I will never understand why some people love fucking camping. There is no fucking upside; it’s cold, wet, uncomfortable. There’s no electricity or somewhere to go that isn’t crawling in fucking bugs.
Yeah. I’m not an outdoorsy gay.
“How are you doing this so quickly?” Eli has three tents up already, while the single one I’ve done looks like a decent gust of wind would blow it down.
He chuckles. “I used to go camping with my grandfather loads, he was old school though. No camping gear or taking that many supplies. We’d have to hunt and scavenge for food, cook everything on an open fire, even purify our own water. I’ll help you. He’s been gone for three years now but all that stuff kind of stuck, he’s the one that put me in my first race too.”
He smiles to himself, hammering in the last peg of my tent with a flashlight now in his mouth until it resembles something that might make it until morning.
“What kind of racing do you do?”
“Track mostly, anything with an engine I’ll ride it. Basketball is good for my body but driving is good for my soul. Took me a while to start racing on the wrong side of the road like you lot but now I’m number one in two countries.”
Eli kind of reminds me of myself sometimes, super laid back and taking life as it comes. I can’t imagine him under the pressure of a high speed race.
“So what do you drive?” I ask, tugging on the fabric to make sure it’s secure. These things are battered and I already know I’ll be freezing my dick off tonight. We’re not that far into the forest, I could probably sneak back to the dorms and get a few hours in the luxury that place now seems.
Eli sits down on a log next to me. “Nothing as nice as your car, I’ve got my mums old zetec now. My race car stays at the track since we totalled the Porsche.”
I almost choke on my water. “You totalled a Porsche?”
He nods, although from his face I’m guessing it wasn’t a nice experience. He glances over at Milo with sympathy, but he’s too busy setting up the fire with Coach to notice us. He’s been like that ever since we got here, hasn’t looked at me once.
“It was your car Miles crashed?”
Eli looks down at his hands, running his fingers up and down the silver scar that trails up his arm. Nodding at me before immediately running off to help Milo with the wood.
You’d think he’d be pissed that his best mate got behind the wheel of his car drunk and smashed it to smithereens, but it’s the opposite. He’s looking at Milo like the guy is his hero or something. Did he pull him from the wreck? I wasn’t back in Westbrooke when it happened, I offered to fly back when Aleah called but she said there wasn’t anything I could do to help so I didn’t.
I still don’t understand what happened, Milo was behind the wheel but the passenger was the one that got the most fucked up. Tara said they were both so drunk neither of them could really say what occurred, they were just really lucky they weren’t killed. I hadn’t realised it was Eli’s car they were driving.
The sun is non-existent now, it’s been a long fucking day. Milo was already sleeping when I got to the room last night and was out to meet the scouts before I got out of the shower this morning. I haven’t spoken to him but what the fuck would I say anyway? Sorry you make me want to kiss you, I’m trying to stop? The fire blazes and finally there’s some light, everywhere it doesn’t hit is still cloaked in so much black though. My mind instantly wonders back to last night but I won’t let it stay there long, I don’t know what was going to happen back there in the dark but it shouldn’t have.
Everyone gathers around the fire, Coach telling stories about all his past teams. He misses our one completely, not that I can blame him. He’s not like Elizabeth, she still talks about Chad like he’ll be back from the shop any minute. Coach doesn’t ever speak his name. There’s not a right or a wrong way to deal with grief, I learnt that quickly after Harley. Some days I’d be so angry I would smash my room into shreds, the next I’d be so sad it was like the thought of even opening my eyes made me cry more.
Now I’m more at peace with things, I’ve accepted he’s gone, that took a while but I got there. Instead I keep all that pain for one day. Three hundred and sixty four days a year I smile, I talk about him with nothing but love. One day though, for one single day every year I let it all in. Aleah and Brie flew out when I was away just to be with me on the anniversary, even when Al was pregnant with Chase they drove for almost eighteen hours to be by my side.
This year I’m dreading it more than the others, how can it be ten years ago already?
Coach wraps up his story, but I can feel the pressure of the memories weighing down on me so decide to make a quick exit before anyone notices. He hands out the items for smores and I use the distraction to get further away for a bit.
Walking through the trees, my phone light guides my way until I begin to hear water. Water is good, water makes me feel closer to him. Following the sound, I find a small stream flowing at the end of the clearing and leading out of sight. Sitting down on the banking, I’m grateful that if I do break down here, at least no-one will hear me.
Harley’s mum decided to scatter his ashes in the ocean, she said she wanted him to see the world. Before he died we had so many plans; he wanted to dance on every stage from Broadway to The West end, so I was going to follow him after college. We would rent a loft in SoHo or live out of a suitcase in Rome, we would go where his music took us until our bodies collapsed and we ended up living wherever we landed.
Now he runs free in every drop of water in the land. Even when I left Westbrooke I knew he wouldn’t be far, just step down to the water and you’d find him, dancing along the waves.
Settling into the ground, I lay back against the firm soil and stare up at the open sky. It’s been cold but not wet, the earth gracefully bearing my weight so I don’t have to. The flow of the water is so peaceful, a stark contrast to the commotion that’s been going on in my head for the last few days.
What would he think of me right now? Would he be angry? Or would he laugh that it took me this long to find anything that came close to how I felt with him?
Everything is a lot more clear out here, the air is fresh and I can see every star in the sky shining back at my face. It’s like they’re happy to see me.
“I can tell you about them if you want?”
How does a guy as big as him sneak up on people like that?
I don’t move, waiting to see what he does next. That’s the first time Miles has spoken to me in twenty-four hours and I don’t know why he’s suddenly happy to be in my company.
Slowly and gently he walks towards me, gaging my reaction to his presence before settling in the space next to my body and glancing up at the starlit sky with his arm laying next to mine.
I guess I’ll start then. “What constellations do you know?”
He chuckles lightly. “All of them. This was kind of my thing for a long time.” Pointing up at the sky, he shuffles in closer before attempting to show me something I just can’t see for a solid five minutes. That’s all it took to forget anything had happened, five tiny minutes. Why the fuck can’t I stay away from him now?
“Seriously, the big bright one right above my finger with the three in a line right next to it. How can you not see that?”
I laugh, attempting for the third time to see what the hell he’s talking about but I still can’t.
“Nope, they kind of all look the same to me. Show me again, just slowly and don’t wobble so much.”
Rolling his eyes, he reins in his frustration. For a second I see that famous Thompson temper threaten to show itself but he pulls it back.
“Fine, come here, it’ll be easier for you to follow it.”
Slipping his hand under my neck, I freeze. Not that he seems to notice or care, continuing to move until my head sits next to his on his shoulder. Is this too much?
“Miles..”
“Just watch. Follow my finger.” I look up to where he’s pointing directly before us, trying like fuck to ignore the fact I’m laying with this guy again.
There’s so much of him touching me, his skin feels like it’s absorbing mine but I can’t stop the tingles it leaves behind.
“Start with this one, then follow the next three.” I follow the trail and finally I see it.
“Oh fuck, I see it now. What is that?” My eyes lighting up the moment I realise I’ve just discovered structure in what appears to be a sea of chaos.
“That’s the start of Ursa Major, following it down...” Milos moves his finger before my eyes, mapping out the patterns where before there was nothing. “..You can see the cup. Some people call that bit The Big Dipper but technically that isn’t a constellation.”
Chuckling, I settle into his hold far quicker than I wish I did. I’ve always kind of wondered about this stuff though.
“So, come on, what else you got?”
He smirks down at me before continuing to take me on a tour of the night sky. The way he talks about it, he truly understands everything. There’s a smile on his face like nothing else I’ve seen from him, not even when he wins a game, as he continues to teach me everything from the arrangement of constellations to the legends each name comes from.
He fucking loves this stuff.
I can’t move, I literally can’t do anything but stare between him and the sky as he talks with so much passion.
“Sorry, I haven’t spoken about this stuff in so long. You should’ve told me to shut up like half an hour ago.”
Is that what he thinks? That no-one wants to hear this from him?
“Miles, it’s fucking incredible that you know all this. You shouldn’t hide it. I’d listen to it all night if you’d let me.”
He turns to face me, that gorgeous smile reflecting more light than the water that flows at our feet. His eyes sparkle delicately despite how strong they are as he keeps his gaze firmly on me.
“I’ve got nowhere to be..”
Being here with him, it’s-
A rustle in the trees behind where we sit forces us both apart quickly, jumping from our hold on each other until we’re further separated than any two people ever need to be.
This is why you can’t do this Josh. The hurt you feel right now, it’s all it will ever be. Besides, you’re too fucked up, you have fuck all to offer him.
We wait for the person to come towards us but instead a small bunny bounces from the treeline down to the slowest part of the river to take a drink, before leaping back to where it came.
Shit. How the fuck did we end up like that again? We can’t keep doing this!
I hop up to my feet and turn back towards the path I followed to bring me here.
“We should get back, Coach will want to know where you are.”
The second I take a step away from him, his hand captures my wrist and pulls to bring me towards him but I refuse to move.
“Miles.”
“I’m sorry.” I don’t turn to face him, not entirely trusting my own actions if I did. It’s been too fucking long since anyone has had this kind of effect on me and I don’t know what to do every time it all hits me again.
“It’s fine. Let’s just head back and forget it.”
The cold breeze attacks my skin harsher than the frost that threatens to build up around my heart, my hoodie doing little to protect me from the onslaught but soon any signs of chill vanish. I don’t need to turn to know he’s right behind me, my whole body is reacting to his presence.
We stand motionless, shielded by the darkness of the forest, my wrist still in his hand and he stands with his chest so close to my back that his breath tickles the surface of my neck with each word he whispers.
“I don’t want to forget it... I’m not sorry about what nearly happened yesterday or laying there with you tonight. I’m sorry I freaked and ran when Eli turned up, I just didn’t know what else to do... I haven’t ever... This is new for me.”
And it isn’t for me? I haven’t been drawn to someone like this since before I was his age, I had convinced myself I wouldn’t again.
I’ve been trying so desperately to convince myself that this is just physical, just a crush. But laying by there with him it wasn’t anything close to that, it was a fucking connection.
Milo’s hand slips under the edge of my hoodie, grazing the skin before taking hold of my hip below the fabric of my shirt and keeping me in place as he stands with his firm chest now flush against my back.
Spider-webs of pleasure spin out through my veins from his touch on my flesh; it’s forceful, he wants me to stay exactly where I am and I really don’t want to stop him anymore.
His fingers curl around to dig into the curve of my hipbone, showing his strength in this moment.
“I didn’t know it would be you...”
His lips float along the surface of my neck, his erratic heartbeat pummelling against my back until I don’t know what’s his and what’s mine. His demeanour is strong, but his body tells me he’s just as fucking terrified as I am.
“... I’ve been waiting for someone to make me feel.. alive. I didn’t know it would be you Josh.”
The most terrifying part: I’ve been waiting for the exact same thing.
“Miles.. We-”
Then he does the one thing that makes all other thoughts leave me completely...
The hand on my hip forcing me into submission, as his soft firm lips place a smooth delicate kiss right to the nape of my neck. This time he meant it.
Oh god...
My eyes fall closed, the purest subtle moan leaving my throat in the tiniest whimper. Oxygen refuses to return to my lungs until his lips leave me, they’re in no hurry and the ricochet of trembling from his touch rumbles from my head to my toes. I couldn’t move if I wanted to. His fucking soul is attaching to mine.
“Goodnight Josh.”
And with that, he disappears into the darkness once again.
My frozen legs keep me in place, only one thought flooding my mind and keeping me here...
Milo Thompson just kissed me...
...and I liked it.
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