Why did I do that?!
As soon as I asked him I knew I shouldn't have, but he responded so quickly saying he'd be here in ten minutes that I just couldn't take it back.. That was fifteen minutes ago and yes I'm fucking counting.
Liam is still unsettled but at this point I think he's just picking up on my own fucking anxiety.
It was one thing to see him at the party but now he's going to be in our... in my house. I know that Liam will appreciate having him here, I hadn't realised how solidified that bond still was until I saw them earlier, but I'm still a fucking wreck.
Breathing, remember breathing Josh? It generally fucking helps. Try it.
I just keep pacing the floor at the bottom of my bed, watching Liam twist and turn whilst keeping my eyes firmly glued on the window waiting for headlights.
Is that? No.
Oh wait that might be... no.
For fucks sake Josh, get a grip.
I don't know why I bothered worrying about looking for lights, the moment he got close I could fucking sense it.
It can't be like it was earlier, that was just a combination of all the pent up anxiety and finally seeing him again, this time it just has to be about Liam.
Nothing else.
My driveway fills with light, walking over to the window I expect to see the silver Merc he was driving before he lost his licence, but he's got something new. Black, muscle car, hot... Fuck, it suits him.
Of course he fucking got something new, he's signed to an NBA contract now Josh. He's grown and he's fucking changed. You don't truly know anything about him anymore...
I go to take a step out of the room when I realise I've got no fucking shirt on, there's a stupid part of me that just wants to answer the door like this but I can't do that if I just want to keep this about Liam.
You shouldn't be doing it anyway Josh, you are fucking engaged to another man.
I reach into the closet, going to pull down my favourite hoodie before pausing, my fingers stroking the soft fabric. I can't exactly wear this one.
He might want it back.
Instead I pull down one of my white crew necks and just about manage to pull it over my head without tumbling down the stairs as his fist hits the front door.
He's here... he's fucking here at your house.
I don't know why I check the peephole, I know who it fucking is, there's just a part of me that wants the extra minute while I still have this barrier between us.
He's changed too, his striking black suit from earlier replaced with washed out grey jeans and an extremely well fitted black t-shirt. I really need to ask him one day where he buys his fucking clothes, nothing I ever own fits me the way his stuff fits him.
He looks good in everything.
I didn't realise how long I've been standing here just looking at him until he takes a step back from the door and glances at the upstairs window before hesitating to knock again.
Shit.
Answering the door generally helps when you're trying to let someone into your fucking house Josh.
I pull the door open so quickly that he almost ends up knocking his hand against my chest, his knuckles lightly grazing against the fabric of my shirt before he pulls his hand back. This is so fucking weird, he looks so cool and calm, I'm riddled with nerves, it's like the very first time he came to my house all over again.
"Hey... So, you gonna let me in?"
Deja-fucking-vu.
He seems to realise it too, the both of us smiling and shaking our heads before I open the door wide enough for him to slip inside.
"Thanks for coming over, if you had something else on then you know you didn't have to rush over here. I don't want you to feel-"
"I want to be here, Josh," he interrupts, "you know how important he is to me. He's come too far for that bitch to pull him back again, if I can do anything to help him on that journey then that's what I'll do."
He's always so fucking selfless, I always said it would be his undoing.
Miles lets his eyes travel around the room, lingering for a moment on different points and a range of emotions flooding his face. He has a lot of memories here.
We both do.
"He's upstairs, he's been trying to sleep as best he can but you know how he gets when he scared." Miles nods, he was here every night after I first took Liam away from his 'mother', he saw first hand how hard it was for that little boy to get any rest. I'm not sure he would've got any at all without him.
Miles chucks his shoes into the corner of the room and walk straight over to the bottom of the staircase, getting up two stairs before freezing and turning back to look at me when he realises that this isn't his fucking house anymore.
I don't know what I should do, it was so natural seeing him here even I didn't realise that what he was doing, inviting himself up into my bedroom, was something he shouldn't be doing so easily. In the end I do the only thing I can; giggle at him.
It seems to ease the tension, he just laughs back, his beautiful voice combining with his slightly red face before continuing to go up the stairs as I follow after him...
Yeah, he really does need to tell me where he gets these jeans.
When he gets to the top of the staircase, he doesn't go any further, waiting patiently for me to open the door to my own bedroom. This can't be easy for him either, not that he's letting it show at all, he just seems to be completely focused on getting to Liam.
My little man was waking up anyway, but when I gently nudge the door open and he sees the light seeping into the room, his tiny hands start to rub against his sleepy eyes. He's so fucking precious.
"Hey little man, how are you feeling?" Liam takes in the room, now realising that we aren't in the car anymore.
"I-I'm.. Oh.. Milo?" Miles pops his head around the side of the door, almost pushing me aside when Liam smiles brighter than I've seen him smile for fucking months and extends both his arms up into the air. Miles races over without a care for anything else and sits himself down on the edge of the bed next to him, enveloping himself in Liam's hold.
He's fucking calmer already...
I don't disturb them, leaning back against the wall on the opposite side and just watching them fit back together like a little jigsaw puzzle. Maintaining this kind of relationship with Liam whilst he was doing such a busy college course, as well as playing ball, it must have been so hard for him.
It speaks so highly of him that he made it work, even with the minimal amount of contact he was given, so many other people wouldn't have bothered under those kinds of circumstances.
I understand why Liam didn't tell me the extent of their relationship for a long time but now I really wish he would have, it's really beautiful to see.
Although, I guess it might have just made things harder for me if I had known. It was already hard to breathe anytime someone mentioned his name until a few months ago.
Miles leans Liam down back against the pillow, but pauses for a second when he places his ear to his chest.
"Liam, did you take your inhaler before you fell asleep? You chest sounds tight." Liam shakes his head, I go to retrieve his pump but Miles beats me to it, opening the drawer of my nightstand and taking it out before bringing it to Liam's lips, like he never even left this house.
A gentle chuckle leaves my mouth, Miles turning to look at me and raising his eyebrows while still counting Liam's breaths.
"Problem?" He asks, shaking the pump before bringing it to Liam's lips for a second time.
"Just funny how quickly you slip back into dad mode." He's always been such a natural.
Miles looks down at the pump in his hand before turning to me with that killer smirk.
"You wouldn't be the first person to call me baby-daddy material Josh." Damn that wink still makes me weak at the fucking knees.
I bet I'm fucking not. I'd put my life savings on half the girls on his campus falling asleep at night with images of carrying their own mini Thompson.
Hell, I'm sure half the guys were too.
"Can we watch a movie?" Liam asks, his breath so much calmer now. Relief washes over me when he manages to get the whole sentence out without stuttering, Chrissy has probably triggered a lot of shit for him, I might have to get in touch with his therapist again.
"Of course we can, little man. What do you want to watch?" Liam shuffles over enough for Miles to have the room to get in next to him.
Shit, please don't... Please don't... annnnd he's in my fucking bed.
Of course, because sleeping tonight wasn't going to be difficult enough, now he's going to be all over my fucking sheets.
Liam doesn't care though, looking like the happiest kid on the planet as he pulls himself in close and settles in comfortably on the side of Miles.
This is...
I know what Liam will want to watch, I also know that he'll barely make it through ten minutes before falling asleep with how happy he is now.
Liam flicks through the options before finding the one he wants, that little green alien with the one eye filling the screen as the two of them settle themselves in for the night.
He can't stay here, we both know that, but once Liam gets into a comfortable sleep there is no waking him, I know he won't mind waiting for that to happen.
"Joshy, why aren't you laying down?" Liam pats his hand on the other side of the bed.
Fuck.
Miles looks at me, then the empty space, almost like a fucking challenge... He knows I can't turn down a fucking challenge.
He makes sure to keep his distance from me as I lay down on top of the sheets, Liam a human barrier between us but I can still fucking feel him next to me.
Twenty-four hours ago I hadn't spoken to this man in person for over four years, in a matter of hours after walking back into my life, he's in my fucking bed.
How the fuck does he do this?
Liam slips his hand into mine, pulling it over so that it sits on his chest whilst doing the same thing with Miles, forcing our fingers to touch as he clutch's us both tightly.
Ignore it Josh. It doesn't mean shit anyway.
This isn't about him, it's about Liam.
But it's hard, it's so fucking hard.
He's touching one tiny part of my body but I can feel him all over, like his hands are caressing every inch of my skin.
Josh, stop.
You can't keep letting yourself run away with scenarios that only exist inside your own head.
Okay, maybe there's still a... spark? But there's probably that type of thing for a lot of people with someone in their lives that meant a lot to them. We've got history, we had such a strong connection...We haven't seen each other in so long and never thought we would again.
It's there for now, but that's all it is. A temporary flutter of a flame brought on by these circumstances. He asked me to move on, I did. He said he wouldn't ask me to wait, he didn't either.
We aren't what we were. If we were supposed to be that, we would have found our way there before now.
As suspected, with both of us here it doesn't take long for Liam to drift off into a peaceful slumber. Even when I change him out of his suit into his pyjamas, he barely stirs.
"Do you want me to carry him to bed?" I shake my head, scooping Liam up into my own arms and taking him through to his own room. Usually I'd just let him crash with me but I have a feeling I won't be sleeping well tonight anyway, I don't want to risk waking him up.
He doesn't appear to want to let go of him, sticking by my side all the way into Liam's room, looking around and smiling at some of the changes we've made since he was a little kid. He's almost a teenager now, not that you'd guess it from how tiny and vulnerable he still is.
The moment that Liam is settled in his sheets, Miles leans down and leaves a kiss on his forehead, swiping away his fringe and stroking his thumb over Liam's temple.
"You've missed him..."
"Like you wouldn't believe."
Neither of us say a word again until we're downstairs, I'm not even sure what I can say to him at this point. I want to tell him thank you for coming and ask him a million questions about his life, but it just doesn't feel like the right time.
I can't make him stay, I know deep down I shouldn't have even asked him to come.
"I'm sorry about my reaction earlier." He finally speaks, pulling me from my thoughts. "I didn't mean to just run away after I found out that you and Xade are... I just wasn't expecting it. You're not wearing a ring or anything." His hand finds its way to his chest, for a moment I thought he was clutching at his heart but I realise he's just holding onto that necklace he seems to wear everywhere tucked under his shirt. "Not that you have to be wearing it or anything, it just might have made it easier to spot what was happening." He tries to laugh but there's no happiness in it.
"Trust me, it's not you that needs to apologise. We'd agreed not to tell anyone until after Brie and Steve had their party. I'm pretty pissed at him for the way he did that, I wouldn't have wanted you to find out that way." Miles leans against the back of the couch, his head facing down at the floor, focused on his Jordan's. He's been so confident up until now, so have I, but there's something in both of us that makes us drop any facade when we're alone.
"It wouldn't have mattered how I found out Josh, it would have felt the same." Oh Miles, don't fucking look like that, it just makes me want to fucking hug you. "Don't be pissed at him, you can't blame the guy for wanting to shout it from the rooftops that he's engaged to you... trust me. I of all people get it."
Why does he always have to be so fucking... perfect.
I want to ask him... I want to ask him so fucking bad about what May said.
He takes a deep breath, we both know that we need to get to a better place with each other but I think it's just still to raw right now. I know I wasn't prepared for it all to hit me like this, I'm not sure that he was either.
I just wish I knew what was going on inside his fucking head.
"I'd really like for us to be friends Milesss-o..." He chuckles as he removes his vision from the floor and peers up at me with those gorgeous hazel eyes through his insanely long lashes.
"You're the only person in the world I'd still let call me that... use it." Damn it Miles...
He pushes up from the couch, stepping in front of me but making sure to keep enough distance between us that he can't just lurch out and touch me even if he wanted to... Does he want to? "Are you happy Josh? Is he going to give you everything you want?"
Those are two very different fucking questions Miles.
I wish I could just know what the fuck he's thinking. Sometimes he's looking at me like nothing has changed for him, the next moment he's wishing me congratulations on my engagement and running out like the only thing I've ever done is cause him pain.
Up until yesterday I'd fucking convinced myself that he was happy in his life, that he probably only thought about me in passing when he's in a milkshake shop or when he saw a stack of blueberry pancakes. I thought this was what he wanted, this is what he told me he fucking wanted.
I thought... I thought...
"He wants everything that I want..." My voice is so fucking weak, I can see he can hear it but it's the best I can do for now.
He just looks at me, his eyes so fucking focused, a hundred questions shooting through them so fast I can't catch any.
Fuck it, I have to know.
"Was what May said true... Are you still... Is your heart still broken?" Fuck, my heart is beating in my ears, I'm not even sure what fucking answer I want here... I just have to know.
Miles sucks in air, like his body is starved of oxygen as we both just stand frozen in the middle of the house we once shared. He's fighting, his head and heart screaming at each other so fucking loudly... until his vision drops to my hand.
"It doesn't matter anymore."
Miles doesn't say another word, taking his keys back off the side quickly and nodding at me before he pulls open the front door, only to reveal someone on the other side about ready to knock.
Xade looks completely caught off guard seeing Milo standing in my house and I don't fucking blame him, my heart splinters when I see the shock on his face become quickly replaced with hurt.
Why the fuck am I doing this to him? This isn't me. I tell him to leave so me and Liam can be alone, but then I invite Miles over without a second fucking thought?
This isn't fair... I'm not being fair.
"Liam left this in my car... I didn't know if it would help him tonight." Xade holds up Liam's games console, Miles looks back at me then at him, not saying a word as he slips out the door and rushes back down to his car.
Xade lowers the games console onto the table by the door, he's trying to keep it under wraps but I can see how fucking pissed he is, how hurt, and I don't blame him.
I have to make this better. Miles walked back into my world today but he could walk back out of it tomorrow just as quickly. Xade is the one that's been here, he's the one that came for me.
I reach out and snap hold of his wrist as he tries to turn to walk away, pulling him back inside the house and shutting the door before I wrap my arms around him.
Causing him pain is the last fucking thing I want to do, he's been good to me, so fucking good to me. My head is fucked right now and I just need to sleep, but I'm not just going to let him leave.
"Nothing happened, he came over to see Liam." I know what he must be thinking, I'd never do that to him.
"I trust you Josh." Fuck, I don't know if I'm owed that right now. "I know that he's going to be a part of your life now that he's back... I just don't want him to take my part."
Fuck...
You owe him something Josh, you can't just leave him like this.
I take his hand, not saying another word but pulling him with me up the stairs and into my room. He's changed out of his suit, his open cotton shirt slipping over his head so easily until he's just in his sweats with his tattooed covered chest falling immediately into my bed.
He looks exhausted, the both of us are shit when it comes to feeling hurt. He was there for me when I fucking needed someone and for that I will always fucking love him.
I just don't know what the fuck to do now... This morning I was looking forward to finding out what our comfortable future held, excited to build it with someone I trust.
Now everything feels so fucked up.
Holding Xade's head to my chest, he wraps his whole body around me, never asking a single question but just accepting my embrace until his breathing steadies out and he drifts off into a peaceful sleep.
Every time I turn my head I'm hit with the lingering scent of Miles on my sheets, the scent alone making tears pool in my fucking eyes as I hold this wonderful man.
I feel like I've been given a gun with no bullets, like I should know what to do with it but I don't have the complete set.
I'm not in love with Xade. I'm not in love, but I know given enough time I could be. Love isn't always passionate, passion can fizzle out. Trust, honesty, respect; all things you need for a happy fucking life with someone, all things I have with him.
This could bloom into something beautiful if I try, if I commit to it. He adores me, he's patient with me, he makes mistakes and he fucks up but he's never afraid to say that he's sorry.
He wants everything from life that I do. Even if we never found love together I know that we have a love for each other that would still keep us happy. He's safe, he'll never leave.
Everything with Miles is so different. We've always been drawn to each other by a force greater than ourselves, even back when we knew we shouldn't be together we just couldn't stop. The problem with burning fire like that is eventually it burns out.
Or at least it should.
He's not the safe choice, he's someone who left my life years ago knowing he may never be able to walk back into it. Even now that he has, I still feel like there's still so much I don't know, so much I don't understand anymore.
I don't know what he wants, he won't fucking tell me and quite honestly his behaviour is so fucking mixed. There's still so much fucking chemistry, I can't pretend there isn't because we both know there is, but what if that's all it is?
That's not worth giving up a life for.
What if I throw all this away on a pull towards someone who only a few days ago was happily in a relationship with somebody else? It'll have been for nothing, I'd hurt everybody and I'd still end up with fucking nothing.
I only saw him again TODAY. One fucking day and I'm willing to do what exactly? Give up everything on the hope that maybe he wants me to? I can't fucking do that.
I can't be broken by him again. I won't fucking survive it.
He could just leave me again...
Even the fucking thought of him fucking leaving... I've barely seen him again and I'm already fucking terrified.
The hold he has on me... The way I just give myself to him so freely whenever we're close... It's too much.
Being with him... it's not the smart thing to do.
It's not the safe thing to do.
Xade slowly rolls away from me in his sleep, I turn onto my other side so I can have some space to breathe and stare at the box on my nightstand.
It's still in there.
I open the lid, the red box with the heartfelt ring this beautiful man gave me only days ago looking up at me, the same sparkling emeralds I see in his eyes glistening brightly.
But then I lift the dusty lid to the other compartment, and there sits another ring, one worth nowhere near the monetary value of the first but one that means fucking everything to me. A perfect silver band engraved with the stars above and four simple words that saved my soul long ago.
My heart cries out for me to pick one up but I don't move them, neither of them should be leaving that box right now. They're both symbols of promises my heart and mind are warring over whether I can keep.
Instead I turn over, looking at Xade's tattooed back and running my fingertips along the lines.
He's comforting... warm... but...
There's no sparks...
There's just...
There's no stars.