Shit.
I don't know what hurts me more, hearing Liam called that again by someone else, or hearing him be called that by Xade.
I try to step in close to the machine, there's three others so I figure if I just keep my eyes glued to this one then they'll go to the other end. I'm pretty sure I just made me a chocolate and fucking pineapple one through my distraction but May can fucking drink it, she's the one that made me come here and she's definitely eaten worse shit.
"I'll have... Milo?" Shit. "What one are you having?"
I tilt my head slightly to the right, being greeted by Liam's giant smile with Xade standing directly behind him.
Stop looking at me with your brother's beautiful face Liam...
What the fuck do I do here?
You do what you always do Milo, you fake it.
Standing tall, I plaster the biggest grin I can muster onto my face before extending my hand to Xade. He doesn't hesitate, clutching it quickly and shaking it firmly with his delicate own one.
"It's good to see you Milo, you're looking well." Okay, so we're doing overly pleasant then, no problem.
"Thanks, you too, I like all the black." I chuckle as Xade looks down at my own outfit... this is so fucking awkward.
Alright dude stop checking me out, your boyfriend is right over there.
Jesus Christ Milo, he's probably imagining all the ways he could drown you in milkshake. Shut the fuck up.
I return my attention to the machine, glancing over the options but not really taking them in. "I'd say go with the chocolate little man, you can't go wrong with chocolate." Liam smiles widely at me, Xade goes to hand him one of the glasses but he just steps under his arm and get his own.
Fucking power move, little man.
I love it.
I want to laugh but I actually feel bad for the guy, it's clear that he's trying with Liam but the worst thing you can do is try and force a kid like that to like you, you have to take it at their pace. He's grown but that part of him hasn't changed.
"What flavour should we get for Josh, Liam?" Why does him saying that name sound... wrong. So fucking wrong.
Liam goes to open his mouth but quickly snaps it shut again, looking between me and Xade like he's trying to figure something out before finally turning back to the blonde bombshell.
"I don't know, do you know what his favourite flavour is?" I stand watching May's glass fill to the top, expecting to hear the right answer from Xade but surprisingly there's nothing.
Does he seriously not know?
"I'm not sure... Maybe we should just go with chocolate for him as well? We could get him the white chocolate one so it's different than yours?" Xade asks hopefully, but it just makes Liam glare at him. Josh fucking hates white chocolate.
"I don't think he'd like that... I think he'd like... Milo? Do you know what Josh's favourite flavour is?"
Jesus Christ Liam do not do this to me.
When I look at him his smile is so innocent, you'd think he was being sweet, but his eyes tell a very different fucking story. He knows full well what flavour is Josh's favourite and he knows that I know it too. Is he trying to prove a fucking point here?
This kid has spent way too much time with fucking Heather, he's starting to enjoy putting people on the fucking spot.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I should just let him do the fucking white chocolate one and save myself the embarrassment shouldn't I? But Liam just keeps looking at me with those fucking eyes, he starting to become more powerful than his damn brother with them.
Fucking hell... fine.
"Mint chocolate, we all know it's his favourite." I can't even look at Xade but I know he's pissed. I'd be fucking raging if I was him too but it's not like he can show it in front of Liam. "You'll need to make that with-"
"Oat milk, yeah thanks, that one I actually do know." Xade chuckles, but there's very little humour in it.
Okay time to leave Milo. Leave the vicinity, leave the country... are they still accepting applicants for that colony on Mars?
Liam places his own glass under the machine, setting it to fill with a mint chocolate milkshake as I add an extra three cherries to May's drink, only to have Liam wrap his arms around my waist just as I pick it up to leave.
"I've missed you." Oh little man, you have no idea how much I've missed you too. "You're not going away again right? You're home now?"
I can feel Xade's eyes on us but he doesn't say a word, I ignore him as I run my hand through Liam's hair. He's too fucking precious.
"I'm not going away again, I'm not going anywhere."
Heather walks straight past us as Liam starts to unwrap himself from my waist with a smile, taking the milkshake I just made for May in one hand and Liam's hand in the other. May sent her over here to get it because I was taking too fucking long didn't she? That woman has no fucking patience.
"I'm glad that you two still have that bond. He's not an easy kid too be able to make that relationship with... it's a good thing he's got it with you... gives me hope I'll get there with him one day." Xade remarks before I can run away, squirting a mile high of whipped cream onto Josh's milkshake.
I should walk away, I shouldn't give a shit. This guy isn't my problem and if he can't get through to Liam I shouldn't involve myself but... it's just not who I am.
"Don't push him, just don't push him and you'll do fine." Damn you and your fucking conscious Milo Thompson! "He's the kind of kid that sets his boundaries early, all you've got to do is respect them and he'll let them push a little further. Even basic stuff with Liam can be a lot, don't make him talk so don't ask too many questions and definitely don't try to give him a hug if he's not ready for it. He'll get there, he just needs some patience."
There, now you can sleep at night knowing your a good person... completely alone before you die and get eaten by your twenty cats all called Josh.
Fucking hell.
"Thanks, I actually appreciate that." I really wish I could hate him, but he's just not a bad fucking person.
"Glad I could help... He's a good kid, he deserves to have everyone around him love him." Especially the people that won't ever cause him pain by leaving him the way I did.
"I plan to be in his life for a long time, I can give him all the time that he needs to get us there."
My fucking heart...
I know that he meant that to be reassuring, but it just feels like my stomach was ripped out.
A future. That's what he gets with Liam, that's what he gets with all of them. I have him now but he'll have him then...
It won't be me at Liam's college graduation, it'll be him. He'll be the one moving him into his first apartment and sitting in the front row at his wedding... he'll be the one Liam will smile about one day to his own kids, telling the story of how he was raised in a house filled with so much love for him...
Fuck, I need to get out of here.
I try not to walk away too quickly, I don't want him to fucking know what that just did to me. Giving Xade a nod, I make sure to keep my head low as I bypass Luke and May at each others throats and walk straight through the ballroom to the staircase on the other side.
I don't even know where the fuck it leads but I know that it will get me somewhere that isn't here.
Don't cry Milo. Don't you fucking dare.
You knew this would happen. When you walked out of that wedding this is what you asked for, you knew what you were giving up.
Up here is quiet, the stairs just lead onto a maisonette balcony that looks down on the ballroom below, but I don't really want to be looking at all of them now. I'm grateful when I spot a set of double doors on the other end of the walkway that lead to an outdoor balcony.
My pulse is trying to jump out of my neck, that same pain that I felt the day I found out Josh and Xade were together hitting me all over again.
When me and Ash started fake dating I thought about calling Josh to tell him the truth, but it had been a fucking year since we'd spoken to each other. You can't just pick up the phone to call your ex after three and a half years to tell them your fake dating someone, with the hope that maybe they're still fucking waiting for you too.
I told Jayce that if he asked, if he mentioned anything to him or Lee about me being with someone, to just tell him, but if he was happy in his life now then just leave it. I wasn't going to force my way in and it wouldn't make a difference anyway, at that point he didn't have custody of Liam so I still had to stay away.
Then he got custody of him, everything fucking changed. I waited for him all fucking night, I kept my phone next to my fucking hand just looking at the screen. I figured even if he knew about Ash he'd still send me a message to say he got custody, to tell me we could fucking talk now, then I would be able to tell him the truth and let him decide what he wanted to do with it.
I'd give him the choice I stole from him last time.
Six months. He's had six fucking months where he could have called me at any fucking time... but why would he? We aren't anything to each other anymore.
Eli, May, Luke... Everyone has been telling me for so long that I have to get over this, that I have to accept that when I left I knew what I was leaving behind.
I made a choice.
Now so has he.
I don't regret it, it kills me, but seeing Liam this happy and fucking healthy is enough to know that I made the right decision.
If faking that I'm okay for everyone around me to be able to get on with their lives is the price for that, I'm willing to pay it.
It's just harder today.
Pulling open the double doors, I'm hit with the crisp cold night air that finally makes me feel like I can breathe again. My head spins so bad at the sudden hit of oxygen I have to throw myself forward into the balcony and grip onto the railing just to keep me upright on my feet.
This was too much. You'd prepared yourself well to see him... but not to see them.
I just didn't think it would hurt this much, time is supposed to heal all these fucking wounds.
The night sky sparkles down on me as I continue to breathe calmly but I can't even look at it, I find no solace in the stars the way I once did. Now when I look at them all I see is–
"Hey, should've known I'd find you out here."
Josh.