Lose Myself

Chapter Eight: Flashback (Emilie)

Dominic

"My name is Emilie by the way," she looked down, "I was a good friend of Schwarzer Regen since we both came here at the same time. Weiser Adler was my name, no matter how many times Schwarzer Regen told them it wasn't, 'she has a real name!' She would always say things like that."

"I'm sorry I didn't know.."

"No it's okay, I'll tell you what you need to know." she sat down in her office chair, "I have nothing to lose."

"Uh, thank you." I sat up on the desk. She smiled genuinely up at me before looking back down at her hands, fiddling.

"She was fascinating, always happy and at some times I thought she was delusional - in denial maybe - but that was never it. She believed that if she became the best she could protect anyone she loved or cared about from the same thing happening to them. She never told me what this 'thing' was but I always had a hunch. Maybe she was trafficked here, kidnapped or maybe she'd been given an offer she couldn't refuse. We spent years in here, so I had plenty of time to come up with theories."

"Schwarzer Regen never complained, she never cried, she never asked questions. She just wanted one thing the entire time she was here, to be called by her first name. Never had it come up and never had anyone said it. It was almost like the entire staff was in on it. She always used to say things like 'we have names' or 'I have a name'. I don't even know her name, she knows mine. But it always amazed me how hard she trained, how focused she was and how accepting. She always did what she was told, it made me wonder. Was she really okay?"

***FLASHBACK***

"Thank you, for helping me."

"Its okay Emilie, you know that we'll be out of here like soon right?"

"Ha yeah, 'like soon' sounds just about right."

"Don't let it get to you."

"Easy for you to say."

"No." she looked blankly at the wall. I ignored it, I always did because there was no way she was telling me jack sh-t. Even if I asked.

"I always meant to ask you." I started fiddling with my fingers, "Why? How? How can you be so strong and so - so sure?"

"Emilie I'm here for a reason. I came here at my own will and I stay here at my own will."

"Why." it wasn't much of a question, just kind of a statement made implying that there was most likely no good reason, nothing she could say could justify the fact that she came here willingly and stayed here willingly. It wasn't fair to those of us who had no choice not to mention nowhere to go, she should give the freedom she is wasting to those of us who want it - need it.

"Next year I will be returning home to spend it with my family but after the year is over I will come back," she smiled. I frowned at her, why?

"Why would you come back?"

"For you. I am always there for those who need me. I do not want you to lose yourself just as much as I do not want to lose myself."

***END OF FLASHBACK***

"After a few years into the program I had been granted out of it, I couldn't take it and she was happy for me. They allowed me to transfer to office. She said it was good thing, I was losing myself and that it was best for me to go because it was sad to watch. She'd been watching over me, making me laugh, making me happy and keeping me whole. I felt like a burden and I tried to return the favour but the woman made it almost impossible. She was always happy, always laughing and always... whole. At least I think so, even when she's not here a part of me feels her convincing me, letting me think something like that. She stayed in the experimental program and when time came for her 'vacation,' " she held up quotation marks at the word, "she left and well - she never came back."

"Her parents died." I said getting up, "You're her friend and I thought you should know. She didn't come back because her parents died. She spent months trying to find the owner of this place killing whoever she needed to, when she found his home he was already dead two months prior so she took out her anger on his family instead and murdered all of them. One wife, two sons. The man had ordered an attack on her for some reason. I don't know how and in what circumstances but she told me she had been attacked. She was very vague about it." 

"Oh my god." her eyes went wide.

"I know where she is, but still thank you..." I dragged looking at her expectantly.

"Emilie."

"Emilie. I'll be sure to tell her you said hi." I smiled. I leaned in and gave her a quick hug.

"You smell nice."

"Thanks. I'm gonna go now."