Markiplier: Once Upon A Time

A/N: It Hurts, Please Help Me

I am so sorry I haven't posted anything, but that's only because I have been banned from electronics. This authors note means more to me than life itself. This note is my everything. Please read with caution.

I have bad grades. Like, failing every class grades. And I just started my spring break. This would be fine, but I'm banned from electronics. I can't watch markiplier. And it hurts.

I suffer from depression. I haven't been diagnosed by a doctor, but I know that I have it. I know because of some things I am about to share with you. Things I could barely bring myself to tell my own mother.

The last time I tried to tell my mother that I was scuicidally depressed was a year ago, and her response was "oh shut up Iris. Stop trying to act so special. You aren't." And so I shut off all emotions.

I stopped crying because I didn't want to show any emotion anymore. I buried every single feeling in my soul and plastered on a happy face, putting everything behind my eyes.

To this day, I still have trouble showing emotion. To this day, I can't express emotion through my eyes. I forgot how. I smile with my face or cry with my mouth, but my eyes are broken.

I found markiplier and treated him like a god when last summer began because I was in so much pain and I latched onto the first thing I could. But then, I actually became in love with the man. I love everything about his videos and his fandom. I felt important. I love you all.

Yes, I am scuicidally depressed, but that's not the bad part. The bad part is that I am... what's the word... homicidal? That's the word for wanting to kill people, right? Ok, please hear me out.

I don't know why, but I want everyone to die. I spend a really long time maticulously planning numerous deaths for people I hate. When I'm mad, I say "I want the world to burn. I want everyone to burn. I want you to burn" to whoever I am mad at. And the bad part is that it's true.

As I am typing this, I am crying my eyes out. I can't stop crying because I am so sad right now. I don't want to kill people. I really don't. I used to want to be weird but now I want to be normal. I am so sad I just want the pain to stop.

This brings me to scuicide. I want to die so I can't hurt anyone. I am so scared that I will. I keep threatening my brother and family and my closest friend, Sadie. Sadie, if you ever read this, I am so sorry. I love you. Please forgive me Sadie please for give me.

I just want my pain to end and it all to be over finally. I want to die so I don't act on my urges. I'm only fourteen, fifteen on April 7th, 2015.

This brings us back to markiplier. I treat Mark like a god because that's what he is for me. My savior. He is the only reason I haven't done it yet. I love him. Actually, more aptly, it's you guys. His fandom. This fandom accepted me. That hasn't happened to me ever before.

I love you. You probably haven't read Down to here now. You probably stopped. Everything I say is pointless.

Ok well the thing is, now we are back to grades. My mom takes away my electronics when I have missing work. She did it again and now I don't have anything left. My thoughts of murder and scuicide go WAY up when I don't have these stabilizers. These things make me talk to people in actual Han conversations. I can't do that without happiness. Happiness is markiplier and his fandom for me.

I used to feel my body. Now I feel trapped. I used to look in the mirror and see me. Then I would look and I would see me pounding on the eyes from the inside, trying to get out. Now, if I look really hard way back in the back of the pupils, I can see me sobbing in a dark corner. That's what I am now. Trapped.

I don't know what else to say, so I have to leave it here. I love you.

Stay alive brochachos.
Raven out

For now