"You know you don't have to watch me, right?" Xade sits against the wall on the further side of the gym, I've only got two sets left of my entire workout routine and he hasn't turned a damn page in that book the entire time so I think he needs to stop pretending that he's reading now.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, this book is fucking thrilling." I chuckle so hard I almost drop my fucking dumbbell, he's such an idiot sometimes.
This is why I like having him around, he actually makes me smile.
His eyes flitter again over the top of his book as I lay down on the bench, that tiny smirk on his face just getting wider with every bar that I press.
Perv.
I used to be a first thing in the morning workout person but over the last few years I've taken to evening sessions too, I'm pretty sure that I've never been in better shape, yet sometimes it feels like when I start I can't stop. I need the gym high to keep me going.
Xade finally gives in, walking over and standing behind my head to spot me, even though we both know his arms would fall off if he tried to take this weight off me. He's strong, he's just not Josh strong.
"How much have you got left?" He asks after my thirtieth rep, I've got so much pent up frustration still left over from Brie the other day I could do another fucking thirty.
"One more set here, then I was going to do a run. The machine is kind of loud so I don't usually do it in the evenings but since Liam isn't here..." Xade nods, gently guiding the bar back to its spot before reaching down and placing a kiss on my sweat soaked shoulder.
"Okay, I'll go order us some food for when you're done. Is he back early in the morning or can I crash here?" He's always so fucking respectful, I know that he's desperate to build a relationship with Liam but he's never tried to force his way in, they've met a few times but only once since we've been an actual couple.
Liam knows that we're dating but always seems to avoid talking about it when I bring it up, both me and Xade agreed that we wouldn't tell him about the engagement until after the party tomorrow, we aren't going to tell anyone else either, I know it's not their wedding day technically but I don't want to steal focus from Brie and Steve.
"Pretty sure he'll be with Heather until lunchtime, you're good to stay." I reply, swiping away the sweat from my temples. I've really hit it hard today, too much shit on my mind and no way to work it off otherwise.
He reaches down, turning me on the bench to face him and leaning on the bar to look down at me with those striking features. He really is so unique, there's some people you meet and you pass four of them on the way to lunch that day, but it's not that way with him, he's special.
"Okay, I'll go get my stuff from the car... It's going to be nice when we don't have to bring stuff back and forth to each other's houses anymore. We should probably let Liam pick his own room at my place soon, I'll get people in to decorate it however he wants before you guys move in."
Fuck, we're really doing this.
Xade kisses the top of my head before leaving the gym, the moment he does I just glance around the empty room. I've never felt particularly attached to this house, it's never been my home. I've always been the type of person to find my home in the people around me, not the four walls, yet I just can't imagine living in Xade's massive place yet.
It'll be different when I get there, that house is beautiful, I'm sure Liam is going to love it.
I just still can't let go of... never mind.
I slip my headphones in and set the machine to give me a good hard run. Xade's been at work all day, if I stay in here long enough then the food will arrive and he'll pass out pretty soon after that. I just can't be dealing with the weird awkwardness that comes every time we find ourselves in bed together.
It's not as bad as it used to be, the first time that he lay down in bed with me I almost freaked. I didn't mean to, it just felt kind of weird to have a man's hands on me again...
He's been so fucking patient though, never pushing me for more. I know he's desperate to, sometimes he looks at me like he's about three seconds away from jumping my fucking bones, but he doesn't. He understands that I'm just not there yet.
I want to be, something is just holding me back.
I've had blocks in relationships before, this is just mine for this one. I'll get there.
At least some parts of our contact has gotten easier; I don't jump every time he puts his arm around me anymore, I don't back away when we lay on the couch, and I actually enjoy holding him now. It gives me that same feeling I have holding Al or Brie, that sense of familiar comfort.
Oh Brie. Yeah, she's really not okay with this.
If it was anybody else I'd tell them to go to hell, I'd think they were being a controlling fuck and trying to dictate my life, but that's not her. She just wants more for me and I get that, I just don't think she can see that I'm okay with what I've got.
When... Milo... left at her wedding, it was like she forgot that day was supposed to be about her and abandoned it without a second thought, she just held me all night. Her and Steve should have been having the best night of their fucking lives but neither of them cared, they just looked after me as I fell the fuck apart. She couldn't understand why he did it at first, she was actually pretty angry until she spoke with Jayce.
After that she just focused on trying to keep me grounded, even through her pregnancy with Luna she made sure she was there for me. She's probably the most incredible person I know.
Although, there were definitely times when her hormones got the better of her back then and we all gave her a wide fucking berth. The stories I could tell... Brie being pregnant was... interesting. Yes, we'll go with interesting.
Brie giving birth was a whole other fucking story. If she wasn't sure whether her and Steve wanted kids before that, then by the time she reached that final push she most definitely fucking was. There is not enough money in the world that would make her do that again.
Fuck was it worth it though. Watching Han and Charlie hold the baby they had used every prayer and wish they had too hope for, I can't even think about it without having my eyes fill up. I've never seen happiness like that, true happiness.
Even when Brie was being stitched back together, all she could do was look at the three of them with tears running down her face. To put yourself through that for other human being, the sacrifice she made of her own body and mind for all those months, no matter what she said on that balcony - I could never be mad at her. She is the best person that I know.
I force up the speed of the machine, my heart pounding but it's not enough. I need the distraction, I need the buzz. Thinking about how those two got their happy ever after, how everyone did, is a reminder that I might finally be getting something similar now too... finally.
I'm going to guess that Liam has been making playlists on my music account again, I don't recognise most of these songs and they aren't exactly gym motivators. I mean, is this last one was-
"Hey Josh..."
No.
Milo's beautiful voice trickles through my headphones into my ears but it feels like I'm being hit directly into my soul. Slamming the stop button on the machine, I try to scramble over to my phone to make it stop before it hits but I'm too fucking late.
🎵"Oh I'm a mess..."🎵
No.
Please don't do this to me.
My fingers finally find my phone amongst the towels, about to push down on the skip button but something in my body just won't let me do it.
Do it Josh. You know you have to.
🎵"Well this is more than anything I've felt before..."🎵 He really does have the most amazing fucking voice.
Dropping down onto the bench, I glance up at the door to make sure no one's coming back in before just closing my eyes.
One minute. You can have one minute.
I haven't listened to this in so long. When he first left I had to listen to it every fucking night, it tore my spirit in half each time but it was the only way I could get Liam to sleep. Only way I could get him to stop crying. For a while it was the only thing that calmed me too, for Liam I think it still is.
He hides it well now, but I know. I know that boy better than he knows himself.
The first Christmas after Milo left, he went with Eli to England so he didn't have to come home, the next year to see Zoe in New York. I could see Tara was missing him so last year I took Liam to Australia to visit Kallie. He went crazy for the baby koala bears, it was a good Christmas... Milo would have fucking loved it. We had some turbulence on the way there though and Liam started to freak, he's still not great with loud noises or fearful situations after everything he's been through, so he immediately slipped his headphones in to block it out and I knew what he was playing.
Al told me Milo switched his major from astrology to music at some point during his first year, after he started talking to Liam regularly again he sent him some different recordings from his classes. I haven't listened to them, I fucking couldn't, but I'm glad Liam has them.
Since the day he left, I've only heard him sing something other than this song one time. At the end of his third year they had to do a big showcase performance, all the gang went to watch, it was the first time that they were going to be able to hear him sing live so they couldn't hide their excitement from me.
She said it was an accident, but I don't believe her. Hope had taken Liam out for a few hours, I was just sitting on my couch when my phone started to ring. When I saw it was Brie calling from the campus I picked it up straight away, except she didn't say a word, the only thing I could hear was him.
He was... fucking unbelievable, not that I ever expected him to be anything less. I don't know whether it was Al or Tara crying, but even that couldn't drown him out. I listened to the entire thing with water running down my cheeks, I would have given anything to be there with him in that moment, to be able to show him how fucking proud I am of him. I know I couldn't back then but I was so fucking desperate to.
He's come so fucking far....
I can't believe I have to see him tomorrow...
Fuck, stop thinking about him.
You have to Josh. You haven't been like this for fucking months, your finally happy. It's just because people are talking about him, he's just at the front of your mind but you need to push him back. It's like getting a song stuck in your head, it doesn't mean anything.
🎵"I found one I love."🎵
He doesn't feel this way about you anymore Josh, you don't feel that way about him. You've moved on, he's moved on. You made a fucking promise to yourself to find some happiness and you have, you have to keep that promise.
He changed my whole life, I'm always going to be grateful to him for that. He kissed me and the world suddenly went from black and white to fucking colour. I owe him everything, he's the reason I have this life now.
The door on the other side of the room opens, Xade pops his head of blonde hair around before smiling widely and holding out a glass of iced tea.
He's so fucking sweet.
It's him now, Josh. You made it him.
I smile back at him, stopping the precious music that I realise now had already finished, before walking over and taking the drink from his hands. I scoop my hand behind his head and place my lips down on his cheek, watching that smile of his only grow as he looks at me with nothing but love.
What I have for him may not be what he has for me yet, but I'll get there. I want to get there. I just have to let it in.
I have to let him in.