JOSH'S P.O.V
What the fuck are him and Xade talking about? They've been standing there for fucking ever!
"Ooooh the current lover meets the gorgeous ex out free in the wild... It's every gay man's nightmare." Charlie mumbles into his imaginary microphone, doing his very best impression of David fucking Attenborough, peering around the centrepieces and wearing a napkin on his head like a fucking safari hat. "They start the traditional mating ritual... fluttering their black feathers at each other whilst comparing notes on where Josh needs to improve in that very vanilla bedroom of his..."
Damn it Charlie, don't put that shit into my head!
They can't be... I mean they wouldn't...
Shut up Josh.
I don't even bother to answer him, I just can't rip my eyes away from them.
They both just keep glancing over at Liam, I don't think this conversation actually has anything to do with me. Damn I wish I could read lips, where's Hope when you need her?
The way he looks at Liam... fuck.
I can't believe the way that little man reacted to him when he walked in. I knew that they'd stayed in touch and that they'd seen each other a few times but I didn't expect them to still have that crazy bond.
When he stood there and just immediately pulled Liam into his arms... It was like no time had passed since I last saw them sitting on the couch smiling at each other, eating pizza and watching cartoons like nothing else in the world mattered.
It's all still there for them.
You'd never know how long it's been, Liam still looks up at him like he's his... stars.
Milo turns back to look at Xade, I wish I could fucking hear them. I'd give anything to-
Wait, why the fuck does he look upset?
He tries to hide it, Charlie is still rambling some shit from the chair next to me but my eyes are firmly locked on the man trying to get across the room without anybody seeing him.
Can no one else see this? Did no one else watch that?
Fuck, he needs... I just want to...
I want to talk to him.
You can't fucking talk to him Josh.
Well, you could, but...
No.
Yes.
I don't fucking know.
Xade walks back over and lowers a milkshake in front of me, one that I really couldn't care less about now.
"I got you mint chocolate too, that's your favourite right?" I nod at him but I can already feel my body being magnetised across the room.
Where the fuck did he go?
"Brie, where are the toilets in this place?" She turns to face me from her place on my brother's lap, almost pointing to the doors at the entrance way before catching Charlie's eye and changing her mind, smirking slightly as Charlie slams his hand down onto my leg to get my attention.
"I think there's one upstairs, you should probably go and check, see if you can find it... take as long as you need." Why are they both smiling like that?
Upstairs.
I push my chair out from under me just as Xade grabs hold of my wrist.
"Is everything okay? Do you want me to come with you?"
"Jesus Christ, he's a big fucking boy, he can hold his own dick and everything. Just let him go." Brie retorts in a tone that feels unnecessarily harsh for this situation.
Al mercifully draws Xade into a conversation about her children, that currently look like they have fucking rabies with the amount of whipped cream on their faces, distracting him long enough that I can slip through the crowd of the room and straight up the metal staircase to the balcony above before I can overthink it.
Why is my heart pounding like this? Now I'm standing on this level I swear that I don't even have to look to know where he is, I just have to follow my fucking instincts.
My feet pause on the plush navy carpet as I look to the bottom of the walkway, to see the double doors at the end wide open and a perfectly crafted figure leant against the railings of the balcony, basked in starlight.
In so many ways he's changed, in other ways he's clearly exactly the fucking same.
Always searching out stars.
With every step I take closer I can feel the ringing in my ears just getting louder. What the fuck am I even going to say to him?
I don't know why I'm here, I don't know why I'm doing this.
Maybe it will be a good thing Josh, this way you two get to talk without everybody staring at you like you're some kind of fucking soap opera TV show, you can just find some middle ground.
You need to find a way to be... friends?
He's moving back here, it's not like you're not going to see him around anymore. You two both have to find a way to be around each other, it's not fair on everybody else to have to keep revolving their lives around keeping you both apart.
I open my mouth to speak as I reach the doorway but nothing comes out, I can't even see his face but my hand still tightens on my beer bottle so hard it's one squeeze away from fucking shattering.
He looked beautiful across the room but up close... Fuck me.
His chocolate hair is so long now you could wrap your fucking fist in it, he's gained so much size over the last few years that I'm pretty sure that suit would fucking drown me.
Of course he looks good Josh, you honestly couldn't have expected that he'd look anything else. He's always been fucking gorgeous.
But it doesn't matter, it's not why you're here.
He keeps his head facing the land of the house outside, never letting his eyes flutter to the sky above. It's odd for him, with the stars this bright he'd usually be fucking lost in them.
Maybe things have changed...
You just need to take a step Josh, he's not going away and this isn't going away, so just take a step.
Say something... anything... just take the first step.
"Hey, should've known I'd find you out here." Maybe next time say it like you're not fucking crumbling inside, pull your shit together.
His body stiffens at the sound of my voice, his hand gripping the railing of the balcony like a cold shiver has just run up his spine.
Did you ever think that maybe he didn't want to fucking see you Josh? Doesn't want to talk to you?! That maybe he was happy with things the way they were, now you're just backing him into a fucking corner!
You're such a dickhead.
My legs attempt to take a step back, suddenly desperate to remove themselves from this situation, but then he turns... and everything changes.
It's always those fucking eyes.
How anyone around him manages to get anything done with something that enchanting in the room is a fucking miracle.
He's always been handsome, always had strong features, but somehow they've just gotten stronger. He looks more defined, more dignified. He's not got that glow of youth about him anymore... instead it's been replaced by something so much more fucking charming, but I see it suddenly appear again in his eyes as the most precious smile spreads across his face.
"Well, you always did have a way of finding me on a balcony."
Damn that voice.
I don't know if it's the open air or maybe this place just has incredible fucking acoustics... Whatever it is, he sounds so much more fucking intense, like every word he speaks has an undertone of unsaid meaning.
I try my very best not to look anywhere but at his face as he leans back against the railings on his elbows, but it's not working. He always looks so fucking cool, like the world just spins around him without ever making him dizzy.
His broad chest takes up so much space that I'm not sure I'll fit on this balcony with him as I take a step forward. Jesus, I can see his fucking abs through his shirt... I bet I look like a fucking mess to him right now.
Pull your shit together Josh, just pull your shit together.
Milo turns back to face the darkening land behind the house, moving to the side to make room for me silently. I step next to him, trying to ignore the hammering in my chest and making sure to keep a clear distance between us as we both rest our elbows on the railing and stare out into the abyss.
I don't want this to be weird for us, we've never been that way.
"You don't want a real drink?" I question, glancing down at the bottle of coke in his hands before realising I'm already peeling the label of my own beer. Stop it, he'll think your nervous.
I mean you are, but he doesn't need to know that.
He shakes his head as he chuckles, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a set of car keys before waving them at me.
He looks so happy, I'm happy for him. He never deserved to lose his licence in the first place, it must be nice for him to be back behind the wheel. "You're driving again?"
"Yeah, had my licence back for six months now." Six months... So, he could've come back at anytime since then. "But I wouldn't be able to drink even if I wasn't, Brie would kill me if I sang drunk at her... wedding? To be honest I'm not entirely sure what this is." He chuckles, but when the words leave his lips I end up choking on my swig of beer, only making him laugh more.
He's....
"You're singing tonight?"
Holy shit.
There's no hiding the hint of humour in his face as he smirks, offering me his own coke to stop my choking as I split out my words.
I can't take that... I'd be able to taste your lips on it.
"I'm going to take that reaction to mean that Brie didn't tell you about that part?" I shake my head, watching him pull the bottle of coke back to his smile, the thing looks so tiny in his giant hand. "Yeah, she asked me last week. You know that you can't say no to her, not that I would, I'm kind of used to performing now anyway."
I know he is, Charlie still as the poster from when he performed at the benefit for the Wilson Art Foundation last year. I haven't seen it but I'm guessing from Charlie's reaction to the thing that he isn't wearing a fucking shirt.
"I bet... I was kind of surprised when Al told me that you switched your major your first year to music though... Not that you aren't really talented, obviously!" I quickly add when I see him raise his brow at me. Were his eyelashes always that fucking long? "I just thought the stars were where your heart is."
Astronomy was kind of made for him.
He looks down at the coke in his hand, trying to fiddle with the label just like I was moments ago but that thing is stuck on good. What happened? Why did he quit?
He pauses, taking a deep breath and letting his eyes float to the sky, they widen so fucking much, like he hasn't seen the world above him for a long time.
"They were... I was just struggling to look at them after I got there."
Fuck.
He tries to pull it back but I can see the pain flicker in his eyes as he glances up at the glowing balls of energy above us, it fucking hurts me.
I never wanted that.
After he left, I know he didn't have anyone there with him, but I thought he still had them. I thought that they were still protecting him when I wasn't.
He lost the fucking stars too...
Talk about something else Josh, anything else.
"I didn't realise that you and Luke were together now." You'd think Liz would've mentioned something.
Whatever pain was in his face moments ago disappears as he bursts out into hysterical laughter. That laugh, I think it's still the most contagious one I've ever heard.
"Me and Luke... Trust me, it's definitely not like that. He's just my favourite college roommate with serious emotional issues and the ability to be driven insane by a Parker sister."
Funny, I had one of them too.
Why do I feel so fucking relieved?
"So, Eli and Luke? Are they still..."
"It's complicated." He answers quickly. I kind of want to ask more questions but that definitely feels like a story for another time. "How's your mum? I thought she might be here, Liam told me that she's around a lot more now."
Of course he did. He loves her almost as much as he seems to love you still.
"She is, after she came back that Christmas she decided she didn't want to spend so much time away from Liam. She stays on dry land a lot more now." It's good to have her close, not sure how she's going to feel about everything when she gets home. "This is her and my aunt's first cruise in like nine months, that's a good run away from the sea for them." He smiles, a genuine one this time. We both let ourselves slip into silence, letting the darkness blanket us and taking a moment to just breathe.
He's the only person I can ever do this with without it feeling so fucking awkward...
Honestly, it's painful how comfortable we are around each other already.
Maybe we can do this, find a way to be around each other, look how we are now? A few sentences and already it feels so fucking natural... like nothing has changed. I hadn't even realised we we're edging closer together until I started to feel the heat from his arm radiate against my own.
That's okay, it's cold out here, that's natural too.
"So, you and Xade huh?" He doesn't look upset, I don't know why I thought he would but he doesn't, he's just asking the question.
"Yeah.... kinda." Why the fuck are you saying kinda Josh? Why would you say it like that? You're fucking engaged to the man!
Shit, okay so maybe I'm not so calm. My heart is still racing, my hands are fucking sweating...
Being this close to him shouldn't be doing this to you. It's not fucking right Josh...
"I'm glad you're happy Josh, you know that's all I ever wanted for you." His words feel like razor blades cutting on the surface of my fucking heart, mostly because I know he means them absolutely. He truly has only ever wanted me to be happy.
I am.. I am happy... I'm...
He smells so fucking good.
I let my eyes travel over to him again, the moonlight enriching his features in an ethereal glow as he finally lets those stars bring him some comfort.
There's my... fuck.
"Thanks... I was sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend split up, I hope it wasn't too rough." He looks good, he doesn't look like his heart was smashed into a million pieces, I'm glad. There must have been something wrong with her anyway... Who the fuck would ever let him get away from them if they had a fucking choice?
He hesitates at my words, his bottom lip slipping between his teeth so perfectly that I have to tear my eyes away from him again. He knows he can't do that around me... he fucking knows what that does to me.
Did to you Josh... Did to you.
Stop it.
I firmly glue my gaze to the stars above us instead of his perfectly pouted lip, I can hear him releasing breaths next to me like he's wrestling with words, before finally he just sighs with defeat.
"Thanks." Maybe this breakup did hit him harder than he's letting people believe, there's definitely a struggle within him.
His eyes are on me, I remain looking at the stars but I know they are. When we were together we could be in a room full of people but I could always fucking feel them... that hasn't changed either. "Do you still remember any of the stuff I taught you?"
Now my eyes snap to his.
Do I remember...? I mean he taught me a lot of stuff... He can't be talking about...
The corners of his lips turn up in that sexy fucking smirk of his, his eyes fluttering on beat with my heart for just a moment before he winks and nods to the sky.
He was talking about the fucking stars Josh, if you remember any of the stuff he taught you about the fucking stars. He's not talking about the stuff that just makes your underwear want to crawl right off your fucking body.
I look up at the masked illusion of night... I remember everything he taught me.
Leaning in towards him just slightly, just enough that he can follow my finger as I point out the three stars right where they always are, just the way that he taught me to.
"Ursa Major, some people call that part of it the Big Dipper but that's technically not a constellation." His smirk turns into a full grin at the same words pouring from my lips that he spoke the very first time he taught me anything about this beautiful sky.
It's so peaceful out here, I can't even hear the party inside anymore even though I know I should. I don't think I've felt this relaxed in a long fucking time, the cool air whipping past my skin and drowning out the feeling of anything but the body of warmth next to me.
He's just so... calming. My soul feels at fucking peace.
How do we always end up on balconies together? It's where we kissed for the first time, where he asked me to be his, where we became lost in each other the night I surrendered myself to him completely.
Our whole relationship we were just trying to be part of the life outside of it, free and open trying to get ourselves closer to those stars. It was never about me or him, it was about us being together as part of the wider world too.
We were so fucking open... so happy.
Fuck Josh, stop.
"I can't believe you remember that."
Of course I fucking remember it... I remember everything. I just can't let it take me over again... I just can't.
He turns his face to look at me, his eyes find mine and it's so fucking intense. Being this close to him, being able to see the sprinkle of gold in his fucking eyes and having his scent become wrapped around me like a blanket on a cold night... Being around him is like falling off the edge of a cliff, your heart racing knowing you're going to meet your end, only for you to land directly in your own bed, finding yourself safe at home.
Fear, passion, comfort, hurt...
His eyes grow wider, almost as if he can read my mind and knows exactly what I'm thinking. He's always had that ability, he's always been able to do so much that nobody else ever could. He made me feel, he made me believe, he made me love again... He's the only man that's been able to make me feel completely naked in a single look.
Say it.
"I remember everything, Miles."
He loses his grip on his bottle, the glass falling from his hand and shattering on the ground below but neither of us move, I couldn't if I fucking wanted to.
I didn't think, I didn't mean to call him that, it just slipped out.
We just fall so naturally into each other, it's so fucking hard not to just let my mind runaway with my fucking heart when he looks at me the way he always used to fucking look at me.
Josh....
I don't know which one of us pushed forward, I don't know if it was me being drawn to him or him being drawn to me, or neither of us taking a step, just the angels pushing against us until the side of his hand on the railing brushes up against my own.
A single touch.
But a lifetime of memories.
The warm comforting embrace of his skin, the sparks that fly throughout my being like nothing I've ever experienced before. He feels it too, I didn't even realise my eyes had closed until I threw them back open to find him doing the same thing.
Josh. Don't.
I force myself to look away from his face, I can't take all the emotions bubbling up inside of me right now...
They're not righ-
But then I see it.
Right above his head, almost as if it's fucking crowning him.
He sees me gazing off into the distance, turning around to see what caught my eye, before I hear his breath hitch in his throat as he realises it too.
A falling star.
A star fell from the sky the moment that his hand touched mine.
He turns back to look at me, both of us almost admitting defeat as we smile widely.
Fuck he's so beautiful.
We've always had an effect on the universe...
Maybe we.. Maybe it's a-
"There you are." Xade's voice snaps me back to the land of the living like being woken up from a mesmerising dream with a bucket of fucking ice water.
What the fuck am I doing?!
That wasn't okay Josh. Thinking that, feeling that. It wasn't okay.
Miles seems to realise it too, quickly pulling his hand away so the tiny touch it had against mine is lost completely as Xade steps out onto the balcony and wraps his arms around my waist. "I just wanted to make sure that you're alright, you've been gone for a while, Liam was wondering where you are."
Liam. Shit.
"Sorry, we were just talking. Lost track of time." Xade nods, pulling me back against his chest and resting his chin on my shoulder. He's not usually the possessive type but I guess if I walked up here to see him talking like that with his ex... Yeah, I'd be a bit more tactile too.
I shouldn't have done that.
Miles scratches the back of his neck uncomfortably, this is probably the last situation he wanted to be in today.
"That's okay, you guys have a lot to catch up on." Xade confirms understandingly, letting one of his arms slip from my waist and capturing my hand as he rubs his thumb over my finger. "Babe, why aren't you wearing your ring?"
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Why did he... Why would he... Why would he fucking say that right now?!
Miles glances down at Xade stroking over my ring finger, the realisation hitting him like a fucking truck, so hard that he can't even cover the shock on his face.
Or the hurt.
No...
I force Xade's arm from around my waist, turning to glare at him until I watch him fucking crumble under the realisation of how fucking hurt I am right now. He gives me a look of innocence but it's bullshit, we both know why he fucking did that. I get that he's feeling a pit possessive, and he's not entirely wrong to feel that way, but that was a fucking dick move.
He's opening his mouth trying to find the right words to say to fix this but I don't want to fucking hear them.
We agreed not to say shit to anyone, this wasn't his decision to make, especially not here and now... especially not to tell him.
I'm so angry I feel like I could fucking explode, tuning to face Miles ready to explain but I realise it's too late, his mask is already firmly in place. I haven't seen it in so fucking long, not since that day that he walked into my office with all the cocky attitude in the world masking the vulnerable beauty underneath.
Please don't fucking look at me like that. Not me.
"I-I didn't know... Nobody told me..." He's fucking stumbling now. He never stumbles... Shit. Pulling in a deep breath and finding himself again, his strength shines through brightly as he smiles the fake smile he's never once used with me before. I hate this. "Congratulations."
"Thank you, Milo." Xade responds but it's weak at best, he knows he just really fucked up here.
I can't even look at him, I can't look at Miles either. I don't know what was worse, the look of pain on his face or the clear mask that he has up now.
I know he's not in love with me anymore, but that moment just then shows me that there's still.... something. Something that both of us need to get over, some left over shit we need to deal with. I didn't realise that this would hurt him so much though.
Who are you fucking kidding Josh? If you found out he was engaged right now... You'd be in fucking pieces.
"I'd ummm.. I'd better go get ready," He states, glancing down at the chunky watch on his wrist. "Brie wants me on in ten minutes."
He finally lets his eyes guide back to mine, his lips parting and closing again like he's desperate to fucking say something but just won't let the words leave him.
What do you have to say Miles? You know you can tell me fucking anything...
Whatever it was, he decides against it, slipping past me whilst making sure to never let an inch of his body touch mine before shuffling through the doors and back down into the party. Every step he takes away from me feels like someone smashing a hammer against my heart.
I never meant to hurt him.
He's my...