FOUR YEARS LATER – JOSH'S P.O.V.
"Will you marry me?"
Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.
Please tell me he's fucking kidding... He's not actually doing this.
The whole restaurant is looking at us, what the fuck am I supposed to do here...
We've only been going out for three months!
Shit, that ring has more sparkle in it than his emerald eyes.
OK Josh, just breathe. I really wish he would stop looking at me like that. Xade knows when he looks at me like that I just can't say no to him.
It's the same look he gave me sitting on my couch the day that started this whole fucking thing.
My life was very fucking different six months ago.
Six months ago I didn't have my business. Six months ago I didn't have custody of Liam. Six months ago my heart still felt like it could never be put back together again.
Things are different now.
Xade invited me to that social workers fundraiser every year, but I never responded. I always kind of felt awful about not turning up the first time he gave me the tickets but I just couldn't see anyone outside of my family after Miles...left.
Unless I was going to court with Liam or turning up at work, me and my little man pretty much decided that leaving the house served no purpose. It didn't stop the invitations coming though, something I appreciated. A few months ago, Brie was helping me to pack up my office after me and Charlie quit, when she came across the invitation for the fundraiser and told me that I had to get back out into the world again.
I thought it would be really fucking awkward. Me and Xade hadn't spoken to each other outside of a few emails here and there for over three years. He'd checked in on me after he found out about me and... yeah, but otherwise we kept it pretty business casual.
Fuck, why does even thinking his name do this to me?
Milo.
You have to start calling him Milo.
You know that you have to see him soon and you can't be fucking calling him that...
That day was kind of a fucking whirl wind. Actually that whole fucking week was.
It's funny how nothing and everything can happen in your life in such a short period of time.
It all started the month before the fundraiser, I'd been receiving threats, nothing too frightening, more just trying to intimidate me. Hannah was on it quickly and it didn't take long to find the cause.
Not that we all didn't already know who was behind it.
Chrissy.
When I look back on it now, it's kind of fucking hilarious. She really unravelled in prison; without anything there to make her feel superior to everybody else she just didn't know how to cope. She threw all her energy into making my life as difficult as fucking possible, even Stephanie dropped her professional face a few times at some of the shit this woman came out with from behind bars. Turns out she's as stupid as she is easy though.
When she realised that she wasn't going to be able to use being Liam's mother to get her an early release while he was happy in my care, she decided to come up with a plan to try and scare me into giving him up to the system. As if that would ever fucking happen.
She fucked her way through every woman willing to touch her in that prison, even a few of the guards, convincing them to use their outside contacts to send me threats. Of course she rode too many faces and it all came back on her, her fuck-buddies told the cops everything to save their own necks, it didn't add too much to her jail time but it got us what we needed. The day we got her confession was the day that Stephanie put the application into court to strip her of her rights and Hannah got me a nice fancy restraining order.
I still remember that day so fucking clearly, it was one of the best and worst of my life.
I stood in front of the judge and heard him tell me that Liam was mine, no going back, no more social workers, no more Chrissy – just mine. I lost it, even Stephanie lost it, Brie and Tara were a fucking mess. We all jumped in the bug the moment we got out and drove straight to Al's to tell Liam that he'd never have to leave me again... but I only had one thought running around in my head:
Miles.
Liam got in the car and I could see in his eyes he was thinking the same thing, even after all these years. I never lied to Liam, I didn't ever want him to feel responsible for Milo leaving but I wanted him to know how much he loved him, how much he still loves him. He's asked questions over the years and I've answered them as honestly as I could, he's a smart kid, he always understood.
We raced home and I grabbed my phone ready to fucking call him. Liam was bouncing around like a crazy person, we were both prepared to jump in that car and drive the half day trip to LSU just to turn up and tell him that we still wanted him to be our fucking family... Until I opened up his contact to see his profile picture had changed.
To one of him and his girlfriend.
Fuck...the pain. I can't even explain the pain.
Liam felt it from me, too.
The fates had taken a sledgehammer straight to my heart, destroying what little was left of it. I know it shouldn't have felt that way. I know what we agreed.
He told me not to wait, but I did.
Honestly, in my fucked up head, it was like I was losing him all over again. Like he was right there, his fingertips brushing against mine, my head buried into his neck on the dancefloor... then he was snatched away.
Liam got into bed with me that night when he heard me crying, that made me cry harder. I realised then that I couldn't be that person, he needed me to be so much stronger. Strong like him, he's my little hero.
So I decided then and there to stop putting my life on hold. I walked straight into my office the next morning and quit, Charlie didn't know what the fuck was going on but the moment he heard I was out of there he threw his own notice in and told our homophobic cunt bosses to try replacing the sticks up their asses with a nice dildo, before he linked his arm with mine and marched us both all the way to the coffee shop across the road before they could have us kicked out.
We had a good solid three hours of screaming at each other about how stupid we were whilst shooting espresso, until Rave opened for much stronger drinks.
Of course then when we calmed down, and Han had dosed us up on vodka soaking-up bread at their place before putting Liam and Luna to bed, we realised that we have been doing this job on our own for so long, what was stopping us from doing it for ourselves now?
We signed the lease on our offices two days later.
That Saturday, I put on my best suit, took my invitation and walked straight into the fundraiser... only to be greeted with a perfectly crisp set of green eyes right across the room.
Me and Xade picked up right where we left off, talking like no time had passed. I told him about Liam and he told me about Poppy, that girl is going to be a wild one, we smiled and laughed all night. It was nice, it was distracting.
Then we started seeing each other more; first just meeting up for lunch, then morning coffee, then after work drinks. He helped me and Charlie set up our offices, used some of his contacts from his own work and his sister to help us get started. It annoyed the shit out of Charlie, the human butterfly has always had hate for him, but even he has to admit that we wouldn't be where we are now without Xade.
It ended up leading to Friday night dinners and Saturday morning beach walks, until pretty much anytime that I didn't have Liam, I was with him.
He helped, he just made the burden of pain feel a bit easier to bear. Especially that night...
Me and Milo stuck to his deal with Stephanie that first year, we had no contact at all, remained strong no matter how many times I'd wish he'd call, all the way up until the day of Harley's anniversary.
It wasn't a lot, just a simple text to say that he was thinking of me. I cried all fucking night, not unusual for me on that day but still. My therapy has helped a lot when it comes to coping with what happened, but not as much as hearing from him did.
We didn't say one word to each other again for another year, then the anniversary came around and it was the same. A set of simple words, ones that just stitched together a tiny part of my soul so easily whilst looking down at his picture.
The year after that I found myself just staring at the screen all day, no tears, just waiting. When the message came through... Fuck, my heart was so fucking happy.
His name, his words... all of it.
But then we let it go too far.
It just started off with a text, then a reply, then a reply back... It spread out to hours of each of us just fixated on the phone waiting for the next bit of contact. We slipped into it too quickly, too naturally. Before long we were back to talking every moment we could, him sending me messages after classes and me desperate to ring him every night until we fell asleep.
I was just so scared to hear his voice.
Then those thoughts would start to creep in... What if... What if we could hide it? Keep it a secret? See each other in fleeting fucking moments that would satisfy both our souls...
We knew we'd have to keep it from Liam. We'd have to keep it from everyone, but when his name would light up my screen I just couldn't fucking care less. We still wanted each other, neither of us said it but it was so fucking clear. It gave me hope.
Then I had a meeting with Stephanie about Chrissy's latest way to try ruin my life and I remembered why the fuck we couldn't do this. If we'd risk it and everything I'd built with Liam for almost four years had become fucked overnight, we'd both be crushed. We couldn't do that to him.
So we ended it. My heart breaking all over again.
That fucking hope was still alive though, still bubbling under the surface...
Being with Milo was the easiest thing that ever happened to me, being without him... it killed me.
Destiny is a cruel cunt. A cruel hope-destroying cunt.
I thought just finding out he had a girlfriend hurt but...
I'd honestly forgotten the effect he could have on me, I'd forgotten that pull, until the day that me and Charlie moved into the offices. It was the first time that I saw Milo in person for almost four years, and he didn't even fucking see me.
Al had told me that he was coming into town, warned me, for all it was worth. She wouldn't usually say anything, we've got a bit of an unspoken rule about not talking about that man unless it's absolutely needed, most of the time she'd just work it so we didn't run into each other at her place and it's not like he visits often... or ever. That week her, Jayce and the kids were going away and she didn't want me caught off guard, she said Tara wanted to meet his new girl and wasn't taking no for an answer. I figured I'd be busy with the office move on the other side of town anyway... I'd never have a chance to see him...
He obviously didn't know where I was moving into but I walked down the steps of the offices with a box in my hands, just to find him standing there through the glass of the lobby doors. He was casually lent up against the ice cream shop across the road... basked in sunlight like a fucking angel.
I forgotten how fucking beautiful he is. I'd seen him so many times on TV during his games, seen his pictures on social media until Brie made me stop looking, but it didn't compare to seeing him right there in front of me. He was... he was just... perfect.
I froze, I just froze.
It hit me harder than I ever thought it could. When he started playing for the team in college I tried to watch his games, alone. Then after one game they interviewed him, even that brought fucking tears to my eyes. When he looked into the camera, I swear it was like he was looking straight at me. My heart leapt into my throat, his fingers twiddling with a chain around his neck tucked into his jersey like he was nervous, and all I wanted to do was get in my car and go to that fucking court. I didn't let myself watch any of his games after that.
That day in my office I knew he couldn't have seen me through the mirrored glass but fuck... I swear he could feel me. I was looking at him and suddenly his head spun around as if he could sense my presence. He looked directly into the building like a magnetic force was drawing him to me.
I couldn't control myself, my body just moved towards him on instinct. I almost made it to the door, imagining a scene from one of those music videos where all the cars would swerve out of my way as I passed by before making it to the other side, only to take his open eyed face in my hands and fucking kiss him.
But that didn't happen.
Instead, as my hand touched the door handle, the most beautiful blonde girl you've ever seen walked out of the ice cream shop, her tanned hands passing him a cone before jumping on his back with a giggle. She looked at him like he hung the stars, which he does... he always has.
They walked off looking like one of those Instagram model couples you see with the perfect lives online.
That's exactly what they were... perfect.
It ripped me apart.
I just stood in the lobby feeling like all my vital organs were on the floor in front of me. Exactly the same overwhelming pain rippling through my body that was there when I walked into my house after Steve's wedding, only to find he'd already packed and taken all his stuff.
That's why he took so long to get to the wedding that day. He'd removed himself from every inch of my life before he walked out of it completely.
When I found his side of the closet empty, I crumbled onto the floor and fucking sobbed. I don't know how long I was there for, it was hours. I just remember that when I managed to clear my vision again I saw that he'd accidentally left his hoodie on my side. I don't even remember hanging it up there.
I think I slept in that thing every night for months.
In some ways now looking back I'm grateful, I never would've been strong enough to pack his things. He was always the strong one. I was grateful for what he did for Liam as well; when Liam came home from staying the night with Heather, we found that Milo had left all the Lego sets Tara had bought him over the years on Liam's bed. A goodbye gift, one that meant at least a part of him was still with us. Those things were the only things that kept Liam distracted long enough to fall back to sleep when he would wake up crying his eyes out, he missed him so fucking much. Those sets and a single song in Milo's voice were all we had for so long...
It's different for them now. Milo has kept his distance from everybody at home, I think for my sake, I've told everyone to tell him it's not necessary but I know that it's the only way he can stay away. He talks to the kids on Skype, checks in with calls, but he rarely comes home unless there's something he needs to be at.
I still know when Liam talks to him though, he doesn't tell me anymore when they chat but there's always a brighter smile on his face when he comes off his Xbox, I know why that is. They've seen each other a few times over the years when Milo was back visiting and maintained a bond that I'm happy for. Stephanie told me I could be in the same house as him, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. That hope for something more was too strong to fight.
That's why that day when I watched him and his girlfriend walk away I had to remind myself of one thing...
When he left he told me not to wait. He knew we were meant to be together, find each other, love each other... but also lose each other.
How he was supposed to be the one to help me move on...
That night after Liam went to bed, Xade came over to watch the latest episode of one of the series we'd been bingeing for a few weeks, just like he had so many times before.
I looked at him, he looked at me, two people so desperate for the same thing but unable to find it anywhere else. Maybe this was what I needed to do, do what Milo did, just take a step forward.
I kissed him, a kiss very different to the first one we shared, mostly because I didn't run away straight afterwards.
There weren't any fireworks, the stars didn't fall from the skies, but it wasn't terrible either. It felt... safe.
Things have gone slowly between us, he sees how terrified I am to be close with someone so he's never pushed me. We aren't anywhere near to where me and Milo were at this point in our relationship but at least I'm not sad anymore.
At least I'm not alone.
I've spent the last four years doing exactly what Milo asked me to do; I built a life for me and Liam, a life without him in it. A life where sometimes I lay in bed next to a man I haven't been able to give myself to, feeling unsteady at times, but at least not feeling like I'm just standing still.
In reality, I should have let myself get to this point a long time ago. I should have known deep down that he wasn't coming back.
He must have changed so much. Me and Jayce don't speak too much these days, there's no issues between us, I think he just doesn't know how to talk to me anymore. The last time that he even mentioned Milo's name around me it was to tell Steve that he was offered captain for his last year of college but that he'd decided not to go for it, apparently he doesn't take risks like he used to.
Instead he let somebody else take the limelight while he just supports all the people around him in the background.
It's the most Milo thing I've ever heard him do.
It took me a long time but I finally understand why he did what he did, and the way he did it. He made that decision for us because he knew I wasn't strong enough to make it. I still have days where I think I should've just made him stay, walked into that courtroom with him and made them see him for who he is, not what he was.
Then I look at Liam and think about what could have happened if we'd lost. That thought rips my soul to shreds enough that I'm grateful everyday that he was able to be so sure when I wasn't.
I think I'm more grateful to him now I see the man Liam is becoming. He's played such a part in that, even if it wasn't the way we thought or hoped he would.
For so long I truly believed that we would be brought back together via that same destiny that brought us to each other in the first place.
Turns out... Destiny forgot about us.
Or this is what it always was.
Now, instead, I have a truly great man down on one knee, offering me a world that no one else has tried to offer me for all these years. I know he's doing this for the wrong reasons; he's doing this because I've been too scared to let him bond with Liam, been too fearful that he and I will lose someone else from our lives, he's doing it so I won't be afraid to be with him, he's doing it to prove a commitment to me that I'm not sure I'm even ready for.
But mostly he's doing it because he thinks it will make me happy.
All Xade ever wants to do is make me happy...
"Yes."
.
.
*HEY MY BEAUTS, JUST A REMINDER THAT THIS IS THE LAST UPLOAD OF MY BEST FRIENDS BROTHER! I HOPE YOU ALL LOVE IT ❤️ IF YOU DO, MAKE SURE TO VOTE AND LET ME KNOW HOW YOU'RE FEELING IN THE COMMENTS 🥰 ALL THE INFORMATION ABOUT THE LAST BOOK OF THIS SERIES WILL BE IN THE AUTHORS NOTE AT THE END... 😍*