Laurens P.O.V:
The girls and I just got onto the plane and I was casually scrolling through twitter until I noticed the same video being Dm'ed to me and tagged in.
I was reading what people where saying as they sent it to me.
'Watch this!'
'This girl thinks like you!'
'She's single and gay'
I snorted at that comment and started watching the video since I was using the planes Wi-Fi I paid for in advance.
Soon the video started and this beautiful girl with y/e/c and y/h/c was shown.
(play video now)
"For as long as I could remember, I've always had this dark void in my life...
This empty feeling deep, deep inside of me, that you can't quite shake no matter how hard you try.
It sort of consumes and eats away at you.
You'll have great happy moments and just when you think things are fine, surprise! The feeling always comes back, it's just a matter of time.
The constant frustration to fill this void, something to ease the pain.
What's the cause?
Nobody knows.
Yet, you feel the same sad emptiness every single day.
It leaves me feeling so empty and down.
Like you're missing something somehow, something that's a big part of me, and once I have it, I'll be happy.
I just need that one thing, this missing key, and when I get my hands on it, I'll be complete.
I've tried everything, friends, education, material stuff, but no matter how hard I try, it never seems to be enough.
It sucks, and I know people will tell me that I just need to think more positive or the solution to all my problems is slef-love.
But it's not as simple as that, not when you've got to the point where you just feel numb.
I so badly want to fill my heart with so much happiness that it takes all the sadness away.
My childhood was so dark and angry that I thought, in my adult life, things would change.
Somehow I would no longer feel the same, and I don't.
Things aren't as intense anymore, but there's no denying that feeling is always there, and it's something I can't explain.
I just wish it would go away.
I thought that when I grow up, things would be different, I just thought....
That things would be different...
You look at other people and they always seem so happy.
You know you observe people's lives whether that be in person, social media, TV, and it seems to come to them so naturally.
I know all that stuff can be misleading, but when you feel so empty, you can't help but think.
'Why can't that be me?'
Cause you want that.
You so desperately want that, and you feel like you're doing the right things.
You know you're hanging out with friends, talking about it, dancing to silly music, and in the moment you feel great, you're in a happy place.
But sooner or later that feeling goes away, and the emptiness kicks in again.
Do I sound crazy?
God, I feel like I sound do crazy.
I tend to feel a lot late at night, and that's when I write.
Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed with emotion, I just cry.
And I don't know why.
It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, and it's hard to admit.
So it becomes easier to lie and say everything's fine.
So that's what I say.
I say that 'I'm fine'.
Events from my past still affect my adult life.
I lash out, feel down out of no where and I can't explain why.
It just gets so messed up in my head sometimes.
Cause you can't escape it.
Not when it's happening in your mind.
And you beat yourself up, and you beat yourself up, till you feel so small.
Sometimes, you can just be in a room full of people and still feel so alone.
I can put on an act and pretend to be tough.
But deep down I never feel quite brave enough.
You can feel so small in this big, big word that I feel like all I have are my words to keep my sense of control.
These poems are like my therapy, ya know?
A way to release and pour out my soul in hopes that it'll make me feel better and somehow fill this empty hole.
One day I'll be able to look back on everything and it won't hurt so much anymore.
I'll be able to look back at what happened and not feel so sore.
Cause there's no cure.
There's no quick way to fix it.
It's just something you learn to live with.
But it'll get easier, of that I'm sure.
You are not the demons in your mind.
You are not the hurt and pain you feel on the inside.
You're stronger than that.
You can fight.
Understand that it's all temporary and all these things take time.
So chin up, breath, and allow yourself to feel everything that there is to feel.
You're going to get through this.
Give it some time.
And you'll heal."
I watch as she starts to write something on a piece of paper, after a few moments she turns in around.
'I believe in you!!'
It reads and I look at her face and I watch the biggest smile form on her face.
I soon reflected that smile and giggled a little.
Quickly I found her Instagram and follow her immediately.
After a few moments, everyone started raving at the fact that I followed her.
I remember the photo I took of myself earlier and posted it to Instagram, with a caption that was my favorite.
'So chin up, breath, and allow yourself to feel everything that there is to feel.'
After that I set my phone down until it buzzed shortly after.
I pick it up to see a dm from the girl.
'hey, my name is Y/n'
To be continued...
