The Emperor's Concubine

Chapter Twenty-Six

I watch as Magnolia rests in bed, sleeping soundly after taking painkillers. Maids gently tend to her injuries, applying ointment and bandages.

The emperor's affection towards me had caused a disastrous situation. The weight of it all impossible to digest, I can only raise questions of it all.
How did they know about what happened to me? What should I have done in that moment of fear? Why couldn't I protect Magnolia from experiencing what I've gone through? Why am I so weak?
Anger, confusion, and guilt weighs me down further as I finally question if this was divine punishment, for neglecting my 'duties'. No matter how far away from home I am, the wretched throne keeps following me. Seeming as though my only destiny was to rule the throne.

Magnolia sleeps in front of me, yet even as I sit here and blame myself for it all, I can't help but remember the emperor's voice.
His voice—gentle yet sensually deep—still causes a slight tickle behind my ear as his words repeat in my mind.
My throat tightens as everything that races through my mind becomes too much, every thought pulling me in every direction.
Magnolia being in such a state because of me, the emperor's voice stuck in my head, and the memories of my parents playing in my thoughts, the guilt and pain of it all is unbearable.

My eyes tear up as I watch Lance gingerly tend to the scrape on my hand.
The scenes of abuse from my parents, mixed with Renesha holding a rod about to strike me. The hazy memory of a lady being hit in front of me, mixes with today's events. Magnolia's screams and cries resembling how I had sounded, and my parents voice as clear as day shouting at me. The memories grow louder and louder, making it impossible to focus on any sounds around me.
I can only shut my eyes, hoping for the loud deafening memories to silence.

"My lady?" Lance gently calls out.
The sound of his light whispered voice, seeming to rescue me from the spiral.
The memories quiet down as I look back at him, a breath escaping my lungs as I realize I was holding my breath for what seems to be ages.

"My lady, are you okay?" He asks, staring at my trembling hands.
"Y-Yes... I just feel a tad cold." I lie, giving a small smile as I try to regulate my breaths.
He simply nods until giving a small smile.
"Lady Luna, would you like to talk?"
I tilt my head, watching Lance unwrap another bandage.
"About what?" I ask.
"Anything on your mind. How you're feeling, if there's anything troubling you."
"I..." I bite my lip, the shame holding back my words.
"Only if you're comfortable with it, of course... But, I'm happy to listen if you wish to tell me what's on your mind." Lance gives a kind, welcoming smile.

Unable to stop, tears drip from my eyes.
Questions ruminate through my mind as I look back at Lance, an air of safety emanates from him—the comforting air similar to Sylvan's.
Feeling reminiscent over Sylvan, I open my mouth, allowing my feelings to come into light.

"I feel guilty... Maggie's hurt because of me."
"Why does that cause so much guilt?" he asks.
"Because... It's my fault she's injured." I stammer, my voice as quiet as a mouse, "Because I came here, because she was my maid, she was hurt... It's my fault she's hurt... But I can only think about how painful and scary it was to face my parents' anger. I'm selfish to think about my experiences, when she's the one who got hurt."
Lance nods, handing me a tissue.
"Lady Luna... You were not at fault. You didn't speak the command to hurt her, and you weren't the one to strike her."
"But I'm unable to focus my thoughts on her... It makes me feel as though I'm the same as the ladies who hurt her, neglecting to think about the pain she's in. I'm no better than them, and in the end, it's my fault she's in such a state." I sob, wiping the wetness from my eyes.
"My lady, it's okay." Lance gently shushes me, trying to calm me down, "My lady, why are you reminded of your parents?"
"B-Because it was similar... The screaming and crying, the sound of each hit, they all play in my mind and I wish I could get rid of it. I wish my mind would silence, I wish I could focus on what to do for Maggie right now. I wish I can devote my mind to her, but I'm a horrible person for not being able to do something as simple as that."
"Lady Luna... You are not selfish." Lance speaks up.
"But how can I not be?"
"Because you're not ignoring her pain... I feel sorry, I truly do for what you've gone through. I can't even begin to imagine what you experienced your whole life."
I look back at Lance, trying to stop my tears.
"But I know that it's difficult to release the grip the past can have on you. It's hard to move on from everything you've experienced, so I know it's not easy to forget about. It's a difficult life you had, so please forgive yourself or at least be kinder to yourself. It's okay that it reminded you. It's okay that you see yourself in Magnolia, It's okay that you're questioning yourself, and it's okay that you're stuck with the memories you had."
"But how can I face her after this?"
"You'll face her as you always have—as the lady she serves. The lady who put herself in danger to protect a maid. The lady who experienced terrible acts, yet set it aside to be brave for a young girl who wanted to protect you too."
A hiccup stays in my throat, trying to hold back my sobs as I look back at Lance's kind expression.
"You'll face her as you've always done." He gives a small reassuring smile.
His whisper so quiet I almost begin to question if he spoke, but the weight of his words—resounding enough to silence all the thoughts that ran through my mind.
I look back at Magnolia who sleeps soundly, until my eyes focus on Lance again.
"You're right... Thank you." I whisper, my head finally clear.