Lose Myself

Chapter Sixteen Part One: Understanding

Amara

The awkwardness of the first twenty minutes had died down and everyone was munching on their dessert. I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder, I turned to find Belladonna smiling at me and I smiled back.

"Hi." I was about to say 'how can I help you?' in the most polite voice I can manage but I refrained from doing so, I know it would've come out sounding rude.

She smiled at me then turned her attention to Dominic, "Can I snag her for a second?"

"Si." He nodded before smiling at me.

I got up and followed his mother out the double doors and onto the terrace. I could see the reflection of the building in the water of the fountain, Belladonna leaned on the railing of the terrace and gestured for me to stand next to her. I walked up and stood straight.

"Why did you agree to come here?" she asked still looking ahead. Now I know where Dominic gets his bad manners. I didn't really mean that.

"I'm not surprised at the question. I am surprised that you do not know." I replied, "I don't have much going for me since I refuse to work for the government, I have a number of felonies on my record that I haven't done the time for. I also tend to keep to myself so getting married and having kids... I can't really have that."

"Of course you can."

"I'm sorry I-I can't. In my experience anyone I've ever gotten close to has gotten hurt, it takes a toll on your conscience."

"Not to be rude but I was under the impression that you do not have a conscience. Like all other agents."

"Mine is a rare case. I didn't lose my emotions, I can feel what you feel just as you feel it. Guilt is something I just try very hard to ignore though whenever I do cause death I have a practice in which I commemorate those who've lost their lives. That is one way I deal with my guilt. But there are those few in the world that deserve it, I do not pay my respects to them."

"I admire that." She breathed.

I let out a breathy laugh, "Thank you."

"So joining the mafia is a way to get out of doing the time."

"In some aspect, if I'm in the mafia then I don't have to do the time not only that but I don't have to be in hiding anymore. I can be 'free' as free as a woman can get in the mafia." I laughed.

"Yes. Not very much freedom."

"But it's all for the wellbeing of ourselves, the men worry too much."

"You sound like you've been in a familia before."

"Believe it or not I haven't."

We stood for minute, I presumed she was simply taking in it all in. I had revealed a lot about myself to Belladonna without even realising it, the woman sure had a way with interrogations. She turned to look at me, "Would you like to know something about Dominic?"

"Sure."

"Ever since he was young he had been training for this, constantly being taught things that would make him a better agent. I was totally against it at first, extremely upset. I didn't know what I'd gotten myself into by marrying a mafia man and well this was one of the first times I found out. I had to let them do whatever they needed to do to Dominic. It hurt." She paused, "Amara I'd like you to know that I am ever so grateful for your cooperation, though I cannot lie the idea of not having Clarissa as a daughter-in-law is exciting. Having children in the mafia is not a walk in the park, if that is what you want you must be prepared to let them go through what you went through. No child born in the mafia is not sent to the institution. That is something that cannot be allowed."