Tisis

Retrospect (S)

Day... I don't even know any more.

Hello journal...long time no see, huh?
Nym told me to do something to get my mind off the fact that I still cannot move right.
Stupid leg, honestly.

The rest of my injuries healed somewhat well, but this stupid thing is still giving me trouble.
I asked Nym, whether I'll ever be able to walk again without this sharp pain tormenting me with every single step...as an answer, I got that worried to pitiful look.
Sure, she told me I'd be fine, but somehow I cannot believe her.

She needs to work extra hard since I can't go hunting.
The snow has stopped melting away recently, meaning that it's now piling up, blanketing the entire ground with its cold embrace of death.

As a result, we've moved our sleeping place to the bath cavern.

Unfortunately the irrigation system we built to supply the bath with water froze over the other day, so bathing is currently not possible.

Nym assures me, that this is just temporary and that things will get better by the time 'spring' comes around, which is supposed to be the next season.
She also said, that it's probably for the best that the bath cavern stays dry for the time being. Something about high air moisture inviting sickness.
Not sure if I actually got that.

The good news is, that our spring has not frozen over.
Not yet at least...man, we'd be really screwed if our water ran out too.
I know, I shouldn't even be thinking about this, much less write it down...but Nym doesn't seem too concerned about it.

Something about 'flowing water not freezing easily'. And then something about potential energy and what not...she really likes to go off on tangents like that.
Probably to keep herself from worrying about it too much.
Honestly, more often than not it seems like she's telling all those things to reassure herself instead of me.

Day...something like a week later

Nym saw me writing the journal the other day and asked me to teach her my language.
That's a first to be honest, her asking me to teach her something.
I wonder what got into her...but either way, I'm a little reluctant.
There are...a number of not very nice things I wrote into my journals.
I have no doubt that she can learn the language, but what will she do once she reads those journals I've been writing?

I...don't want to lose her.
Especially not because of something stupid like hurt pride.

I put the piece of coal I've been using to write my latest entries after the pen Nym had given me had stopped working aside and look out of the entrance to the cave.

The snow had stopped and the clouds had dispersed.
The big round moon over Tisis made the snow twinkle and sparkle.

It was a surreal and beautiful sight, as the light dancing over the snow mirrored the billions of stars overhead.

Ah yes, the stars...kinda hard to believe that I...that we come from up there.
We've been on Tisis for so long now, the memory of our days on the ship have begun feeling like a dream.

As if it never really happened.

I look up to the stars and recall a few of our happier days.

Why was I even so angry back then?
Sure, it wasn't nice how they treated us, but they still kept us fed, cleaned up and healthy.
We didn't have to hunt for food or freeze in the cold.
There were no...dragons or whatever else trying to kill us.

Hah...if the others could hear me now, they'd probably be really disappointed in me...I guess it's a good thing all of them died so quickly.
At least that way they never had to put up with any of this.

A memory surfaces.

It was a day in the gardens, just like so many others.
I am slaving away, tilling the ground with an ancient hoe my great grandfather apparently already used to do the exact same thing.

All of a sudden, I hear laughter and turn around to see what's so funny.
During the work hours, laughter was rare.
In fact, some of my brethren actually got punished for laughing.

I see a bunch of children playing tag.
Children? Children were forbidden to go into the gardens after...the incident.

Wait a second...one of the children is wearing a...white jumpsuit?
And has jet black, long hair that looks clean and tidy?
That cannot be one of ours, can it?

"Hey, you! Stop lollygagging and get back to work!" I hear the overseer shout.
I blink twice and just as suddenly as the children had appeared, they were gone again.

How strange...did that really happen?

I try to remember when that was.
Was I just mixing up things?

"No, that did happen," a voice that feels strangely familiar tells me.
It takes me a moment to realize that it was my own voice.
I turn to literally see myself standing next to me.

"What..."
"Don't act as if you've never dreamed before, Sirus. We both know that's not true."
"But...but I'm not sleeping. I mean, I was just...watching the stars and..."
"Well, either you're dreaming, something really freaky is going on right now or you're finally going completely nuts. What will it be?"

I blink twice and look in the smiling and a lot younger face of myself, trying to tell which of the options it might be.
I decide to opt for the 'dreaming' part, if only for the sake of believing in my remainders of sanity.

"So...me, I guess...you said 'that really happened'?"
"Yup. I should know, I was there after all. Don't you remember? We got chewed out for dreaming on the job later. But...it wasn't a dream. It was a repressed memory that surfaced that day...that's when it started."
"When...when what started?"
"Up until that day, you had been a nice little worker drone...but after seeing that memory...of children, both human and Asmodean, playing together peacefully, you started craving that. You started craving freedom. Respect. Proper treatment. And as the days, weeks and years passed, your craving turned into anger...and hatred."
"...how do you figure?"
"I think Nym would call me something like, 'The manifestation of your reflection upon your past.'...or something like that. Plainly put, I am just telling you what you already know...just wrapped into a form you can accept it as. That day...it opened an old wound in your heart. You were secretly craving for those happier days. Where you were treated with respect. Where children were still able to laugh. But...the day of the fire changed all that."

"...the fire Nym started," I say quietly.
"...do you hate her then? For ruining your life? For taking away the happy live you were supposed to live?"
"...I...I don't know. But...I...dude, I need that girl! I'd be totally screwed if..."
"Don't lie to me, Sirus. Don't lie to yourself. It won't end well. Let me tell you something else you already know...you hated her. With a passion. Subconsciously you knew that it was an Asmodea who started the fire. Your mind may have forgotten, your heart did not. Over the years, 'the Asmodea that ruined it all' became 'the Asmodei' in general. But then something else happened. The uprising. The people, being repressed for far too long, revolted and demanded their freedom. And they did so violently. And even so, back then, you still spared a woman and her child. Despite of her color of skin. Despite of who she was. Because even back then you knew, that what you were doing was wrong. That you had now become the very monster you always believed the Asmodei to be. That's why you stopped. That's when you decided to forgive, Sirus. To let it go. And I am damn proud of you for that. And I bet mom would be proud of you too if she were here right now."

I sigh and look towards the stars beyond the cavern entrance again.

Do I hate her, now that I know the truth?

No...no, I don't. No more hatred for me.
Hatred has done far too much damage already...I cannot allow it to do any more.

The next time I see Nym, I'll ask her to forgive me for being such a huge idiot.