"Do you want me to come in with you?" Jayce asks again for the third time, we've been sitting outside staring at this building now for forty minutes but I still can't bring myself to take a step inside. I just keep looking at it.
I don't know what I was expecting, I thought it would be this big domineering structure that was filled with people making life altering decisions, but it's not. It's just like any other office building. Not as nice as the one that Josh works in obviously but still, just a normal place filled with normal people.
Sitting here won't change things Milo...
"No, I have to do this by myself." Jayce opens his mouth to argue but I slip out of the car before I can change my mind.
Hannah told me that Liam is still with Josh, that alone made my heart beat keep pounding, but since the moment I stepped into the cells all I've been able to think about was that look that Stephanie gave me when I was leaving the hospital in handcuffs.
She almost looked... heartbroken.
Disappointment, she should've looked disappointed, or maybe even pissed off, but she didn't. She just looked like I'd ripped the rug out from under her, she was crushed and I already know why.
Stepping inside the building, the cool air conditioning smacks down on my face. There's a lot of hustle and bustle around me considering how many people must be on holiday leave, the Christmas decorations still poorly placed around the building a reminder of how only a few days ago my life was fucking perfect.
Remember when your biggest worry was giving Josh a ring and maybe having him freak out?
God what I wouldn't give to be back in my room with him right now... back to that day.
I approach the front desk to speak with the woman who looks like she'd rather be anywhere else in the world but here now. I feel that... I really do.
Normally, this would be the point where I turn on my charm and make everyone in the building fall in love with me, but I just don't have it in me today. I haven't had a shower in three days, my hair is all over the place and I know my face looks like I've been fighting my way out of the wilderness for the last week with how much it needs a shave, but I couldn't put this off. It's destroying me slowly.
I stand in front of her for a solid thirty seconds, the bored looking brunette not sparing me a glance as she clicks away on her screen. You'd think she's working with how much she's concentrating but I can see in the reflection of her glasses that she's just playing solitaire.
"Excuse me?" Fuck my voice sounds rough. The coffee this morning was practically like razor blades being thrown down my throat and it still hurts to even talk after not making a sound for days, lost in my own mind.
"Can I help you?" I get that this woman is overworked and underpaid but she can seriously drop her fucking attitude.
"Yeah, I was hoping to speak with Stephanie..." fuck, what's Stephanie's last name?
The woman stares up at me with amusement, not attempting to help in anyway as she crosses her arms over her chest and leans back on her seat just keeping her eyes firmly glued on my own... until they start to travel down me a bit.
A part of me just wants to run the fuck out of here, live in ignorant bliss and pretend that everything is going to be okay, but that's not reality. The image of Liam sobbing and tied to the chair in that basement begging to be saved floods my mind and I remember how much I love my little man, how much I want him safe.
"Milo?" I've never been more grateful to have someone call my name, turning to see Stephanie clutching way more folders than she should possibly be able to carry in one arm and almost dropping her coffee from the other as she looks at me with slight disbelief, multiple strands of hair auburn hair falling into her face from the bun that's slipping further and further from her hair's grasp.
I quickly walk over to her, guiding the folders from her arm and taking them in my own, much to her relief when she can finally bring the coffee she looks desperate for to her lips. "What are you doing here Milo? When did you... ummm... get out?"
She gives me that same sad look she did at the hospital, one that reminds me I have to know what she's thinking.
"Is there somewhere we can talk, please?" I really try to keep my voice steady, I don't want her to see me as some pathetic kid that can't handle real life situations, but just standing in front of the woman that has complete control over my future is kind of fucking terrifying.
She nods and turns towards a wall lined with doors just down the corridor, opening one and leading me inside until I'm sitting in a sparse office room with nothing but overly bright lighting and a giant table with six chairs around it.
It's so... formal. Clinical even. A place for business, not emotion.
Remember that Milo.
"Just pop them down by here and take a seat Milo, do you want a coffee or something?" I lower the files in front of the chair at the head of the table, politely refusing the coffee after the swill I was already forced to drink at the station earlier.
These seats are more comfortable than the interview room but I still feel like I'm sitting on a bed of nails with all the anxiety rolling around inside of me.
I don't mean to be rude, I know this is the point where we should make some kind of pleasant small talk but we both know why I'm here, so the moment she takes a seat I just cut to the chase.
"Are you going to take Liam away from Josh... because of me? Because I was arrested?"
My directness catches Stephanie off guard but not my question, it's clear that she was kind of expecting this.
"Mr Thompson... it's not that simple." I know that she's trying to act professional but that's not what I need, what I need right now is for her to just tell me the fucking truth.
"Stephanie... I know that you care about Liam..." She sighs deeply, letting herself relax slightly into the seat, we both know we're going to be here for a while. She stretches and pulls out one of the folders from the pile, smiling as she opens it and glances down at some of the pictures the child has drawn for her.
I'd recognise those little stick men any where.
"Mr. Thompson, I can't just-"
"It's Milo, just Milo." I watch the war going on inside her as she looks between the drawings and me, I honestly believe that she's a good person but I know enough from listening to Mum talk about cases that involve social services to realise that her hands are tied a lot of the time. "Please, please don't say something to protect my feelings or some other bullshit that could cost Liam everything... I just need to know the truth."
Her eyes stay firmly glued to the little drawing that Liam has done for her folder, it looks like it's one of her and him at his school, probably one he drew during one of their meetings.
She finally glances up at the door to the meeting room, almost looking to see if there's any chance that somebody is about to walk in but there's no-one hurrying around outside, I'm guessing this time of year most people want to be with their families rather than at the office, so having big important meetings aren't at the top of their to do list, getting out of here is. It says a lot about her that she's still here doing things for the kids under her care.
"Okay Milo, while this folder is open I am Liam's social worker. I'm going to tell you exactly what I should tell you as a social worker... Then I'm going to close this folder and we are going to have a conversation as one human being with over a decades experience doing these cases, to another human being who needs to hear it. We are not going to repeat a word of it to anyone outside this room. Are we understood?"
I immediately nod my head, I need this more than she knows.
She picks up the drawing, gently stroking her fingers across the image of Liam before placing it back in the folder and letting out a deep breath.
"Liam's case is not easy, he is a child with deep rooted trauma who is going to require a considerable amount of specialised care and support. Care that I hope he is given by people who truly love him." She flips to another page in the folder, one that I quickly recognise as my own profile. "Josh and Liam have a very special bond, Josh has been a constant presence in his little brothers life and a stabling influence when other parts of Liam's world weren't always so... reliable."
I think that's a fucking understatement when you're referring to his disgusting excuse for a mother.
"However, he doesn't come without his share of controversy. Liam has been placed into some unsavoury situations during his time in Josh's care, some of which I appreciate were far beyond Josh's control but still do not reflect particularly well when placed down in ink. His relationship with someone like you... I can't tell you that it won't be a factor but I have made sure to include everything I've seen, and have been told by Liam, about both you and your position in Liam's life in my report."
She gives me a slight smile, but I can see the sadness behind it. She's still holding back, this is so far from everything I need to know.
"You will both get your day in court, the judge will read all of the findings and will make a decision based on them. You have to trust in the system Milo, that's what it's there for." I wonder how many people buy that line when she gives it to them? I'm sure a lot do but to me... she just looks so tired, her eyes almost losing their light with every syllable that she mutters.
She nods her head at me and I nod back, before she takes the cover of the folder and slams it shut. Resting her chin on her fists as she looks directly at me, I nod again waiting for the truth this time.
"The system is fucked."
Okay, I was hoping for honesty but that was really fucking honest.
"I like Josh, I like you too Milo. Liam has told me so much about both of you and I can tell how much he adores you both, not to mention how much you folks brought him on in such a short period of time. He's practically a different kid now from the one I first met... but the truth is... the judge will never see that." She falls forward slightly, pushing her hands through her hair to try and shove back the loose strands but they only fall in front of her face again.
"What do you mean?" I'm not stupid, I know how this game is played, I just need to hear it.
"See this folder?" She picks up the overflowing file then drops it back to the desk with a slam. "If I get a decent judge, they'll read about a third of it, if I'm lucky... Mostly, they scan over the bullet points, the break down profiles and the recommendations of people far above me who will likely never actually ever even meet Liam."
That's beyond fucked up.
"I can tell you from experience that those sections of this folder in particular... They paint a very certain picture."
"How bad is it?" I ask, not entirely sure I want the answer. "What is going against us?"
"Okay, well firstly there's the obvious; Josh is gay." She sighs, like even the words themselves exhaust her. "As much as I'd like to deny it, homophobia is something that is still fucking rampant and depending what judge we get, you may never even play a factor in the fact that Josh doesn't get Liam..."
The thought of something like that happening... I know it does, but it still makes me fucking sick. What kind of people would rather see Liam raised in foster care than with someone who loves him, just because of who Josh loves? They should be fucking ashamed of themselves... People like that shouldn't even be in a position to make these kinds of decisions...
"But beyond that," She continues, "the judge will likely never meet either of you. Even if he does it will be a courteous visit only, his mind will be made up long before you enter that court room. All he'll know about either of you to make that decision is this." She pulls out a sheet of paper from the folder, one that has my name written at the top and a paragraph that barely takes up a third of the page underneath. "In a court of law, this is what your life comes down to Milo. A single sheet of paper that will be the deciding factor on who you become to a kid like Liam."
How can someone's life be reduced down to nothing but these few words? Every person you meet is so much more than this, you can't reduce a persons life to nothing but a few lines of statistics... Life isn't this black and white.
I look at mine, barely reading it properly and just looking at the words that jump out, pretty much like the judge would; nineteen, high school student, criminal record, unconventional relationship, repeat offender, kidnapping, driving offences, age gap.
Written down on paper... I don't reflect in the best light.
There are other things too, mentions of everything good I've done with Liam and all the beautiful things he's said about me, but I can still see that the bad far outweighs it. Everyone knows that it's the bad stuff that sticks in your mind, like if you got one hundred nice comments and one shitty one, you know which one you're going to remember.
"This combined with everything else; Heather's drug overdose with Liam present, his being kidnapped, Josh hiding your relationship... Milo this is not going to be easy... and if I'm perfectly honest, I'm not confident that we are going to get the outcome that I wish we would." This is hurting her, I saw it that day at Josh's house, she wants Liam with Josh but this isn't her decision to make. "This case is gathering attention, people much higher than me want to see what's happening here... I've been holding them off because I haven't had a chance to speak with Chrissy whilst she was still being processed, but I'm meeting with her later today, I'm sure you can already guess how that is going to go."
Oh yeah, I know exactly how that's going to go.
"Why the fuck does she still get a say in this after everything she's done?" I didn't mean to swear, it's just the thought of that woman being anywhere near Liam again makes my fucking skin crawl.
"Even if she goes to prison Milo, it doesn't automatically strip her rights." I know it doesn't, but it fucking should. "I've spoken with the police officer in charge of her case and he feels like she will do some time in prison simply because after she escaped she didn't call the cops to go in and save her son, she fucking left him there to die while she packed to run."
Stephanie doesn't try to hide the disdain from her voice, something that makes us both smile.
"She should be doing the next twenty plus years locked up, but she won't. She's already claiming intimidation and persuasion by the leader of that gang, she's also claiming no prior knowledge of the kidnapping and so far there's nothing tying her to it... We both know she's very good at playing the victim, if she keeps that up who knows what will happen. Even if she does go down I'd be surprised if she got more than five years, not to mention that during that time she'll probably make Josh's life hell. She'll want visitation whilst Liam is still guarded by social services and will probably report him for everything and anything..."
Just something else to add to Josh's plate... As long as I'm with Josh she'll never stop coming for us.
"Taking away her parental rights, it's a whole other battle beyond even getting Josh custody of Liam. I'm going to fight Liam, I always will... and while we're having this nice off the record chat I don't mind telling you that I don't want her anywhere near him."
I try to smile at her but my face can't find it, I can feel the weight of this conversation starting to force my body to the ground and it's taking everything I have to stay upright in the chair.
"You asked me to be honest with you Milo so I will be... In truth, even if I can get Josh custody, in order to strip her rights to Liam I'm going to need Josh to be practically perfect. Five years sounds like a long time to do this but in this system it's nothing. Everything takes a great deal of time and we'd need to do it while she was still inside, it can't wait, once she's gotten out and paid her debt to society... it will just become harder."
I appreciate her being honest with me. I really fucking need that right now.
"He's still with Josh now though, right?" She nods, glancing down at her watch and back at the door before she continues.
"Yes. Liam was evaluated by the child psychologist after the kidnapping and he thought it would be detrimental to remove him from Josh's care considering the separation trauma he'd already suffered, but that won't last forever Milo. We'll be in court in a few weeks, by then Liam will be far enough into therapy that they won't consider the separation so difficult to enforce."
Then they don't fucking know Liam... He wouldn't survive without Josh... but I guess that's what she's been trying to tell me all along, these people that are making the decisions for Liam's life will never know him, they'll never know me and they'll never know Josh. They will decide the fate of our lives without anything more than what's written on a single sheet of paper.
"Stephanie, I appreciate everything you've told me... but you still haven't answered my question." Fuck, do I even want to fucking know? My eyes begin to sting with the tears but I refuse to let them leave as I look back down at my own description facing up at me from the page. Whether I want to know or not, I fucking have to. "If I wasn't in the picture, do you think he'd still lose him?"
I can't even bring myself to face her, I can hear her breathing deeply and watch her shadow on the table as she swipes back at her hair again, but I know if I look at her I'm going to fucking break.
"I can't... I shouldn't answer that Milo. There are no guarantees with court, I can't guarantee you that if–"
"Please." I know she doesn't want to force my hand here, but I just need to know the truth. A truth that is becoming more clear the longer she fights against the words. "Please just tell me, do you think he'd get him if I wasn't his boyfriend anymore?"
There's an uncomfortable amount of silence, I can practically hear Stephanie screaming inside her own head not to say it but when I finally lift my eyes to look at her, I already know the answer.
"Yes."