Mum was pacing around the waiting room when we got here but now she can't seem to move at all, leaning against my shoulder stiff as a board just staring endlessly at the door.
Fuck knows where May went, Dad went out looking for her as soon as he realised she wasn't in the house anymore but he still hasn't found her yet. I'm not sure she wants to be found, I know I should be out there looking for her too but I can't leave here until we hear something, anything.
Liam sits fast sleep on Josh's lap, Elizabeth offered to take him home with her if it would be easier but Josh knew he wouldn't be okay with that. That woman is in full mum-mode now though, running around and trying to get everyone to eat or drink something but her efforts are kind of lost on us at the moment.
We all just want to know what the fuck is going on.
Jayce rode in the ambulance with Heather here, Steve drove the bug with Brie and Lee in the back seat following it down before any of us could even get in a car. We've only seen Steve since, he told us that Heather had been taken for some tests on her head after banging it so many times and that Lee had been taken over to the prenatal department with Brie so they could check everything was safe with the baby.
That was three hours ago.
"You should go home and change sweetheart." Mom glances down at my vomit soaked jeans from her place leant against my body, it seems like a lifetime ago I was the one seeking out her warmth for comfort rather than the other way around. "We could be here for hours before we hear anything."
This time I just kiss the top of her head, she's been saying that same thing every time she lifts herself up from me, like she's stuck on a loop of agony. I told her I'm not leaving until I know that Heather is okay but she just keeps asking, I don't think she knows what else to say. Mum has never been very good at coping with anything like this, she just cries and breaks down when things get too stressful, I've seen it a hundred times before with her. She's trying her best right now but she's on the verge of tears again already.
Baby Chase stirs, flipping his head from one side to the other as he lays against Coach's chest, the same place he's been resting for the last hour. I can't imagine how hard this is for the two of them, him and Liz are the only two people here who truly know what it means to lose a child, yet they have been the strongest out of all of us.
They are truly incredible.
Josh strokes his thumb against Liam's limp hand, scratching at the blue paint still dried on his palm from where him and Heather were painting this afternoon. Jesus Christ... That feels like days ago, not hours.
How could so much change so fucking quickly?
Trying to explain to Liam what had happened to Heather was near impossible. Josh had managed to keep it together enough to explain that Heather had been poisoned accidentally and now need to go to hospital, but he couldn't tell him anything more than that without the tears breaking through.
Liam didn't hold them back, he sobbed until he passed out. I'm glad he's not afraid of his emotions but it fucking killed me seeing him like that.
When we arrived here the two paramedics who had come to the house made a point of telling Josh that without him applying those compression's Heather most certainly wouldn't have made it. No one else was thinking straight, he was the one that let his head overrule his heart and kept that little girl from slipping away.
He saved her life.
I don't think anyone here has even acknowledged it, not with everything else that's been happening. He told me in the car that he'd taken a child CPR course when Liam was born just in case, it's probably the most Josh thing I've ever heard.
Of course he would do something like that to make sure Liam was safe no matter what, it's exactly the type of person he is. He's my fucking hero.
The main doors at the other end of the waiting room open, Dad stepping through with another stressed looking guy and shaking his head at me, clear and obvious defeat in his eyes.
He couldn't find her...
I've tried calling her but she's not answering her phone, I am not even sure that she has it on her. Her ankle was fucked, I don't understand how the fuck she's got so far away from us on it. When he goes back out I'll go with him, we have to fucking find her.
Hannah was here an hour ago, her and Lisa drove down as soon as Mum called them. I'm not sure what Lee said to her in there but when she came back out she couldn't make eye contact with any of us, she just left and went to the station to get ahead of the investigation.
May is fucked here. Well and truly fucked.
I'm pretty sure those drugs belonged to Diego, or at least his family, there was so much of it... May is a lot of things but she isn't a criminal mastermind fucking drug dealer.
Although I guess I don't really know her well enough anymore to say that for sure...
She lied to me. She got those drugs off him and dropped them into her drawer that day we went to the lake house, I saw her. That was weeks after she told me she wouldn't see him anymore. Fuck knows what else she's been lying about since then...
Hannah has half the Westbrooke PD out looking for her now, that amount of drugs in her possession no matter the reason is not something that the police can just pretend didn't happen.
I considered doing the same thing I did with Eli, just taking the fucking wrap before this ruins her life... But I can't do it now... With Liam and Josh to factor in along with not knowing the full story of how that shit even ended up in my house... This is just something I can't save her from this time.
No one here seems to be in a hurry to find her for anything good, they all blame her for what's happened and they aren't fucking wrong, but I know what will be going through her head right now.
She'll be in a worst state than any of them realise.
May and Heather... They are the terrible twosome, the dynamic duo, the perfect pair... She'll never forgive herself for this.
What the fuck was she thinking?
I just can't understand why she let herself get into something so...
Dad leans down, wrapping his arms around Mum and kissing the edge of her temple.
"Any news?" I shake my head but my words are cut off from leaving my mouth when the doors we've been waiting patiently to watch move finally open, Brie stepping out with Steve and looking more dishevelled than I've seen her before.
She looks like shit, but I have no doubts that we all look worse.
I hadn't even registered who the guy was with Dad when he walked in, ignoring him completely until he walks up to Brie and pulls her into his arms. I always forget what Connor looks like without his glasses on, him and Hope are like twins.
"Brie, I'm so sorry, we can't find her anywhere. Hope took me to every place she could think of but May wasn't at any of their usual hangouts." Brie nods but doesn't say a word to him, in all honesty I think May is the last thing on her mind right now.
"Heather?" Mum's heartsick voice breaks through the room, Brie wiping away the tears that are already starting to roll down her face as she pulls herself free from Connor's embrace and Steve slips his arm around her waist to keep her upright again.
I really respect their mutual understanding of each others roles in Brie's life, I hadn't realised Brie and Connor had even dated until after I got with Josh. You miss a lot being a kid on the outside of the circle.
"Her head is okay for now," Brie begins, taking a deep breath to steady her shaking voice before continuing. "There's no obvious permanent damage on the tests they've done so far and the drugs didn't cause her any problems with her brain... but they have fucked with her lungs, they've had to put her on a ventilator for the time being..."
Mum sucks in a deep breath, one that appears too take all the oxygen out of the room as Liam starts to stir on Josh's lap uncomfortably. I wrap my arm around her shoulders and try to keep her from crumbling away again, she needs to stay strong here.
"Is she going to be okay? What about Aleah and the baby?" Dad asks, trying to sound together but not fooling any of the people in this room. He's a good actor most of the time but right now we can all see straight through him.
"They said that if she's good without the ventilator she should be able to leave in a few days when all the drugs leave her system, but we won't know the true extent of the damage until she's off the machine so there's no promises." She speaks quickly, she's afraid of missing something out. "Just got out of the scan with Lee, baby is okay but they are going to keep an eye on her. The stress really fucked with her blood pressure which definitely wasn't good for them both." Steve tightens his grip on Brie, the same way that Dad does with Mum and Coach does with Liz as everyone feels a small weight start to lift.
I switch seats so I'm sitting next to Josh, we've both been so focused on everyone else that I've hardly checked in that he's fucking coping with all this. Me and him, with the connection we have, we never need a lot of words. Instead, the moment I slip my hand into his, he immediately interlocks our fingers. A silent moment of bonded reassurance that we both find instant comfort in.
His arm must be dead after holding Liam for so long but you'd never know it, he doesn't look remotely ready to let this little boy go. Han and Charlie just went home to make some proper food for everyone so we'll wake him up when they get back, not that I can even think about eating right now.
"They're moving her onto another ward, the one that Rayna works on. Jayce said he'll come down and tell you guys when she can have visitors but it might be a while from now if you all want to get home, we can take shifts or something?" It's a nice idea, but it's not the way that our family works.
Everyone settles in for the night on their chairs, I pull my hoodie off and lay it over Liam as he continues to sleep. He wouldn't be happy if we left with him now anyway. He wants to see her so badly, they have such a special bond.
I lean onto Josh's shoulder and let my head press against his, his arm slipping out from under Liam's knees and letting them fall over my own lap as he reaches around the back of my neck to keep us together.
Everything is always better when I'm touching him. He's my human security blanket.
It seems so stupid now that this morning we were both so concerned with everybody seeing us together, well not me - I could never really give a shit what they thought, but I knew it bothered him so that troubled me enough to let it affect us. All those worries seem so small in comparison with the situation we now find ourselves in. So fucking insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
He's been so fucking incredible, so much stronger than I think anyone realised he could be in this unimaginable reality. I tilt my head and let my lips press against his for just a moment, the tiniest touch that will sooth the raging demons warring within my soul. The feel of him is all I've ever needed to calm me, I just hope mine can do the same thing for his distressed and chaotic mind right now.
His deep stuttering breath tells me he needed this too.
I've got you Josh. Always.
Mum's eyes catch mine, the closest thing I've seen to an actual smile approaching her face as she glances between the two of us. She feels it too, how stupid it was for people to think something as immaterial as me and Josh being together was a deal breaker when an existence like this was waiting just around the corner.
Liam's hand unconsciously reaches out, his little fingers curling around my own to bring him some comfort from my presence. I need this too little man... Josh's head falls back against the wall with a sigh that truthfully reveals how utterly exhausted he is.
Waiting. The waiting is always the worst part.
"I should go back out there, she might have gone home by now. I want to find her before she does anything stupid." Dad says, slowly releasing Mum and slipping her off his shoulder.
"Do you want me to come with you?" I ask already knowing the answer. Let's face it, if anyone here has any hope of finding May then it's me.
Josh squeezes my hand just that little bit tighter, I know if Liam wasn't with us then he'd be out there looking for her with me, but right now his place is here.
Dad nods, the both of us getting ready to leave when Jayce steps out into the room. We all snap our attention to him, my stomach clenching at the thought of him bringing bad news. He doesn't look as distraught as he did earlier, but he still looks like a shell of himself.
"Are you okay sweetheart? Is she..." Mum can't seem to find the right words, it's been a regular occurrence today.
"She's fine Mum. They've said that it's only two visitors to a bed on this new ward so Lee asked me to come out and swap with you so you could go and see her." Mum scrambles to her feet instantly, the only thing she really wants in this world right now is to hold that little girl in her arms.
There's nothing quite like the love that a grandmother has for her grandchildren. It's unmatched.
I know that Mum is going to blame herself for this. She loves May and so does Dad but they brought her into that house. They haven't said it out loud yet but I already know that May won't be there the next time I sleep at that place. Brie is going to want her where she can keep an eye on her and Mum would always live in fear of history repeating itself with May there.
This is the end of us living as a family.
Mum hugs Jayce tightly before stepping back through the doors, him approaching each of the people here in turn to embrace them and kissing his son's sleeping head on Coach's shoulder before he brings himself to face me and Josh. Oh please tell me he's not going to start on us being like this together with all the other shit going on...
"Can I talk to you both please? Maybe outside so I can get some air?" I'm not sure it's the best idea to talk with emotions so high but Josh agrees instantly, Brie moving into the seat next to him and offering out her arms willingly for Liam's sleeping body.
It's funny, there was a time when that little boy was so afraid of her over the top persona, where he'd run from her loud voice and cower from her unrelenting aura, but now they've built such a connection that the moment he slips from Josh's arms into hers he instantly snuggles himself in next to her neck. They have more in common than most people realise.
She tries to hide it, Brie has always been a master of keeping her strong emotions under control when the rest of us can't, but I see the tiny tear slip from the corner of her eye as she leans down to kiss his forehead. I can't remember the last time I saw her without makeup on, it's probably the first kiss she's ever left on his skin that won't leave a stain, yet it will probably be the one that resides with the biggest mark on her heart.
She's always been good with kids, she once said to me that in life you should try to be the adult you needed as a child, if you are then you know you'll be there for someone who needs you. She's been there for all of us, watching like a protector from the background. She's pretty much the Aslan to our Narnia, giant mane of hair and everything.
I'm more grateful for her than she'll ever know.
Josh and I both follow Jayce outside slowly, joyously taking in the cool fresh air as it smashes against my bare face and feels beyond soothing in comparison with the suffocating atmosphere of depression inside the hospital.
I've always hated this place, nothing good ever happens here.
Jayce looks relieved to be able to breathe again, I'm not sure when the last time he felt like he could was. He's definitely been like this for hours, holding his breath and waiting for his whole world to come crashing down around him.
I'm don't think he'll ever truly let himself relax enough to take in a full lung of air again.
He stands in the middle of one of the hospital gardens, his hands firmly placed in his pockets and head dropped down to the floor as he tries to compose himself. He still appears on the edge of a breakdown. I honestly can't imagine what he's been through today, no matter what I think of him as a brother or all the crap he's put Josh through, he is the best father that I know, that isn't debatable.
His daughter is his everything, his children are his whole damn world. Losing any of them would've destroyed him completely, I have no doubts about that.
It's times like this that I'm glad he's back in therapy, he's going to need it now more than ever.
I step forward ready to comfort him but Josh beats me to it, standing at Jayce's side and rubbing his hand up and down my brothers back to try and bring some kind of peace to his warring mind.
"It's okay Jayce, however your feeling and whatever you want to say doesn't matter, not now. Just concentrate on –" Josh doesn't get the chance to finish as my brother spins completely and throws his body into my boyfriends arms.
Josh doesn't hesitate, wrapping him up and letting him release all the pain that has built within him since the moment the terrifying thought that he was going to lose his daughter entered his heart. My own eyes filling instantly with mirrored tears seeing the two of them like this, this is the way they are supposed to be. They've been a part of each others lives for too long to not be a pillar of strength.
"T-Thank you... you... W-Without you..." I know what he's trying to say through his blubbering broken English, and so does Josh. He stops him from trying to talk where words aren't necessary, grabbing hold of the back of Jayce's head and holding it down against his own.
"Don't thank me Jayce, please don't." Josh sobs, both of them dropping any facade of being men without emotions and letting it just be a time of raw truth. "You don't need to thank me, I love her too."
A gentle splattering of rain flitters down from the heavens, the tiny droplets hit my right cheek and mix with the tears of both the men in front of me.
Even the angels are crying for them now.
This is all I've wanted for these two, I never wanted it to happen this way but I wanted something that would bring them together again. They both mean so much to each other, even if one, or both of them, is too stubborn to admit it.
"I'm so fucking sorry." Jayce pulls back onto the bench behind him, taking Josh along for the ride until they both collapse into the seat. "I'm just so sorry Josh, I never should have done this."
Done what? He didn't do this, he's not responsible for anything that happened today.
Josh looks just as confused as I do, looking over at me for help that I can't offer. I walk over slowly, the two of them are so fucking big that there's no room for me to sit down so I crouch in front of Jayce instead, taking one of his large hands in both of mine and trying to get him to look at me.
"What have you done Jayce?" He lets himself fall back from Josh's enveloping limbs, glancing from the man I love to me and back again. Earlier today I didn't miss how he regarded us together, how he practically ran into the backyard at the sight of us hand in hand. It hurt but Josh said I needed to give him more time, so I didn't rip him apart the way I wanted to.
I don't see that same scrutiny in his eyes anymore.
"I stood in the way of something beautiful."
Oh Jayce...
He increases the grip he has on my hand, holding it tightly against my own as I refuse to relent my own grasp. "She was so angry at me, rightfully angry. If she hadn't..." He pauses, the words almost to painful to say out loud. "If she hadn't made it then she would have died angry at me."
Heather.
"Jayce, she wouldn't-" He waves me off to stop before I even begin, I think he just needs to say his piece here.
"She was right, she's always right that girl. Sometimes I think she's too much like her mother for her own good that way, other times I realise that maybe I just need to be a bit more like my wife." If this was any other set of circumstances I'd laugh, he ain't wrong. The women of Westbrooke rule us for good reason. "I should never have felt the way I did about you two in the first place. I don't know why it took me so much longer than everybody else to get there, but Brie was right, not that she isn't always... If it was anyone else I might have a leg to stand on but I don't because... It's you Josh."
I know what he's trying to say, I've always understood why he would have concerns about our relationship given the circumstances but he never needed to... I've never been in safer hands than I am with Josh.
He's perfect.
He's mine and I'm his, equally.
Jayce slowly pulls his hand from mine, taking hold of my fingertips and guiding it's over to lay on top of Josh's flat open palm.
"I should have known that you wouldn't have done this unless you truly felt this way about him Josh, unless there was so much there that you couldn't fight it... I should have seen this years ago with you too Milo. I'm sorry that I wasn't paying enough attention, I won't make that mistake again."
He doesn't need to say sorry, not after all this. Today has proven what actually fucking matters in this world. He just keeps looking between us, I can see all the words he wants to say spinning and forming behind his eyes so we both just sit patiently and wait for him to find them, he needs this.
"I love you, I love you both and I'm so fucking sorry for trying to stand between you. I don't want to be an obstacle to something so fucking special. I promise you, I will never be anything but supportive again. Time is too fucking short and life is too precious, if you two are happy then I'm fucking happy for you." He is, his gentle smile says it all. Jayce likes to think that he's so hard to decipher but he's always been an open book to me. "I appreciate you probably won't want to forgive me for being such a fucking cunt about everything, so I won't ask you too. I'll prove it though, I'm on your team, both of you."
I hate it had to happen this way, but if nothing else came out of this situation then at least I know I got my Jayce back, our Jayce.
Damn, I've missed him.
Josh and I both look at each other, I think we both feel like we need to say something here but no words seem like enough. Instead we do the only thing we can, wrapping Jayce up in both our love and showing him how much he means to us, even if we can't set it out as a sentence.
We love him. We just love him.
The rain starts to get heavier, the light showering quickly turning into a downpour before all three of us escape from the garden and rush back into the hospital, just in time to see Mum coming back out through the doors.
"Brie, she needs you." Josh attempts to take Liam back into his arms but when Steve notices how wet he is he takes the little boy from his fiancé's chest instead, Brie stroking Liam's hair and tucking him back in under my hoodie before going to be with her best friend.
We have the most dysfunctional family on this planet, connections made by both blood and soul but a family nonetheless... For now.
But we are missing a piece, a broken piece still out there somewhere.
There's a lot of people in this room that don't want to see my sister right now but I have to go fucking find her, she doesn't have anyone else.
Dad rises to his feet, kissing Mum goodbye and waiting for me to do the same thing with Josh, it's actually kind of sweet. Josh has always hesitated to kiss me when we are around certain people, he's strong and secure in our relationship but he never wants to throw it in the face of those who would feel uncomfortable. It's just who he is.
This time though there's no hesitation, this time he doesn't hide fuck all. Bringing his lips to mine to say goodbye exactly the same way any other couple in this room would, because that's who we are now, we are as much a couple as any of them and there is not a person here that objects to it any longer.
Thank fuck.
Now we can just be us... Forever.
As Dad and I walk back out towards the car, Jayce sits down next to Mum and I notice her stroking at something yellow and fluffy in her hands.
It's the cardigan that Heather was wearing today. When she came running into the house this morning I laughed and called her big bird, two words which end with me getting a hard slap to the thigh from that little powerhouse.
It fucking hurt.
I know that she'll get through this, I never should've doubted her. She is the strongest seven year old I've ever met, both physically and mentally funny enough. She'll bounce back and be beating her way out of situations with her fists in no time, I know she will.
Mum still looks terrified though, it must be those grandmother instincts forcing their way to the surface...
Grandmother.
Shit.
"I know where she is."