared, that he would actually be void of emotion whilst talking to me. Maybe I thought I was as special as his mother and his sister, people he spent years saving face for. 

No. I never thought that.

I cried. Because I loved him. I could never change that. 

No matter what he did. I'd still love Dominic.