JOSH’S P.O.V.
Okay, all these fuckers are definitely keeping something from me.
Liam has been smiling all day like he’s in on a big secret, Brie kept looking over at me during lunch with those eyes she gets every time she thinks she can see into the future and I haven’t seen Miles since he gave me my birthday present this morning.
They’re all planning something.
I’ve made very fucking clear I don’t want a party, even if it did make Charlie lay on my office floor for three hours flailing his arms and legs like a sugar rushed toddler and screaming “But I want tequila!” at the top of his lungs. Party’s are not my thing and with everything going on I couldn’t have all the people I’d want there anyway.
I’ve already had the most amazing day though, my present from Miles was cute as fuck.
Back when we had our date at the museum, we obviously couldn't get anything from the gift shop because the whole place was closed but I saw that they had all this really cool shit in there through the window. I don’t know when he had the time to go there with everything we’ve had going on, but he pretty much had everything I pointed out put together in one big package for me.
I fucking love it... He said I have something else to come later but I told him I don’t want anything else, I just want him. He’s the best fucking present I could’ve ever wished for...
Unless he’s planning on doing what Brie said and just wrapping himself up in a big bow, because that I definitely fucking want.
He’d also helped Liam to make me a seriously sweet present, one they must have been working on for a while. It was a photo album and I fucking love it. He must have dug through all the boxes under my bed to find so many photographs, not to mention all the social media stalking Miles must have done too, but it was kind of fucking amazing to see my life with Liam laid out in the pages like that.
The first photos were ones of him as a baby, always held in my arms, but then it spread out into every moment we've spent together since; every holiday season, every trip to the park, all of it. Just watching him grow, seeing me grow too, we’ve been through so much together. It was just the two of us for so long but then the last few pages we had an extra face at our side, one I hope is always smiling back at the camera through every photograph we take from this day forward.
It was perfect. He’s perfect.
Actually, they both are.
It’s still really fucking hard with everybody else though, I haven’t spent a birthday without Al and Brie together for ten years. Even when I lived outside Westbrooke they would Skype in for my birthday, this year they can't even sit in the same fucking room.
“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on here?” I ask Liam again for the sixth time. He looks over at Heather who shakes her head before cramming his face full of M&Ms so he couldn't talk even if he wanted to.
Jayce and Al just chuckle, leading me away from my brother and guiding me back towards the front door.
“We told you, you've got somewhere you need to be.” Aleah smiles but I can see the glint in her eyes that means she's definitely up to no fucking good. “Will you stop trying to figure it out and just go already, Liam is good here, stop worrying so much and just get that very nice behind of yours in the car.”
“That would be a lot easier if I knew where the fuck I was going! None of you will tell me shit!” I huff, waving goodbye to Liam as Jayce uses his overwhelming strength to practically shove me out of the door.
They do realise that it’s my fucking birthday right? Shouldn’t I be the one that gets to decide what I do with it?
Both of them just continue to laugh at me as I practically stumble down the steps but then suddenly the laughter holts, when I look towards the end of the driveway I realise the cause, although it is hard to recognise Brie when she scrapes away her curls into a bun like that... She’s too tired to do her hair... That’s never a good sign.
She stands at the edge of the sidewalk like she's not entirely sure she can come up to the house, I fucking hate this.
“Lee...” Jayce calls after her but it’s too late, she's already moved far out of where any of us can see her back towards the kids. I hear Heather ask who’s there but I’m grateful that Brie doesn’t hear it, she’d probably muscle her way in there to see that girl and that would just make everything worse.
Brie approaches, carrying a large box wrapped poorly taped Christmas paper and looking far more downtrodden than I’ve seen her in years. She was the same way at lunch, she forgot my present and didn’t even laugh at anything Charlie had to say about the cute waiter. This is all fucking destroying her, that beautiful smile of hers isn’t fooling anyone.
“It’s okay Romeo, she’s pissed and I get it.” It’s not fair for Al to take this out on Brie, it’s not like Brie could turn her back on May when she needed her, no matter what she did. Al isn’t being this way with Miles even though she knows they are still in contact, it just seems to cut so much deeper when it comes to Brie. Like it’s the betrayal of one sister for another.
The worst thing is I don’t think Aleah even knows what she wants her to do, she doesn’t want to see May out on the street but she doesn’t want her living in a house where her daughter visits either. She just... She just wants all of this to have never happened... but it doesn’t work that way.
Brie hands over the box, I honestly dread to think what’s inside, she’s not exactly known for her great gift giving skills.
Opening the lid extremely carefully in case something alive is about to jump out at me, I only become more confused when I finally reveal the contents. The box is filled with what looks like already regularly worn T-shirts and hoodies. I really don’t understand why she would give me this until I start to pull them out and realise that everything inside this box is mine.
“It’s all the stuff I’ve stolen over the years, I couldn’t think of what else to get you so I figured being the first woman in history to give a guy back his comfy hoodies was pretty much the best gift I could do. Plus, I’m getting married in three weeks and I’m fucking skint, so you know...”
Considering I know that Brie has slept in most of these since the day she took them, it's actually really fucking sweet of her to give them all back... Although that red one won’t be mine long when Miles sees it, he’s a fucking thief when it comes to my clothes.
I pull her into a hug, one which she returns with such gusto that she knocks most of the air out of my lungs. I really love her, love them all, I just want this to all be over. Heather surviving should have been enough to unite us but the pain of nearly losing her feels like it will never disappear.
“I put where you’re going on the gift tag, just follow the navigation and we’ll meet you down there tomorrow.” Tomorrow? Why the fuck would I need to go there now if they aren’t meeting me until tomorrow?
Bonnie and Clyde notice my confusion, smirking at each other before gesturing me towards my car again. “Just fucking trust us, you’re going to fucking love it... and I made sure your main present is really fucking clean, so don’t be afraid to go in on it big time... and bare.”
Clean? Bare? What the fuck is she on about.
I have no idea what she’s trying to say but clearly Jayce does as he shoves her harshly off the bottom step before rolling his eyes so far back into his head they may never come back out again.
“Damn it Brianna! I really didn’t need these fucking mental images! Jesus fucking Christ...” Jayce shudders as he steps back inside the house, slamming the door and completely ignoring Brie who is laughing her head off for what is probably the first time in over a week. She waves and gives me a wink whilst walking back down the other end of the drive, waiting until she thinks I can’t see her to turn back and try to sneak a peak of Heather through the windows. She looks in pain... So much pain...
I bet she hasn’t used the front entrance in fucking years... I need to fix this with them, those two having a barrier in their relationship throws off the worlds fucking axis or something. It’s not right.
Typing in the zip code, it sets to take me to somewhere an hour outside of Westbrooke that I’ve never been before. It looks like the middle of fucking nowhere. I swear to God if this is some weird wild goose chase where they’ve arranged for a load of actors to jump out at me in scream masks from behind a bunch of fucking trees while they get it on camera, I’m going to murder the lot of them.
I take off following the directions, pulling up Miles’ contact and ringing him before I get too far away from the Manor.
“Hey handsome.” This guy really needs to start recording audio books, that fucking voice of his does things to my body that can’t be explained.
“Do you know where the fuck they’re sending me? I’m going to come to the Manor and pick you up first because like hell am I doing this alone, if I’m going down then you’re going down with me.” His infectious laughter fills the line, but he's quick to shutdown my pleas for help.
“I can’t come right now, just follow the directions and I promise everything will be okay, they wouldn't do anything to ruin your birthday... I put a playlist on your phone, it should be enough to get you there.”
There... So this little shit is in on it.
“Fine, but if it ends up a scene from a horror movie then this is on you.” I will not be held responsible for creating a bloodbath, I get stabby when I’m jumpy.
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re an over thinker?” He snickers. “Josh, just listen to the music and follow the directions... I won’t let anything bad happen to you, I can’t... you are my stars.”
Too fucking sweet for his own good.
“You are my stars.” These four words mean more to me than I think he’ll ever realise, they have helped us bridge the gap between the three he was able to tell me and I’m still yet to return.
Pulling up to the red lights in the middle of town, I smile as I remember coming back from our first date and sitting here watching him sleep in the passenger seat. When I look back on it, I think that was the moment that I realised I was truly fucked here, I was already so deeply in love with him and I couldn’t even see it yet.
He just had that hold on me from day one. The first touch, the first kiss... All of it, I could feel deep within me that he was going to be fucking special the moment our eyes locked across my office.
His playlist begins, the beautiful sound of Savage Garden flooding through my speakers and wiping away any sense of the nerves I once had. I leave behind whatever stress is going to be waiting for me upon my return to Westbrooke and just decide to enjoy wherever tonight is going to take me. It’s my birthday... I trust him.
It’s actually a really nice drive, I can’t remember the last time I was in a car on my own just driving around like this. Back when I lived on the other side of the country I used to do this all the time, throw on music that would make me feel anything but alone and drive and drive until the street lights turned to sunlight.
I was so fucking sad back then, always smiling to everyone on the outside but feeling completely dead on the inside. Liam made it better, holding that little boy in my arms was the only time I felt anything close to whole again. I’d sometimes let myself think about what my life would be like if I could take him away from Chrissy, something I now know the reality of. He's already so much stronger and happier just from these few weeks away from her, I can only imagine how much better it would have been if I’d had him years ago.
But I have him now... We have him now.
These songs are seriously beautiful, Miles really has a skill for finding music that manages to put into words things that you can't explai-
“Hey Josh,”
My heart leaps up into my throat at the sound of his voice, I check the screen to see if I’ve accidentally fucking called him or something but it's just a recording on the playlist.
Oh please tell me he’s...
“I’ve been wanting to let you hear this song from me for... Well, from the moment I first listened to it. I’ve got close a few times but honestly I don’t think I’d make it to the end if I was looking into your eyes while I sang it...” Oh fuck... “There’s a lot of beautiful songs in this world Josh, but I don’t think that any of them can tell you exactly how I feel like this one does... Every night when I’m laying with you in my arms... Fuck, I love having you there... I can’t stop looking at you, I can’t stop myself being near you... I stroke my fingertips over that tattoo on your arm as you sleep and... I just want you to know that this is exactly how I feel about you.”
The acoustic melody slowly trickles in, filling my body with warmth like he’s right here with his arms around me. I can tell he did this recently because the little ragged scratch he's had in his throat ever since we had the flu is still there as he begins to let go of the perfect lyrics.
🎵“Oh, I'm obsessed.
With the way your head is layin' on my chest.
How you love the things I hate about myself.
That no one knows, but with you, I see hope again...
Oh, I'm a mess.”🎵
I wish he knew how fucking obsessed I am with him too. How every time I think about him or anytime I’m able to touch him it just feels like this crazy universe finally makes fucking sense. All the pain, all the fear... I’ve been someone who’s been so used to being broken that I forgot what it meant to be held together again... He fucking healed me.
🎵“And darlin', this is more than anything I’ve felt before.
You're everything that I want, but I didn't think I'd find.
Someone who is worth the wait of all the years of my heartbreak.
But I know now I’ve found the one I love.”🎵
He was worth it all, all the suffering, all the loneliness and all those fucking years of thinking that I’d never get this. I’d wait for him for another ten, for another fucking hundred years. He’s everything I’ve always prayed, wished and hoped for but never truly ever let myself believe that I’d ever have.
He is the one.
My whole world waiting in one person.
🎵“Come close, let me be home for anything.
Good or bad, I know it's worth it.”🎵
My home.
His gorgeous fucking voice, everything about him from the notes on his tongue to the sparkle in his eyes; he is my man on the moon, my fallen angel, my colliding black hole that absorbs all the torment and tribulation only for me to be saved from getting lost in the same never ending void by the guiding light of his ever calling soul to mine.
What he is to me most people could never understand... he's my fucking stars.
As the song comes to an end, I can see that my destination is less than two minutes away but I still have to pullover so I can get myself together first, he’s really got me this time. I hadn’t even realised I had tears on my cheeks until I feel them hit my chest.
No one has ever done anything like this for me before... Put so much effort into making me feel wanted, making me feel loved.
I never thought I’d meet someone who looks at all my damage but doesn’t see them as cracks in my soul, as defects that need correcting. Instead viewing them all as unique fractures he can more easily seep his way inside through, open passages to fill me with all the adulation he has for my being, wounds to treasure because they make up who I am.
He’s mine. Always.
Checking all signs of emotional leakage have ceased, I continue to travel along the edge of the county just past the ocean. It’s quiet here, peaceful, the sea air always has that effect on me. I find myself rolling onto the hills that look over the wide expanding water and straight into the driveway of a secluded villa.
Wow...
I can’t help but stop for a moment, admiring the glowing lanterns illuminating the night covered path for me to follow. Why would they send me all the way out here?
This place is really fucking beautiful, it's not like any house I’ve ever been in before, nestled away in the rising trees so far that it almost feels like its own little secluded land. A secret hideaway.
I wait for someone to jump out at me from behind one of the oaks screaming ‘surprise’ but it doesn't happen. Although I’m not letting my guard completely down yet...
Instead, just as I step out of the car, the front door to the house opens. It’s hard to see until the deck lights come on, but when they do I melt. Standing there in the doorway, dressed in those jeans that he knows drives me insane and a black button up shirt that appears to be sprayed onto his perfect fucking body, is my gorgeous fucking boyfriend.
“Happy birthday Joshua.”
Best. Birthday. Present. Ever.
I don’t even bother shutting the car door before racing up the steps, him moving just as quickly and meeting me halfway with that scintillating smile still firmly on his lips. He’s too fucking radiant, it shouldn’t be possible to be this fucking beautiful to someone.
I almost lose my balance trying to grab him before his arms wrap tightly around my waist, pulling me towards him at the same moment his lips press down onto mine.
This is all I needed. For every birthday I’ve spent falling asleep alone, for every night I would lay my hand on the empty side of the bed and wish I could just let someone in enough to fill it... For every broken shard of my heart I had to find, for every tear, every evil thought, every moment of doubt... I just needed him.
I love him.
And I’m going to fucking tell him.
Tonight.
Until next time beauts ❤📖